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After three years of horror now this...

51 replies

glitterfairy · 22/05/2008 21:22

My X who has systematically been violent towards me and my kids; who watched as we faced being thrown out of our house because he refused to help with any money; who broke in and dragged us all through two years of court nightmare has now decided we should be friends.

I am quite capable of standing up to him these days but his constant new cry is that a) I should do it for my kids (who I have managed to provide for with nothing much from him and look after despite his violence) and b) I am better than being so unforgiving.

It is starting to get to me now as I do believe that my youngest would prefer us to talk. We currently communicate by email only because as soon as he can phone he does it every day. This was what the judge said was ok as well.

My two eldest dont see him. He assaulted my eldest daughter and she wants nothing more to do with him. My son had an awful time at Christmas and has refused to see x for 6 months. He is now in counseling and has agreed to phone contact at the moment but X is pestering us both for more.

Ds has been ill the last three weeks and so I have had to speak to X more often.

Am I right to stand firm?

OP posts:
naturalblonde · 22/05/2008 21:25

Yes, stand firm. I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing for your children. He assaulted your dd, your ds dosn't want to see him. I'd leave it as it is.

I don't see it as being unforgiving (which you have every right to be) but as looking out for the best interests of your children.

micci25 · 22/05/2008 21:26

i think you are right standing firm but if the kids really really want to see him you should let them have supervised visits as he swas violent in the past, there is no way i would let a violent man be alone with my kids even if he does say that he has changed but you are right stopping them if they dont want to

madamez · 22/05/2008 21:33

Stand firm. If your youngest wants to see him, insist on supervised access at a contact centre because of the violence. And if he is being abusive or bullying or tiresome when he phones, or sending threatening emails, you can go back to court and get those stopped as well.
A bully is always a bully. Reeally, he has forfeited any right to see the DC, and the only reason you should even consider if is if they want to see him.

anorak · 22/05/2008 21:34

Oh glitterfairy, you poor thing, I know only too well what this kind of thing is like. My guess is that your x has some kind of ADD - you know that characteristic of just not 'getting' your feelings at all - they treat you abominably and then they're really genuinely surprised when you don't want anything to do with them!

Piffle · 22/05/2008 21:34

supervised surely and only if your son wants it. Has your exh done any rehab/ self actualisation or anger management. Domestic violence etc?

Good to see you on here GF hope things are 110% better now.

snotbuster · 22/05/2008 21:46

Anorak - that's an interesting comment, my XP is exactly like that.
Glitterfairy - yes, stand firm.Sounds incredible stressful, hope you're getting some support?

VVVQVsSockPuppet · 22/05/2008 21:47

Stand firm.

Tell him you are doing this for your kids.

Tell him that you are sure he is better than emotional blackmail.

OneLieIn · 22/05/2008 21:50

Glitterfairy, stand firm - you are doing this for you and your kids.

OneLieIn · 22/05/2008 21:50

Glitterfairy, stand firm - you are doing this for you and your kids.

Freckle · 22/05/2008 21:51

More manipulation. Ignore.

anorak · 22/05/2008 22:10

Yes snotbuster I think such people only see things in terms of how it affects them. So they won't lay off you because they are hurting you, but they might lay off you if you retaliate because that affects them.

glitterfairy I used to pretend a lot with my ex. Pretend I cared about his problems and that I was amicable to him when really he made my flesh crawl. He was so vain that he lapped it up and most likely thought I still had an incurable soft spot for him. It helped keep things calm, so made life easier.

glitterfairy · 23/05/2008 09:43

Thanks everyone.

We have a contact order which is flexible it means that my youngest sees him every other weekend for one day if she wants and anything extra has to be agreed.I have already vetoed him taking her abroad firstly because if anything happened I could not get to her and secondly because him and his new gf are very friendly with a convicted paedophile over there and there is no way she is going anywhere near that!

I think my ds will see him eventually but has been told by his counsellor to take things very very slowly. this has been strengthened whilst he has been ill by X constant phone calls, texts etc driving ds mad.

Anorak I so understand but feel that not engaging is the best way to go. The blackmailing is right and it is all about how we ought to be friends! He also uses the kids in this by telling me that if I care for them I will be friends with him.

You are also right Anorak that he uses everything I say, lies about everything and consistently evades anything which is about him referring to think it is about me or the kids lying.

He recently wrote to my eldest saying that not seeing her had made him ill which meant he was unable to earn money and therefore we were now poor and mummy had to work harder than ever. Talk about blackmail she was distraught but when I went mad at him about it he said he never meant for it to hurt her but that she had to know behaviour had consequences! yes for everyone but him.

You are all right and I will stand firm against ever seeing or speaking to him and mediate things via email. As many of you know I have spent years fighting to get to here and I am not going to let any of that slip through blackmail over my feelings for my kids.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 23/05/2008 09:45

If your ex is as irresponsible a parent as your OP suggests, yes, stand firm. You do have a responsibility as a responsible parent to protect your children from their other irresponsible parent (obviously there is an issue of judgement here).

DeeRiguer · 23/05/2008 09:48

i think you are doing the right thing stick to your guns
for a bully to be ignored really hurts them too

your kids that know him have made it clear they dont want to and you dont either i would stick with it and give them your energy not this dad tosser


glitterfairy · 24/05/2008 14:41

Thanks everyone.

DD is seeing him tomorrow and already he has told her and ds that ds illness has bought me and him together again, which he has no right to do and is certainly not true.

He just doesnt know how to behave on any level. He has no self awareness and little concept of what is right for an adult to do.

OP posts:
CrackerOfNuts · 24/05/2008 14:43

Definatly stick to your guns.

glitterfairy · 24/05/2008 15:51

yes I think so too but see other couples who are divorced remaining okish and am upset that we cant just get along now and of course he likes to remind me of this via my youngest dd.

I have to accept his problems and know we cant ever be ok with one another, just as I tell the kids that if they want a relationship with him they have to accept who he is whenever he lets them down which is frequently.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 24/05/2008 15:55

This is really sad. You will always have to have some contact because of your children but he sounds very much like a person who wants to continue to have an influence in your life. There are just some people who won't let go, or more to the point who will try everything to stop you from letting go.

Considering all that he put you through when you were together I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see him again.

anorak · 24/05/2008 17:33

glitterfairy I am so glad you got rid of this creep. I got such awful vibes off him immediately when I met him and didn't understand why you were with him then

Yes this is all horribly stressful now but at least you don't have to live under the same roof as him any more - you have your own peaceful space now.

glitterfairy · 24/05/2008 20:23

Absolutely Anorak.

And tonight we were in the cinema and a man and his family came in. one of the kids misbehaved and despite his kids and his wife saying no he marched them all out just as the film started.

Me and the kids looked at each other and thought thank god. Then on the way home the kids said at least we dont have that anymore. As my eldest said macho rubbish!

Its kind of not stressful I just dont want to regret anything I do and think should i have done this or that. But I guess we always have some regrets and we all make mistakes.

OP posts:
littlewoman · 25/05/2008 21:52

Oh, GF. That reminds me of my xh, the cinema story. What a tosser. And yes, it does make you feel sorry for that family, but so blardy glad that you're not having to put up with that crap anymore.

It's not up to your dh who you are friends with. That includes whether or not you are friends with him. All in your own good time.

glitterfairy · 28/05/2008 10:44

Found out yesterday that although he is claiming benefit (the first time ever), he is being investigated by the CSA and the benefits people. He has lied about a load of things including going abroad (said he hadnt and doesnt seem to realise his passport can be checked) and where he lives!

Apparently he is using different addresses for benefits and credit stuff.

I rang the CSA because he is a documentary film maker saying he is out of work and his name came up on some titles on a Sunday night programme. The kids were not impressed. The CSA were actually incredibly helpful for the first time ever and went through every detail with me. I think they think he is just as much of a liar as I do.

So my feeling that he is completely untrustworthy is quite correct and I will not budge. God I wouldnt be his gf for anything.

OP posts:
anorak · 28/05/2008 12:22

Well That's good, perhaps he will get his come-uppance now! It isn't as if you have to worry about whether or not your 'feeling' is correct anyway, you have plenty of hard fact to demonstrate that he's untrustworthy.

I have said many times, I wouldn't like to be my ex and have to try and sleep at night. I sleep very well, with my halo hanging on the bedpost and so will you GF.

piratecat · 28/05/2008 12:49

hi gf, yes stand firm. It must be almost welcome that he wishes you could be friends. I am sure that you have wanted some sort of amicable 'relationship' for 3 yrs. Yet it's too late, he is too unstable, and it would be setting yourslef up.

I feel for you.

the comment about ADD was interesting. I don't know anything about it tho, but have always wondered if these 'men' have some other major behavioural problem that just hasn't been diagnosed, other than being childish manipulative bastards.

Tinkerbel6 · 28/05/2008 13:00

glitterfairy you don't have to be friends with this person, he is an abuser who thinks nothing of screwing his childrens heads up, I would monitor any letter and phone calls to your children and would get a copy of that programme with his credits for the CSA.

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