have any mums let the father take the kids?

[QueenTurtle]

I mean I could never do it as he would never take them but i'm just so fed up of being a mum. please don't ask why I had kids then, unlike most people I actually loved the baby and toddler stage but it's all down hill from then on and no it doesn't get easier when they are older, they are older and it's worse than ever. I dream often of my old life or just being the NRP but he would never have them so it isn't an option but if he was involved I would let him take them and be the RP. Has any mums given the kids to the father?

I've found the teenage years to be, at times, almost unbearably difficult. Now than once I've thought about just walking out the door and not coming back.

But, and I'm very lucky to have this, phoning my mum and asking if they could stay at hers for a couple of days would really help. I phoned her once and said "you need to come and get DS2 ASAP. I don't trust myself not to hurt him right now. We both need a break"
I then told DS2 that I love him, and I know he loves me. But that we both needed a break. He agreed.

I have also (unfortunately) told them both at times to go and live with their father because I've had enough. I hate that I've got that angry with them.

I don’t have any family that would help unfortunately

My parents did 50:50 so I suppose my mum did let my dad take us half of the time.

It's utterly shit that this isn't the norm.

There was a huge thread on aibu about how damaging it is for kids apparently not that I agree but yes it should be the norm.

Really sorry to hear you are on your knees like this op.
You are clearly a committed mum and your children are loved and cared for, but sounds like you're pouring from an empty cup.
No family support either. That's very tough.
Are there any people in your area in a similar situation, could you find out? Sometimes libraries run clubs for families + SEN, or single parent families etc. I've seen them on the noticeboard at our library.
Maybe mutual support from someone in similar position might be some crumb of positive input?

I know one woman who had enough of motherhood. The kids (teens) live in a flat with their dad. She gave up her career when the kids were born so has very little money in the bank and was completely dependent on her ex. As she no longer had the kids, she doesn’t get CMS or benefits. She didn't want to get a mortgage or have to worry about rent so she now lives in a campervan but seems 10000% happy with her choice and is very chilled out. She owns the van outright and makes enough money doing odd jobs for friends or odd shifts in a cafe or bar to cover her expenses and spends the rest of her time volunteering, doing yoga, painting and generally being a bit of a hippy. She seems fine now, but I don't know if it will still work for her when she is approaching retirement and has no heating, a severed relationship with her kids and no savings/pension to fall back on.

I know a single parent dad childs mother is around doesn't see her. She was around when younger but they separated and now she is just with other men and travelling and has no interest in her child. Z child is still very young. I dont understand it I couldn't do it so I couldn't put myself in a position to guess why people can freely do this. I know when I had my own child if they where with their dad I was feeling anxious and really missed them

The aspects that were damaging for me were:

• Handover being Sunday night. If we needed cookery stuff or sanpro for Monday morning, the receiving parent had no time to get it. Mobile phones didn't exist so we couldn't just text. If we forgot something (homework, text book), there was no buffer time in which to retrieve it. I'm autistic and DSis is ADHD, both undiagnosed as children, so you can imagine how often stuff got forgotten.
• My dad sending us to Mum's with wet school uniforms even though he had a dryer and he knew she didn't have a dryer nor central heating.
• Not being sure which address to give when asked for my address.
• Forgetting where I lived that week and going home to the wrong house after school.

The handover being Friday night would have made far more sense. It would have given a whole weekend to sort out sanpro etc for Monday and it would have made it in my Dad's self-interest to dry our clothes after washing them. We'd have had the weekend to remember missing items and retrieved them.

The uncertainty about my address was a pain, but not as bad as crumpled loo roll in knickers, detention for missing cookery stuff, or literally wearing wet clothes to school.

And I bet she will want the kids then as old age approaches and will use all the manipulative tricks in the book to get them to do her bidding. If I was those kids I wouldn't bother with her full stop .

At certain points I think parenthood seems an endless trudge. I found 13 to 18/19 bloody endless with the oldest ones. Having a much younger child reminded me why I had bothered in the first place! Yes I used to have a fantasy life where I only had to put up with them half the time and the rest of the time lived in an immaculate one bedroom luxury flat!

That's actually very sad . No judgement on this one .

It’s really tough being a sole parent OP. Being a single parent is different. A parent who’s not in a relationship but shares parenting responsibilities with the other parent, is not the same as being a sole parent. I’m a sole parent too and often all we can do is get on with it. There are no fixes or solutions to making life easier.

I know a few scenarios:
1 - a woman who was raised by her father after her mother walked out when she was a year old. She more or less raised herself and has a lot of emotional problems relating to this as an adult. unfortunately she’s damaged her own child with as a result of these emotional problems.
2 - a friend who’s husband is raising their children after she died. He’s a good parent but essentially is still co-parenting as his sister largely took over the role of mothering his children. So he’s not doing it alone.
3 - a relative who left her teenage children with her ex-husband after she met another man. They’ve never forgiven her and refuse all contact. I think it’s something she’ll regret until she dies.

I’ve no doubt that a few do exist, but I’ve never known a man who’s done a good job of raising a child completely by himself, only women.

My cousin is with his dad. His mum remarried and it wasn't working out for her with him. He has been with his dad for about 15 years now and they have the most wonderful relationship. He is sometimes sad around school holidays as it had once been agreed that she would see him then but in 2024 she hadn't asked for him once 💔

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling OP. I have a toddler with a supportive DH and still find things tough and exhausting. I am in awe of single mothers / single parents . You may not be feeling great but I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job for your DC. I hope you do find a solution 💐

There's a woman on insta that has given the dad the kid cause he lives closer to school and his life is better set up to accommodate weekdays. She gets weekends. I suppose I did fantasise about getting them at the weekends for the fun bits and him doing the shitty bits for a change. He did take one of them and alienated me for 9 months, she was a mess when I got her back, he was such a bad parent. It sounds like you could use some help and support. I wasn't a massive fan of the baby phase, it wasn't terrible but I found it boring. Teenagers are a constant worry. I hear you OP, it's a tough gig, especially on your own it's relentless. Do you have any time for yourself at all??

My aunt did 30 years ago

A friend of mine did. She thought he was the better parent and it was better for her child. I think she was right, except I also think she's oneof the best mothers I've ever met for that.

I knew of a man who dumped four children and went off to start a family of three with another woman . The youngest children were actually born a few weeks apart so he was fucking his wife as well as the other woman .

His new family had no idea what had happened and only found out when one of the children who was dumped got in touch via the internet. The dad had died by then .

It just blows my mind that someone could walk away from four children and start a new family with someone else .

My mother did. But basically left because she wanted to live her own life and felt her children were in the way of that. I'm NC with her now.

@QueenTurtle yes I had friends at school who primarily lived with their father. They saw their mum but not anywhere near 50/50. To my recollection they didn’t see her that frequent i could be wrong. The dad was very committed to them and was supported by his ex mother in law who moved into an annexe he built so she was in hand to help out while he worked. The mum left the marriage, not sure if not seeing the children much was her choice or not, she eventually remarried but didn’t have more kids. They are now adults and have a good relationship with both parents.

So in answer to your question yes it does happen but is less common.

I know a man in his 80s now whose wife left him with 2 teenagers in the 80s. They all remained close although no joint custody. The mum was around for visits etc but the dad and sons stayed in the family home. The older child (15/16ish when she left) had some resentment towards the mum. Younger one not at all.

Another friend ended up being main carer but more joint custody for his son. It was a casual relationship with the mother so they were never together as such. I think she had more of the son as a baby but the son went to stay mostly with father later.

I know of mums who have given custody to the fathers.

One had a boy who lives with his Dad. His mum lives in another country now. I don't know when/if she sees the child at all and if she has it has been once every few years. But she talks to the boy most days on the phone. The father and boy seem to have a very good relationship. I don't know what they have told him other than the mum's job is in the other country.

Another mum couldn't live with her husband and moved out. They decided to leave the kids in the family home and she rented a small flat for herself. She sees the children every other weekend and when its her weekend, she stays in the family home for two nights and then moves back out again.

I know another woman who had an affair and moved out of the family home. Her husband and kids stayed in the family home for a few years but in the end, the husband moved out and she moved back in.

So there are all sorts of different situations.

I find being a mum very very hard and agree that as they grow older, it gets more and more difficult, exhausting and draining. I wish more people were honest about how difficult being a parent is but it seems to be a taboo subject and always ends with childless people saying parents are lucky to have kids. I have two kids (end of primary school age) and having one child was lovely but I haven't ever enjoyed being a mum of two.It certainly has only got worse with each passing year.

Thank you this makes me feel less alone. I’ve honestly found it so much harder as they’ve got older. I hate being told it gets easier as they get older, mine are older and it’s worse than ever.

Yes I do, one of the children is a young teenager living with her dad and his no relationship with her mum who lives close by. Does very well on the surface but definitely not ideal.

My BiL is a single Dad she didn’t even request to have them - its been 10 years now oldest is 23 and sees her 2-3 times a year, youngest is 18 and sees her once every 6 weeks for a couple of hours. She paid a bit of maintenance.

He has had a really difficult time with the eldest linked to drugs etc we have supported as have DH’s and BiL’s parents but she hasn’t bothered. I know he finds it really tough some days.

I haven't, but here to sympathise with the relentlessness of it all. I thought I was tired in the newborn days but oh my. The stress has me awake at all hours. I got into this thinking I'd have someone to share the load, and instead their dad is adding to it.

What age are your kids? Do you think a night away would be enough to boost you or are you past that point?