Allowing contact

[Autumngirl25]

I'm a longtime reader, 1st time poster in need of impartial advice please. I have 3 girls with my ex, the 2 older girls have stopped contact 2 years ago but I'm stuck with my 11yr dd.
He hasn't seen her in 3 years, messages maybe once a month although his late msg was 3 months ago. He says he's coming over next month to see her and although she wants to see him, I'm worried that he'll abandon her again for another few years.
Lot of backstory but in a nut shell, he's not a good dad. Never been there for any of them in anyway, he manipulates and is emotionally abusive.
I want to put dd above my thoughts and feelings in this, do I allow contact or not?
There is no point in talking to him as he is the victim in everything.

I'd say at 11 it is her choice

He probably won't show anyway
.

I think you can just tell her, you absolutely can see him, but prepare yourself you could see him a few times one week and then not again for a few years.

Ask her if she wants to see him and then go from there. She may not want to see him and at 11 I would let her be the one to decide.

You can only warn her. Keep it short and frank that he is unreliable but it's her that has to decide. Otherwise you will be the bad guy OP.

It’s not really up to you because of her age.

I totally understand where you’re coming from with regards to your fears about him disappearing again.
Unfortunately she feels the pull of the dream of a good dad and the most realistic thing you can do is warn her. Is she an age where a few words from her older siblings would be more effective?

Shes a very young 11 so doesn't understand what's going on and was too young to know whats happened in the past with him. Ill of course leave it to her to decide but I'm so tired of him dipping his toes in when he feels like it and I'm left to bare the brunt of it. Just very frustrating to see. Thanks for all your replies ladies, sometimes it's best to ask an outsider in these situations