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Original poster

After three years of horror now this...

51 replies

glitterfairy · 22/05/2008 21:22

My X who has systematically been violent towards me and my kids; who watched as we faced being thrown out of our house because he refused to help with any money; who broke in and dragged us all through two years of court nightmare has now decided we should be friends.

I am quite capable of standing up to him these days but his constant new cry is that a) I should do it for my kids (who I have managed to provide for with nothing much from him and look after despite his violence) and b) I am better than being so unforgiving.

It is starting to get to me now as I do believe that my youngest would prefer us to talk. We currently communicate by email only because as soon as he can phone he does it every day. This was what the judge said was ok as well.

My two eldest dont see him. He assaulted my eldest daughter and she wants nothing more to do with him. My son had an awful time at Christmas and has refused to see x for 6 months. He is now in counseling and has agreed to phone contact at the moment but X is pestering us both for more.

Ds has been ill the last three weeks and so I have had to speak to X more often.

Am I right to stand firm?

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 29/05/2008 09:37

Narcism and personality disorder I think piratecat!

You are so right it was almost a relief but as soon as I threw it back he started behaving in the old ways again and I think it is was just another ploy.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 29/05/2008 09:37

Anorak mine often slips off the bedpost though and threatens to strangle me too!

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 29/05/2008 11:09

I think you already know the answer to this one. Keep email as the only method of communication. It's pretty instant nowadays anyhow.

It is clear he is still misleading you and others (re benefits questions, working etc)

Also if he wants to become 'friends' and communicate more than via email suggest that he looks into mediation where you can both talk with a neutral third party there to work out any issues. If he is genuine he should have no problem with this. And if he has a problem then he clearly isn't genuine in wanting to move forward. If he is on benefits he should get the mediation paid for (though whether he is entitled to benefits is of course another matter)!

Also a mediator will help him take a good hard loko at himself, and he probably won't like it!

Stay strong and don't let him get to you and the kids as he is clearly trying to manipulate things to how he wants them.

best wishes
Gilly

Original poster
glitterfairy · 29/05/2008 11:50

Hi Gilly and thanks for htis.

I didnt have mediation before the court case when I was on legal aid and it was agreed in court I shouldnt have it because of his violence.

He is one of those people who is incredibly good at being charming and would on the face of it accept anything the mediator said including crying and saying what a poor father he was. He wouldnt mean any of it.

As an example my youngest had said one of the ground rules should be that she doesnt have to go to his gfs house for contact visits. So he agreed and the next time he took her straight there for the day. When she said she didnt want to be there he bought her home and then took her again the next time ignoring her being upset and saying she didnt want to go.

The children's guardian once took him to task for calling my youngest fat twice across a playground and he was quite amicable but just said well she is whats the problem?

I would always resist mediation without the children present in any case and we have tried relate and they wont take him on because of his violence which he showed to our counsellor when we went together before we spit up. It was my relate counsellor who worked with me on how to leave the relationship and gave me advice about credit cards and a suitcase in case I had to flee. She was there when I told him it was over because I was too scared to do it without help. Sh was frightened of him as well.

The police have arrested him on numerous occasions and once for harassment of me and I would be worried that if I did more than email he would start that up again.

Even though I have barred my phone as soon as he is at a different number he rings.

OP posts:
Freckle · 29/05/2008 12:10

GF,change your phone number and don't let him have it. The children have your mobile number if they need to contact you. Get caller display and do not answer if you do not recognise the number.

Only let him have your email address. Tbh, if he lied to your dd like that, I'd not let her go with him again. You cannot treat children like that and then demand that you have a right to contact.

bethoo · 29/05/2008 12:12

do not keep in contact wiht him, sounds dangerous. i get the impression he is trying ot worm his back int oyour life only to abuse yo again once he has got his foot in the door. and are the kids his? if not then the best thing for the kids is not to see him.

tammybear · 29/05/2008 12:16

Hey GF, I remember your threads a couple of years ago about him. It sounds like you're doing so well, considering what he is still doing now. Keep to just email contact. Change your number if you have to, but I'm one of those people who will not answer a call unless I know who's ringing. If it's important, they can leave a message and I'll get back to them.

gillybean2 · 29/05/2008 13:08

As I said above, you do already know the answer to this one. Keep email as the only method of communication.

Gilly

Original poster
glitterfairy · 01/06/2008 12:56

Freckle you have been a tower of strength to me for years so a big and special thank you. Everyone else thank you as well for making me feel I am doing the right thing. In the manner of many women who have been through an abusive relationship I still need some support when I think I am the one making things worse or not helping as much as I should.

I think I would love to have an amicable and friendly relationship but cant with him just as my kids would love to have a great dad but not him. That is why when he dandles it in front of me I get a little weaker and imagine how pleasant it would be.

The kids are so well these days, especially my eldest who hasnt seen him for two and a half years and I know they are better off. Of course I would love them to have a dad but not him!

OP posts:
fullmoonfiend · 01/06/2008 13:00

GF, i would rather have no dad than my birth dad FWIW...
It took me 36 years to work tht one out for myself.

You are doing fabulously, stay strong.

Freckle · 01/06/2008 13:04

That's sweet of you GF. I think you are still, to a degree, grieving for the relationship which you thought you had - the one where you grow old together with your lovely children able to rely on both mum and dad. His actions have made that an impossibility and, much as you don't want him as a husband or father to your children any more, it doesn't mean to say that you don't hanker after that relationship.

Just remember that it was his actions which led to the divorce and his actions which mean that he no longer has a relationship with dd. My niece hasn't had any contact with her dad since she was 9 (she's now 15) and I know my sister worries that perhaps, if she'd (my sister) handled things differently, this wouldn't be the case. But it was his actions which led to his dd breaking off contact.

I think that all you can do is to keep communications to a minimum and specific to organising contact with the children. Don't get drawn into conversations about anything else, because you know he can be a charmer when he feels it will gain him something. And all it does is unsettle you again.

Oh and you need to find a New Man!

Nighbynight · 01/06/2008 13:34

glitterfairy, he sounds so much like my ex. Stand firm - he is just trying to get at you through guilt.

Narcissism and personality disorder -yes. You can't exactly say they are ill, but definitely not normal either.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 01/06/2008 18:23

Absolutely Freckle and I still feel guilty even though I know I am not in the wrong here.

My kids on the other hand think I have done a brilliant job and are happier without him in the house or too much contact. Even my youngest who still sees him only wants the every two weeks 9 hours and nothing else.

I kind of have found a new man but am still far too untrusting and am therefore taking things very slowly but he is meeting the kids next weekend.

OP posts:
Freckle · 01/06/2008 22:29

Glad to hear that you have a New Man. Just be prepared for fireworks when ex finds out. But don't let him, under any circumstances, influence how you conduct your new relationship.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 01/06/2008 22:56

He has found out and I think this is why he had three weeks of constant pressure to be friends again!

He asked my youngest if I was happy and she said yes loads more than when she was with you!

OP posts:
Freckle · 02/06/2008 09:15

Oh well done, dd. That does rather explain his sudden desire to become "friends" again.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 05/06/2008 08:12

Great, back to normal.

Two threatening emails now saying he is taking me back to court asap even though it will inflict distress on everyone but I have left him no choice.

My ds has been very ill and so now he is saying why didnt he meet him for a cup of tea? Well.......

I dont expect that to happen any time soon though as ds is sick of the pressure from X about contact with texts or calls on his mobile. Ds sees a counselor at school due to this pressure who has told him to take things very slowly with re-establishing contact. Ds told X this and he is as usual burning all his bridges by ignoring it. This will result in no contact being re established and yes more threats of court!

OP posts:
Pinkchampagne · 05/06/2008 08:16

Your ex is such an arse, GF!
Good on your DD for saying what she did!!

Original poster
glitterfairy · 05/06/2008 08:18

Yep that more or less sums him up PC!

I am not answering these emails now it is too much hassle.

How are you today?

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 05/06/2008 08:26

He always wants to call the shots doesn't he?

You have done so well.

Remember that list?!

gillybean2 · 05/06/2008 08:39

You don't have to respond to every little thing, nor even right away unless it is something urgent like cancelled contact.

If he emails you a lot then save them up for a week and only respond once a week to them all in one message. Even if it is just a 'I acknowledge receipt of your email dated [date] and [date] and three on [date]...

This will give you time to calm down a little and not respond with the instant reply i'm sure you'd like to give him! Take the wind out of his sails. If he threatens court then let him do it. All that's going to do is cost him a lot of money.

So if he emailed threatening to take you back to court you should go get your 30 free mins with a sol if you don't already have one and respond something like:

Thank you for your email dated [date] stating that you intend to take matters back to court. I have instructed [xyz sol]. Please could you advise your sol of this and ask your sol to direct any future communications to them.

Yours
[you]

piratecat · 05/06/2008 09:33

oh gf, i feel for you so much. That he ignores the advice of a counsellor, let me guess, was it you who conveyed the 'take it slowly sentiment' ??

then it MUST all be made up and your fault. I am not trying to fanthe fire here, but so much of what your ex does, mine does. I have absolutely no patience anymore with his anger, which is unfounded.

my dd is on a counseling waiting list too. These men want thier cake and to eat it, if not swallow it whole.

Tinkerbel6 · 05/06/2008 10:29

glitterfairy block his email address

Original poster
glitterfairy · 05/06/2008 14:48

My ds had counseling today and it appears X has been trying to interfere there but got nowhere. The counsellor is in school but from relate and has referred Xs behaviour back to them. They have already banned him because of his violence and abuse.

Ds has told counsellor about being hit by X and how desperate he felt and alone. He has also said he is worried X will take me back to court and got a lot of support from his counsellor over what would happen and what rights he had. His counsellor is fab because ds has a lot of anger against me for not properly doing anything about the violence at home until I chucked X out and the counsellor is working this through with him and asked him today why he made such an effort with X but didnt with me. Ds replied because its ok to get angry with mum I know I can take things out on her which is a big complement but can be pretty exhausting!

Gillly saving them up is a good idea. I already answer them slowly and at one point was sending them to a good friend and my sister to answer for me as I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

As for court I am ignoring that and he knows who my solicitor is as we went through two years of court battles where in the end he gained absolutely nothing after making all our lives hell. We have endless documents of his lies, bullying and threats. My solicitor has said if he dies take me back we will ask the judge to stop him making these threats.

GGG how are you? SO good to hear from you! That list I was talking about on here a month or so ago and I need a proper copy! PLEASE.

Tinkerbel6 I cant it is the only thing left with which he communicates to me. What I can do is simply ignore the stuff which is not about contact or the health of the kids.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Tinkerbel6 · 06/06/2008 11:43

Oh I see yes anything that is nasty just keep for reference in future if it goes to court, hope your son benefits from the counselling x

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