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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

have any mums let the father take the kids?

87 replies

QueenTurtle · 08/01/2025 09:26

I mean I could never do it as he would never take them but i'm just so fed up of being a mum. please don't ask why I had kids then, unlike most people I actually loved the baby and toddler stage but it's all down hill from then on and no it doesn't get easier when they are older, they are older and it's worse than ever. I dream often of my old life or just being the NRP but he would never have them so it isn't an option but if he was involved I would let him take them and be the RP. Has any mums given the kids to the father?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 09/01/2025 00:10

Anewyearanewday · 08/01/2025 23:45

I know of mums who have given custody to the fathers.

One had a boy who lives with his Dad. His mum lives in another country now. I don't know when/if she sees the child at all and if she has it has been once every few years. But she talks to the boy most days on the phone. The father and boy seem to have a very good relationship. I don't know what they have told him other than the mum's job is in the other country.

Another mum couldn't live with her husband and moved out. They decided to leave the kids in the family home and she rented a small flat for herself. She sees the children every other weekend and when its her weekend, she stays in the family home for two nights and then moves back out again.

I know another woman who had an affair and moved out of the family home. Her husband and kids stayed in the family home for a few years but in the end, the husband moved out and she moved back in.

So there are all sorts of different situations.

I find being a mum very very hard and agree that as they grow older, it gets more and more difficult, exhausting and draining. I wish more people were honest about how difficult being a parent is but it seems to be a taboo subject and always ends with childless people saying parents are lucky to have kids. I have two kids (end of primary school age) and having one child was lovely but I haven't ever enjoyed being a mum of two.It certainly has only got worse with each passing year.

Edited

always ends with childless people saying parents are lucky to have kids.

It's interesting that you say that because I've never wanted kids and some parents are very keen to tell me how much I'm missing out by not having them.

Anewyearanewday · 09/01/2025 00:24

It's interesting that you say that because I've never wanted kids and some parents are very keen to tell me how much I'm missing out by not having them

Probably resent your downtime, finances, lack of stress, frequent holidays, not having to cook every day, not have to be a referee and sleeping time.........

Onthefence87 · 09/01/2025 08:52

QueenTurtle · 08/01/2025 22:33

Just to be clear I am not planning on giving them up nor are they neglected. I always put them first hence why I’m so exhausted I don’t really mean give them to him as he wouldn’t have them anyway I mean in an ideal world I wish he was a good dad then he can be the RP.

Ahh okay....I get that must be so so hard....it shouldn't all be on your shoulders and it's a shame it has to be that way :( x

BiblicalArk · 09/01/2025 09:19

When I was a young mum I found the lack of freedom hard . I wasn't having any free time .

Plus I had a Ex husband that worked away in the week who i later found out was having a great time at truck stops watching strippers, playing pool and darts .

I put my foot down and insisted he got a job near home and home in the evenings .

QueenTurtle · 09/01/2025 09:22

stargazer02 · 09/01/2025 00:08

I haven't, but here to sympathise with the relentlessness of it all. I thought I was tired in the newborn days but oh my. The stress has me awake at all hours. I got into this thinking I'd have someone to share the load, and instead their dad is adding to it.

What age are your kids? Do you think a night away would be enough to boost you or are you past that point?

I don’t get nights away unfortunately that wouldn’t be an option. They are 13 12 10 and 7

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 09/01/2025 09:26

Wow, four of them. That’s hardcore. You have my sympathy- I don’t know how people do it.

Seasonsfeastings · 09/01/2025 10:46

yes my mum had an affair, went off and left the DC (me and my two brothers)

alloutofcareunits · 09/01/2025 20:00

My brother and his wife split up when their daughter was 5, she moved out and my brother was the resident parent. Her mother had her a couple of nights a week if it was convenient.... my niece is an adult now and has quite a good relationship with her mum but more as friends rather than mother daughter. Her mum didn't have anymore children which I think was a wise decision

Burntt · 16/01/2025 15:22

I have times when I have felt like this. I have a disabled child who cannot attend school so I lost my whole life to caring and it's almost broken me. A few years in and my oldest two have more independence. I refuse to pick up after them so if they leave toys everywhere I give a warning then it all gone in "toy time out" and they have to earn it back. I expect them to scrape their plate and put it in the dishwasher (needs constant reminders but they do it). Kids can change their own beds. Ironing isn't important. Basically I delegate as much as is reasonable to the children, it doesn't fix it but I feel less of a maid.

One trick is get a new game or craft activity on a weekend and give it to them Saturday morning then you sit and drink tea and half supervise but still getting your own time. I got my old wii console out for mine recently and they play for a good couple hours at a time working together on all the Lego games, I sit and watch and scroll mums-net.

You have probably had the batch cooking advice? I batch cook bolognese, curry, stew- all foods that I defrost and microwave then just cook the accompanying pasta or rice etc. Sometimes I do a Shepards pie of something to freeze but they take up a lot of room and when feeding lots of people they do t go as far for the space in the freezer.

Do you have mum friends? I've never had success but I've always been recommended doing play dates so you can give each other time off. You should look into getting a babysitter and finding a hobby to give you something other than work and mother in your life.

With your youngest being 7 I think it's reasonable to tell them one weekend day you are having a sleep in and not to wake you before eh 10am.

Can you find an age appropriate box set to watch with the kids? Or swimming? Try think of something to do together with the kids that YOU would enjoy doing not just facilitating the kids happiness keep yours in mind too. Nurturing time with them you enjoy so parenting doesn't feel quite such a burden.

Do they fight? Is it the mess? Helping with homework? What is it you hate about parenting this age maybe if you are more specific we can give you our tips to make it easier?

I know how you feel. I think it's worse when the other parent is living their life as though they don't have kids. I struggle to hold my toung when my kids make comments about their dad being fun the rare time they see him. Or when parents with support moan about how hard it is but later in the conversation mention something that I could never do as always have the kids. I think unless you parent alone and constantly it's hard to really connect to it. But as you see on this thread lots of us understand the feeling you just don't see it in real life because we would never tell anyone out of shame or fear our kids would get wind of what we said!

What I will say though is think about the relationship you want with your children as adults. Will you want them to fly the nest and you wash your hands of them? Will you want to be an involved grandparent? My mother clearly had a preference for younger children. She worked with little ones and vocally didn't care for parenting me as an older child. She's very good with little ones but fuck am I letting her near my kids to cause the hurt and rejection I felt as a child when I got past the age of 5. Think how quickly your kids have grown for babies to what they are now. You are essentially more than half way through. You just have to make it as enjoyable as possible to make the time pass as fast as the baby years did and then you will be out the other end soon enough.

user1471538283 · 13/02/2025 18:21

I raised my DS alone and it was exhausting. At one point I thought if his DF was around I'd drop him off just so I could have a break. I found it hard when he was little then better as a younger teenager then very hard again as an older teenager. Plus everyone seemed to think because I was alone they could have an opinion on my child and how I raised him.

It's one day at a time OP.

Ellepff · 13/02/2025 18:34

When I was about 12-17 my friends with divorced parents were always switching RP after major blow ups with one parent. I’m sure my parents would have loved to have someone else to take me for a few months.

So you are not alone, but you don’t have the support you need.

A lot of the boys around that age started to spend more time at Dad’s house even if there was a SM.

PodgyOwl · 27/02/2025 21:54

Yes. I'm ashamed. I suffered severe postnatal depression and wanted to divorce. I agreed he could take our son back to my ex's parents 200 miles north. He limits my contact to one day a month. Going through courts to get him back down with me. Biggest regret of my life.

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