have any mums let the father take the kids?

[QueenTurtle]

I mean I could never do it as he would never take them but i'm just so fed up of being a mum. please don't ask why I had kids then, unlike most people I actually loved the baby and toddler stage but it's all down hill from then on and no it doesn't get easier when they are older, they are older and it's worse than ever. I dream often of my old life or just being the NRP but he would never have them so it isn't an option but if he was involved I would let him take them and be the RP. Has any mums given the kids to the father?

Most people I know loved the baby and toddler stage.

Not on MN. everyone says it's the worst and hardest, I found it by far the easiest. although MN doesn't usually reflect real life.

I loved all stages.

A woman I used to know left her DC with their father as she had met a new man and he wasn’t prepared to take on the DC .

That’s rude to call me a troll because I have differing opinions.

I genuinely don’t know one mum that didn’t enjoy the baby and toddler stage - I mean it’s wonderful.

Sure there is the tiredness etc - but seriously come on - it’s an absolute blessing.

Helpful

You do realise that MN isn’t a hive mind and people can have different points of view?

Just because that differs from yours it doesn’t make them a troll. Tbh your comment makes you look immature.

Maybe not a troll but coming onto a thread where the OP is struggling and smugly declaring that you - and everyone else you know - found it all easy reveals a certain lack of emotional intelligence at the very least.

can people stop detailing my thread, i'm asking if any mums gave the children to their father, not what stage people find easiest, i only put that to explain why i have more than one child as it's usually asked if you find it hard why did you have more than one well i didn't find those stages hard i loved and enjoyed them, i just see people on MN saying how awful they are and how the teen years are the easiest so it was just to explain that i didn't dislike that stage.

Where did I say it was easy?

thank you yes it's not relevant it was just to give background of why i have more than one, glad someone found every stage easy. probably not even a lone parent this is the lone parents board.

I hated being a lone parent, OP, if that helps. I had five kids, their dad started out he was going to take them all, then disappeared to the other end of the country and hardly saw them at all, never paid a penny. There were days when I contemplated strapping them all (aged between 2-9) into the car and driving us all into the nearest reservoir. There was no time, no sleep (one ADHD, one non-diagnosed but 'difficult') and they were, basically, feral.

At times I would quite cheerfully have given them, never mind to their father, but to any passing person who expressed an interest in having them. It was hell. But gradually, gradually, as they got older, started to occupy themselves more, had friends and I could get some sleep, it got easier. Four went off to university, they are all now very well employed and happy and I have a great relationship with them. Their dad - not so much, they see him when he can be bothered but his behaviour towards them is ...erratic, and he seems to see them as a way of making money somehow. He has still never paid back the CMS and is now retired.

You are tired, OP. And it is hard. But you know you wouldn't ever hand your child over, you just need a break. I'm not going to suggest what people suggested to me about 'having a weekend away' or anything because that's usually impractical, but if you can carve yourself just a few minutes out of each day to do something you truly enjoy - knit, read a book, have a swim, watch Loose Women - things will start to improve. They really will.

that sounds very difficult and yes i feel a lot of that but i definitely would absolutely give them to him if he would take them. he just wouldn't have them. they are older than that now i thought it would get better but it doesn't.

A friend of mine (in her 70s) and her siblings were left behind when her mother “went to find work”. What she actually found was a new partner and started a new family and never came back for the children. My friend and her siblings ended up neglected and removed from the father because he “couldn’t stop working just to look after kids”. She is lovely, but very damaged by her upbringing, which has coloured her whole life since, and she has lost contact with her siblings so is very lonely.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. Not me personally but I do know two women who left their DC with their fathers. One due to mental health issues, the other because after they split she wanted to pursue a career that wouldn’t provide much stability for the DC. In both cases the DC thrived and none of the mothers regret their decision. I think it’s often assumed the mother would be the best primary caregiver but it is not always the case.

I hated the baby stage so much I went back early from maternity leave. I was not made to be the FT parent to a small child.

OP, yes, a friend of mine left their three sons (aged 11, 13 and 15) with their father when she divorced him. They do stay with her periodically, and she's very much still in their lives, but their dad is the RP.

How old are they OP?

Are you just fed up, need a break? Are there particular things you need support with?

No practical advice, OP and I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

I heard this podcast a few years back and I remember finding it very thoughtful and a totally unapologetic look at why some mothers are better parents as NRPs. I hope it at least gives you some solidarity.

I’ve never been in this position as my ex died but I just want to say I agree with you, it gets harder and harder. Newborns are easy mode at this point.

I know a few cases, but generally speaking it was never a good deal for the children - the fathers weren’t the greatest option. I think I only know one where the father was more involved than the mother (but he also used to beat the hell out of her so no wonder she had difficulties).

I know 2 men who have been the resident parent.

1. My BIL his wife had an affair and became pregnant by affair partner. (BIL had already had a vasectomy).
2. My friend. His wife died of cancer when dc were about 10 and 12.

@QueenTurtle how old are your children?

What is stressing you out the most about the situation? If handing them over to their dad isn't an option, perhaps some other posters might have some useful suggestions to make things easier.

I was a single parent for 14 years and it was crippling at times to have everything on you. I get it. Things did eventually get better though. Mine are all but adults now and whilst they still have their problems and need support, its a lot less hands on. One of my kids has SNs so may have to live with us forever.

If it wouldn't actually affect DC I admit to being tempted - he has no idea about the kids after being absent for their lives - so it would be more to give a reality check. However he'd just get a nanny and pay for them to do it all while he would get off feeling the had "won".

Obviously no one really wins when it's all dragged through the courts.

I know of two people - both with quite high flying careers. One of them had fairly young kids - under 12. I can’t remember if she had three or two but I remember chatting to her when she was saying that she was getting divorced and she just casually said “obviously the kids are staying with my husband so I’m hoping the divorce will be quite straightforward as I don’t want money from him and I won’t be pushing to have the kids”. The other one had three kids, I think they were older - mid to late teens. She did carry on seeing them and has a good relationship with them but the kids stayed with her ex in the family home. She seemed to have a bit of a crisis of confidence when she moved out but is doing well now.

I think fair enough - why can’t men be the primary carers? Not everyone loves being a mum all the time.

Yes.

I have had little choice as I have significant worsening health challenges meaning I couldn't cope and effectively parent anymore.

I am grateful dad and stepmum have always been involved and see there are benefits to guidance from a father now son is a teen.

I know it isn't what you asked but there's a great deal of taboo here. It's ok to think no matter what's going on or not with you, this is not what I expected or imagined. Doing it alone is really tough with no break.