Sleeping on the sofa at 12 weeks pregnant 😞

[TiredButTryin5x]

just needed to vent a bit sorry xx

i’m 12 weeks pregnant now n still sleeping on the sofa every night. got 4 boys in a tiny flat n no room left at all. oldest has box room, two middle ones share, little one still in with me (or meant to be). but he kicks all night n i just end up on sofa again. my back’s gone n i’m not even that far along yet 😩

i asked the council for help but they said i’m “adequately housed” cos we got a roof over our heads. but it don’t feel like that. i’m exhausted all the time. boyfriend don’t stay over n hasn’t offered to help with housing stuff. just feel like no one sees how hard this is.

i’m doing my best but it’s not enough. just want somewhere we all got a bed 😢

She said they have different dads further back, the way I read it was at least 3 of them have diff fathers

Genuinely interested how you ended up in this position? It sounds really hard and far from ideal.
I know from experience that life doesn’t always work out as planned.Did you have a stable home/partner and something changed beyond your control? Or are these choices you’ve made for your life?
im a single parent and would have loved to have more children - I have one and work part time. I just couldn’t afford it so had to stick with one.
The triple/double bunk beds sound like a good option as think you need a decent bed and space for you and the baby.
Im really interested to better understand your choices and how you ended up in this position if you feel like sharing?

He can, although benefits are significantly more if you claim as a single parent.

It’s more the stepping up to actually parent though. He can’t exactly pull his weight living apart can he.

All of these fathers need to step up and support their children. Yes the OP may not have made the best choices but it’s far too easy for men to opt out of supporting their children and leave it to the state to pick up the pieces.

These days you can normally only get a housing association property via the Council.

One is not here. Op does not need another.

@TiredButTryin5x Firstly, you need to accept responsibility for your current situation. The dads not being in the picture is appalling of them, but you need to step up for your existing children. If you are already struggling, and you don't want to abort, then consider other options such as adoption. Honestly, it sounds like this will tip you over the edge. Stop having sex with bum men, use condoms, get an implant, ffs do something to stop this! You are not a child, take responsibility for your life. If you've 'missed a few' pills don't have sex. It can't be that much of a surprise that you're pregnant if this is your approach.

Hear hear, totally agree. Judgemental, unpleasant, so many posts on here the same. Posters need to remember, "there goes I but for the grace of god"

Meanwhile in the real world OP, we work hard and have the number of kids we can afford to look after (1). Some of us have to make hard/uncomfortable decisions on these type of life choices. It isn't easy but when you're working to support yourself it's different, it's the harsh reality. Meanwhile, you think that the 'state' owes you. Sounds like you've got to used to being looked after in terms of benefits and don't know when to stop.
Why on earth to you think you're entitled to bigger free housing when you already have a 3 bed home?
You have to make it work somehow, what choice have you got.

Wow I have one boy and can barely cope. It must be very very hard, I'm sorry. Women unfortunately just get left holding the baby, it's so unfair, but these babies deserve all the love you have for them. I think to be more helpful, can you give us the ages of the boys?

'There goes I but for the grace of god' doesn't really apply here. OP has a choice to have sex without precautions and get pregnant and then proceed with the pregnancy despite feeling like she's compromised house wise. It'll be 5 kids.
Who can read this and really think 'there goes I.....' ?

Hey Mama, get ur man told pronto. Because what do you mean ur sleeping on the couch i preferable would be saying something because that ain’t on.

Love Erin X

Don't worry too much about the posts here, OP. A lot of it will be jealousy or envy, even though you are in a tough position, there are aspects of your life others might have wanted for themselves, like 4 or 5 healthy children, great fertility, even social housing though it's cramped. Not easy at all for you are your children.

Many many people find themselves pregnant at a time when they cannot afford them. Most, if not all, posters on here probably have a grandmother who had more children than she could afford, yet, thank you goodness as here we are.

So many famous people grew up very poor in very difficult circumstances, Leonardo Dr Caprio, Tom Cruise, Mariah Carey.

It's just life. Do start making plans for yourself though, which includes being far less passive and more active. Think from now about whether you want more children. If not, start family planning (IUD, implant etc), think about the kind of work you want to do, the kind of money you will need. Maybe start a course with a job at the end that works with school / childcare.

Envision it and start moving towards it.

Unsure if her boyfriend is also on benefits and in a council house. She didn’t say unless I missed it

Ok OP, I’m not going to comment on the situation you’re in. You know it’s not great so let’s just move on.

However, you are not a passenger in your own life. It’s up to you to make things happen and take responsibility.

If you miss pills, you don’t have sex, or you use a condom. Preferably get the coil or implant - you really can’t risk a 6th child arriving in your circumstances.

The bed situation - you don’t need to be sleeping on the sofa. There are three bedrooms - it’s a bit cramped but enough for you all if you do some rearranging. Don’t just throw your hands up because you need a bigger house - make changes so you’re making the best of what you have now. As PP said, shift bedrooms and get a triple bunk.

Housing - can you go on the exchange list? Are there any local housing associations you can try? Talk to Gingerbread - they can signpost you to organisations that might help.

Money - you need to put a claim in for maintenance. The father needs to contribute financially.

Jobs - what are your skills? Could you find a different job that pays more or increase your hours in your current job? It may not be feasible for a while with the baby, but think about the future and what you see yourself doing.

Come on now. You have four, shortly to be five, children that need you to step up. I know it’s hard but this is your responsibility and there’s things you can do to help yourself.

You’ll feel more positive once you start to take action.

Wow. People are actually downright cruel. Sorry for all the hate youre receiving, it seems that empathy and compassion has gone amiss in today’s cold-hearted society.

I don’t understand why people think that having a fifth child you can’t afford with a partner who is unsupportive is anything but irresponsible and unfair to the four children you already have. If you had made any other kind of decision that impacted on your current children’s lives in the same way (financially, emotionally, in terms of the amount of care and attention you are able to offer them) people would be critical. The only people I have any sympathy for in this situation are the children who have no control over the selfish decisions you are making. Many women would like to have more children and choose not to because they can’t afford it.

Wow, what a bunch of nasty witches. This thread brings shame on Mumsnet, frankly.

I think people who are working full time are struggling to make ends meet now with COL crisis and they are having to make difficult decisions and sacrifices because of that. Eg limiting number of kids to 1 or 2.

For them seeing someone be able to have a 3 bed home, with time to meet and date new partners and have 5 children its going to be increasingly frustrating. People whose jobs previously gave them a good enough standard of living are now struggling due to inflation and wage freezes.

OP please get proper advice on contraception ie long acting contraception that doesn't involve relying on a pill to remember if you don't want more kids. And if you stay on pill or even if on long acting then would advise condoms too - they are free from family planning. That's going to protect you from more stress and allow you to focus on the 5 you have. Although you may want to see if anywhere local has free counselling to help you explore the pattern of meeting men who aren't supportive/don't pay - thinking of your wellbeing and self esteem around this pattern.

The advice you've been given about swapping rooms or sofa bed is good. You can get beds cheaply from places like brittish heart foundation and they deliver.

Take care

Why will it bring shame?
So so many more Mums are on here having a tough time. This one is bringing a 5th child into the world and she can't cope with sleeping on the sofa and needs a bigger council house. Where do you think the sympathy is going to come from? From all the other Mums who are struggling, probably in a 1 or 2 bed flat.
Time to get real.

Oh my. I missed the part about the OP living in a three bedroom house! I thought she was living in a studio or a 1 bed crammed in with four kids and expecting another with no help from the council! Makes more sense now. Sorry but it just reeks entitlement at this stage.

Exactly…I am disabled, have seizures most days, signed off from working and on PIP, volunteer still from home have purpose. My name is far down the housing list because I have no children and I make sure I have none by having an IUD because apart from not wanting kids, I cannot afford them.

if I am being honest it feels like people offered council housing (other than DV victims) are people like this women who keep having children.

You might not want to end the pregnancy, but think if your existing kids. Is another mouth to feed really in their best interests? Of course it isn't.

Op, you need to start making some proper decisions, life isn't something that just happens to you, stop being a passenger in your own life.

Have you gone to cms to claim from the fathers of your children?
Can you look at a sofa bed maybe or bunk beds?
Is there any real life support?

Start taking charge of your life