have any mums let the father take the kids?

[QueenTurtle]

I mean I could never do it as he would never take them but i'm just so fed up of being a mum. please don't ask why I had kids then, unlike most people I actually loved the baby and toddler stage but it's all down hill from then on and no it doesn't get easier when they are older, they are older and it's worse than ever. I dream often of my old life or just being the NRP but he would never have them so it isn't an option but if he was involved I would let him take them and be the RP. Has any mums given the kids to the father?

There’s nothing that could make it easier unfortunately

Thanks all I’m glad to hear others have been in the situation and it’s not just me wishing this. I do think it is taboo if the mum doesn’t want to be the resident parent but so many dads get to walk away with little to no judgement as no one even knows I know my ex keeps it a secret he has kids.

Thank you I will check this out

Years ago I knew of one person whose son lived with his father because she had MS and wasn't able to care for him adequately - needed care herself and died quite young. Not the same situation I know.

That is very sad 😔 . I think if anything happened to me my ex still wouldn’t have the children, I remember saying what would happen if I die and he said you better make sure you don’t then. He wouldn’t have the kids they would go into care.

There’s a big difference between a father being the RP by mutual agreement or even because he wanted to be and trying to get an absent (I assume by you saying you are and have been a lone parent) father to take full responsibility for his kids that he has so far failed to show any love and care for.
I suppose it depends if you are more at a point where your children’s welfare and wellbeing is secondary and you just want out at any cost.
Doesn’t sound like he’d take them willingly I think you’d have to leave the country or something and contact social services so they would become the responsibility of the local authority and they would approach Dad and do assessments to see if he’s fit and willing.
You could contact SS to see if they might offer some preventative support to you but I know their resources are stripped bare.

Wouldnt put my kids into care that’s completely different the outcome of children in care isn’t a great one. Would happily wave them off to my ex though and see them on weekends.

This is awful, wtf, how can you ditch your kids for this reason.

So do you currently co parent with him then because like I said that’s entirely different to if you are currently a lone parent that does all the parenting on your own while he is absent.
If you think he is capable of loving and caring for them better than you can then it’s a good move. We are RP to my stepchild and it works in everyone’s best interests.

My mum moved out and we stayed with my dad.

My fiancée has his son full time too. As does one of his friends. It’s a lot more common than people realise.

No he is not in contact this is just an “if I could I would” like if he was a decent father

I couldn't just scroll and say nothing. Ive never been in this situation and can't imagine how you feeling mentally but I really do hope you are ok. If your feelings are this strong and it's possibly causing negligence to your children then please contact SS. You wouldn't be a burden, this is what they are there for. Are your children young?

No I would never neglect them I am just miserable and don’t enjoy parenting I would never put them into care I mean only with their other parent

My boyfriend raised his child alone after his ex-wife decided to move overseas for work.

He found it very difficult, much as you do, OP, so I sympathize. It’s hard.

So, so many men do it.

I’m sorry things are shit and you don’t have the option, I have been a lone parent and I know how hard it is , all I can say is it gets easier and there is a light down the line.
I hope you can find some support from people that understand ( I mostly didn’t because my friends had ex’s that paid CM and co parented so so different to doing it all
alone with zero breaks). All I can say is I’d have rather have gone through what I did lone patenting than had to continue in a toxic relationship with their Dad.

Ive known several single dads where the mum left for various reasons.

One mum met a man online and had never met him before leaving her current husband and kids.
Turns out, the man from the internet was a violent thug and drug abuser. When she tried to get the kids back, the dad laughed and the court gave her 2 hours every fortnight because she refused to exclude the druggie thug...

But...

How that helps op, I don't know.

To answer your question, yes, my DSCs mum left family home to be with her affair partner (they were 3 and 6 at the time). She still sees them regularly but my DH is their resident parent. No big reason for her to not be RP, she just didn’t fancy it I guess.

I guess to know it’s not just me that would do this. I don’t know any RP fathers.

Very true.

Once... I knew someone who abandoned her 2 children and husband for the excitement of a new love and a very different life. She was classic beauty, her husband not so much, quite dull I suppose but very gentle and supportive. They married young and had two children, money was alway quite tight. When the kids were of school age, she got a new job working for an older boss who was divorced and very wealthy. He must have opened a window on a different life because a few years after starting her new job, she came home from a family holiday one summer and immediately moved out. A couple of weeks afterwards, she and her boss emigrated to live in Malta. It must have been planned, the family holiday was a silent goodbye. Even her friends couldn't believe it and knew nothing about what was being planned. Husband and kids were devastated as they didn't have an inkling. Husband eventually paired up with another divorcee after a few years so it all turned out ok I guess. The kids are now in their late 20's and they do have occasional meet-ups with their mum when she comes over to the UK.

My dh ex girlfriend gave dss to us the week he started school. Apparently loved the baby stage but wasn't fussed on the thought of having to get up early for the school run. She tried to blame it on dss saying he was horrible to her ( he was only 5) when really he was and still is a lovely little boy. He was better off with us anyway, and 5 years later is still here and thriving.

He sounds like a pathetic excuse for a father! To let his kids go into care rather than look after them if their own mother died....what.the.actual.fuck.

But why would you want to subject your kids to being in the 'care' of someone like that who clearly doesn't give a shit about them?

And if you don't want them with you either then who actually is around to make these poor kids feel wanted, loved and secure?!

I'm guessing if you say they would end up in care if you died, they aren't that old and you don't have close relatives for them to rely on...

To be blunt OP, you chose to have those children, and when you sign up to be a parent it's not all about the cute 'baby and toddler' stage.You make a committment to love, care and provide for that child for every stage of life, despite it being a bloody challenge at times (which especially as a single parent it is i'm sure!)
So did your dickhead ex to be fair to you....but it sounds like he shouldn't be anywhere near them anyway!

Perhaps you need some family therapy? Or some mental health support? Respite of some kind? You sound overwhelmed.

But those kids need you.....

I have a friend. Her daughter moved to her dad at 12 yo.
She loved baby and toddler years but couldn't go on with a teenager.
I never understood she asked her child to move.

Just to be clear I am not planning on giving them up nor are they neglected. I always put them first hence why I’m so exhausted I don’t really mean give them to him as he wouldn’t have them anyway I mean in an ideal world I wish he was a good dad then he can be the RP.