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How long will it take before I stop feeling like I have been knocked sideways by a bus???

56 replies

ChasingSquirrels · 23/04/2008 22:02

H announced mid-march that he didn't love me any more, was only staying for the dc's and didn't think he could carry on.
Lots of discussions, tears etc but a refusal to try and make it work on his side, he started looking for somewhere to rent, and I probably pushed him to go sooner rather than later by saying if he wasn't prepared to try and make us work then he had to go. He moved out last Saturday.
I do appreciate that it is very early days, but WHEN am I going to stop reeling?????
He worked away alot, was late in the evenings etc so I am used to coping with the day to day care of the children, running of the house etc on my own. However I just feel like there is a massive hole in my life - which there is, we have been together for nearly 17 years, since we met at uni, all my adult memories include him etc.
I know it will just take time, I guess it just helps to get it out.

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 23/04/2008 22:16

oh God, thats hard.

my dh and me were only together 5.5yrs and even though we split in august i STILL feel like ive been hit by a bus..

no advice really, sorry!

gillybean2 · 24/04/2008 08:09

Being on your own a lot while part of a couple isn't the same as being a single parent at all. You will need time to adjust.

It will take a very long time i'm afraid. A rough rule of thumb is that it takes a month for every year together and I have found this to be pretty consistant.

Don't worry about hurting, it's part of the healing process. Horrible as it is he has been preparing for this for a long time so will appear to get over it much faster than you. Don't be afraid of your emotions, it's perfectly natural and you will have a grieving period for the relationship and life that is no more.

Keep strong for your children's sake.
Gilly

taken4granted · 24/04/2008 08:17

CS My Ex p did similar at begining of March and to be honest Im allready feeling better - I still have bad days (quite a few) and hate it when he sees dd for the day as he never did anything with her before the split but hey at least hes spending time with her now. Its difficult what you are going through but honestly you will feel better its the old saying time is a great healer - just try and cope in front of kids for the time being and that soon becomes a habit that will spill over into you time - speak to your friends as much as you can thats what they are there for and also post on here - we are mostly a lovely bunch.
Gillybeans advice is allways spot on by the way. Sending you lots of hugs and best wishes.

brightwell · 24/04/2008 08:54

I saw a solicitor 5 months after ex left and she said "this time next year, you'll feel so much better" I didn't believe her but it was true. Each passing month got easier, that intial reeling is horrid, I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster, every time I thought it had to get better, it got worse. I felt like I had been turned inside out and dipped in salt. Feeling that bad and having to carry on with every day life.... I wouldn't wish it on any one. As each month passed I got stronger & felt "healthier". I would go through it all again to get where I am now.... an independent, strong woman, running a happy home, bringing up 2 wonderful dc.

allgonebellyup · 24/04/2008 10:13

gillybean
i was with ex for five years, and theres no way im over it in just five months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard on here somewhere that it takes a week for every month you were together- 66 months for me(so 66 weeks), that sounds right!

1066andallthat · 24/04/2008 11:03

I think it always depends on how much you're still in love with your ex-. I'm a year down the line (after a twelve year relationship) but by the time, he left, it was over for me - I had no positive feelings left.

A year on, I still have bad moments - contact and money are both major issues - but getting a life back is pretty wonderful and there is lots of hope for the future. MistressMiggins' post about her house and life (two years on) also inspired me.

The raw days are horrible. Rejection is very hard. MN is a great life-line and rl friends and family will make the difference. Take care and keep posting.

ChasingSquirrels · 24/04/2008 15:50

thanks all!
Recently (last few years) I have probably been happier in our relationship etc than I have for a long time, I have always loved him, but did go through quite a long phase (10+ years ago) of not being in love with him. I guess I always wanted a family and having the children has completed my life, but wasn't really what he wanted. So in that way it is very hard - if I didn't care so much about him then I wouldn't be feeling so knocked over.
Your replies probably confirm what I was thinking, at least a year - with the bad days just getting less I suppose.
So I just carry on, in the hope that the bad days get less bad and the good days start to reappear.
Thank you all for posting.

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 24/04/2008 20:32

Aww ChasingSqirrels thats so hard hugs

When I read the thread title I thought well it takes 2 years to move on from an ex.

But Oh My God you were together 17 years and you still loved him

My heart really goes out to you x

Things will get better but will probably take some time, so hang in there, you sound like a special person

littlewoman · 24/04/2008 22:56

I'm so sorry, Chasing Squirrels. I've been there and it is awful. I was 'reeling' for ages. It took me about two years to get over the worst of it, but I didn't feel awful every single day. Some days I felt all-powerful and felt that my improved self-esteem was a big up-yours to xh. Other days I felt like drowning myself. (Was with him 14 years, btw).

I would go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants if you find it too hard to cope. Counselling is very, very helpful too. I can just remember thinking that I could cope wih it all, if only the pain would go away. It's so debilitating.

piratecat · 24/04/2008 23:04

sometimes I feel i can't believe it's been 3 yrs since my ex dh announced he was going.

I can't actually believe I have been on my own in my home with dd 3 years.

You will go forwards, there is no other way to describe it than that. Some days you will think you are doing okay, and others, hours even you will be a mess, put time keeps ticking forwards iyswim.

I sometimes think it was all a bad dream and I will wake up, does anyone else feel like that. Some days I feel so anngry with him, and some days I am very sad for me, for dd of course.
Sometimes I wonder if I have really accepted it at all, or taken it in.

that worries me, becuase its been 3 yrs, and I don't feel i should feel that way.

We were together 10 yrs, married 7, and dd was 2 when he went.

piratecat · 24/04/2008 23:05

sorry if bit hijackerish. dd's 6 th birthday is in a few days and I feel sad.

littlewoman · 24/04/2008 23:23

Piratecat, I'm nearly 4 years down the line and I still cry sometimes. Not because I want him back, just because it is so sad when a family breaks up. I look back and know, of a certainty, that I was not quite right in the head for at least the first year. I used to feel the bad dream thing, and still the anger and the sadness on some days. I find Christmas incredibly hard, even with a new dp.

Linzieloo · 25/04/2008 12:15

Can I suggest you try reading How To Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove, Bloomfield and McWilliams ISBN 0931580439 or 978-0931580437, it's available on Amazon.co.uk and it really helped me and will still help me in the future. I was with my ex-partner for 11 years and he uped sticks and left me for another after having an affair. Our son was 18 months old at the time. It's now been nearly 2 years since all this happened and I can honestly say that I have only just started to feel happy again. Unfortunately you will have to grieve this situation just like you would if you had lost someone through death. It's a horrible experience but a necessary experience. Grasp it with both hands and allow yourself the time to heal. I think you're doing really well as admitting you feel the way you do acknowledges that you realise you are grieving. This feeling will come and go and there will probably times when it's more apparent i.e birthdays, christmas etc, but you will get there - I can guarantee you that, take it from me I've been through it and survived and yes I am a stronger person. In fact I actually feel like thanking my ex-partner for leaving as it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's made me realise just exactly how much of life was passing me by. Hope this helps! xxx

allgonebellyup · 25/04/2008 12:24

pirate, 3 yrs is quite a long time, have you had counselling at all?

Do you go out and meet new people?Hobbies/interests that make you concentrate on other things?

i think the waking up and feeling it was all a bad dream and the anger should be behind you now, it has been a long time.
i have been feeling this way since sept but its not so raw any more and i do find myself attracted to loads of other men!!

piratecat · 25/04/2008 13:53

it is mainly behind me, but I guess we are all different, and I have had alot of loss in my life, and I recognise that dh going was just the final straw.

I have friends, and do get out, but I live in a very small place. I don't dwell on it, but if yuo've seen any of my other posts, my ex dh has been a cock for those 3 yrs and has really made my self confidence low.

Most of my hurt is from how he treats my dd now, and the lack of respect. He just walked on us, no real reason, and decided one day to be a single man.

I feel things very deeply, and have had depression all my life, so leaving me was very very cruel. He knew that, and I was a good wife, and now I think he just punishes me for his actions.

dd was tried for for 3 yrs, and much wanted by ex dh, so that has added to the shock. PLus I had a traumatic birth, and lost a pregnancy too, so it was all alot for me to cope with.

I do sometimes wonder whats wrong with me tho. I think I just never expected this to happen, and I am lonely at times.

piratecat · 25/04/2008 13:55

linzie, i wil check that out thankyou.

littlewoman · 26/04/2008 02:07

I feel things very deeply too, piratecat. Probably something to do with depression. From your post, it sounds as though you don't really comprehend why any of it happened. You both wanted your dc, and tried so long for her, and you were lovely to him. But he left, and continues to hurt you even now he's gone. It just seems wrong - and so unfair. That is what gets me the most about all of this mess. It is so unjust.

Have you ever tried counselling? It is such a massive help to have an impartial ear to listen to you.

littlewoman · 26/04/2008 02:08

Chasing squirrels, sorry, how are you today?

Fllight · 26/04/2008 02:26

Hmm, I still feel very hurt but it's now more than 3 years since he went, and I'm too busy to dwell on it too much. I feel as though a part of me has gone and I can't get it back...but the first few days when he went, were awful, awful, awful - I felt blank and empty and nothing.

I remember leaving Ds (then 18 months old) with my mother, walking to a bench in the middle of a field, in the drizzle, and just tears pouring down my face. I wanted to die and didn't see how I could ever live without him.

Perhaps that indicated an unhealthy attachment on my part, to someone who in reality was not good for me (it was what he could have been, I suppose - and was sometimes) but nevertheless it was very strong. I cried in the street many times, or stopped as I was hit by an overwhelming grief, and had to pull myself together and keep walking to get home with Ds.

I have since had another child, am no longer with the father, and am so busy that it has turned into a memory rather than an actuality iyswim. It's kind of at the back of my mind. Ex is now remarried.

I went to see him last December and was glad that I no longer cared what he thought of my clothes, hair etc. Priorities have changed. He hasn't changed - well he seems smaller, weaker, pale - he's haunted by all sorts of things I think. (It was complicated)

Anyway yes, it gets easier My dear. Just allow time. Somehow you do carry on.

Fllight · 26/04/2008 02:27

Sorry that sounded like I was replying to Littlewoman - it was meant to be a reply to the OP

littlewoman · 26/04/2008 03:09

Fllight, have you ever seen 'theres something about mary'? When Ben Stiller's character cries absolute floods of tears in the street because Mary goes back to her xbf? When I used to start howling in the street, I used to call them my 'ben stiller moments'. I also used to go in the hall, slide down the wall and cry hopelessly there, where the kids wouldn't see me. I called that 'the wailing wall'. I think making light of things, even in such grief, tells us that we all contain the will to get over it and the will to move on. When our consciousness says we can't do it, some part of us carries us forward, because we all know deep down that we can live without our xh's. We did it before we met, we can do it again after. Whether we prefer not to is irrelevant. We can. And our brain finds the best way for us, and we do.

allgonebellyup · 26/04/2008 07:50

oh thank god, i thought i was alone with the crying in the street/car/anywhere moments, times where i just howl. Times where i think i just cant go on.

Pirate- just read my post to you back to myself and it sounded horribly patronising - especially as i myself am in the same situation!
So i hope you accept my apology?

Fllight · 26/04/2008 08:06

I haven't seen it LW, but would like to now
It's funny how every season makes you think of them - places you went, 'sacred' evenings you had and so on. It's horrible. I think really all I have done is remain in denial. I know he will no longer be coming back, but I just refuse to think about it as I can't.

I find the odd bloke attractive but nobody can fill the gap...had one very brief start to a relationship which ended as he wasn't as nice as he seemed...then another where the same thing happened only that time I managed to get pregnant before we split.

I have some nice children, anyway! Maybe I myself am not ready to be with someone, which is why I choose the ones I know deep down will not be any good?

I still can't explain why I felt so strongly for him. It was bizarre, I lived and breathed for him - he was all of me and my entire world, which is prob why it felt like I died when he left iyswim.

Now my attractions are more like add ons - I am still me, if I never saw those people again - they are just nice to have around.
I am not certain if this indicates a loss of trust/ability to give myself, or just a once-burnt type response that means I am more sensible and healthy!

I do find that concentrating on the negatives can help...despite the all consuming love, there were things that didn't sit right - his alcoholism, for one, his ability to lie to all and sundry, and that odd fact that I knew I didn't want another baby with him
No idea why but those things give me hope that it was not meant to be for life, so the world has possibly not gone entirely mad by letting me lose him.

piratecat · 26/04/2008 10:21

allgone,

there's nothing to apologise!

Its hard on here to get the right tone, without thinking you have been patronising, as we reply based on fact and with the best intentions.

Everyone has different reasons, why they split etc...

no probs, thanks for your advice!!

dd's birthday 2morro, and the Power rangers plates/cups havent bloody arrived from america (my mate sent them). I can get them from toys r us, at highly inflated prices, but thats a 40 miles round trip.

arggggggggggggggggggggggg

piratecat · 26/04/2008 10:24

flight

I don't think there is essentially anything wrong with the fact we lived and breathed them.

I got married for this reason, he didn't make me more of a person in my own right, he was my soulmate, but he threw it all away, and continues now to almost re wrtie history.

I KNOW we had a great relationship, it is HIS fault he was so weak and childish, he background his choices.

I am so angry at him for no standing up to life,esp for the sake of dd.

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