How long will it take before I stop feeling like I have been knocked sideways by a bus???

[ChasingSquirrels]

H announced mid-march that he didn't love me any more, was only staying for the dc's and didn't think he could carry on.
Lots of discussions, tears etc but a refusal to try and make it work on his side, he started looking for somewhere to rent, and I probably pushed him to go sooner rather than later by saying if he wasn't prepared to try and make us work then he had to go. He moved out last Saturday.
I do appreciate that it is very early days, but WHEN am I going to stop reeling?????
He worked away alot, was late in the evenings etc so I am used to coping with the day to day care of the children, running of the house etc on my own. However I just feel like there is a massive hole in my life - which there is, we have been together for nearly 17 years, since we met at uni, all my adult memories include him etc.
I know it will just take time, I guess it just helps to get it out.

It is SO comforting to read these stories - women who have and are getting throught it.
I KNOW I will get through it - it just doesn't feel like it sometimes.
Tok ds1 to a PTA event last night and had a good time, told a few people that H has moved out.
Out in the garden atm, boys playing, me pottering.
H picking them up late afternoon.
Thanks for reading and posting.
x

I lived and breathed mine too, but it was a bad relationship in many respects, even though it was a good one in others. I don't think I'll ever love anyone like that again. But not because he was so fabulous, simply because I will never be so self-effacing again. He was more important than me, and really that's not healthy, so I won't do it again.
CS, well done for getting out with your children. Every day is one day closer to getting well again. Even though some days are awful, they all carry us forward and away from the pain you feel now.

Littlewoman - same here, it was like he mattered more than me and that was very bad for me.
I wondered if he reminded me of my Dad somehow. I've never met another bloke like him. But then, the ways in which he was nice were probably not all that genuine - he certainly gave with one hand and took with the other. I still struggle to understand it really.

I know if I did love someone again now, it would be different. I would not put them on such a pedestal. And that might be a good thing. (Or maybe I just lost him because I wasn't good enough, and am trying to justify that to myself...)

There are just so many things that don't make sense to me, and so much that does but makes me wish he had just talked to me more, so we could have worked at it.
TBH I still wish we could work at it (although I could not just let him come back right now - even if he wanted to - which he doesn't) but he isn't prepared to even consider it - given that, I wish that I never had to see him again and could just shut him completely out of my life - but I can't do that because of the children.
So I guess I just have to grieve him, what we had and what I expected to have in the future, and then try and move on.

Hi ChasingSquirrels. Just wanted to say Hi - I hope you are OK. I too am going through the same (although only married 8 yrs). No words of wisdom but we will survive. I am having counselling which is helpful (although I think I am using the counsellor as an agony aunt!). Big hugs. xx

Time will help but scars will be there forever. But you will survive stonger than before. xxx big hug !! xx

I'm another one that gets what you are going through. It is hell and I am sorry for you too.
All the feelings of coping one day or even one month then breaking down again seems to be normal. I analysed eveything,blamed him, blamed me, blamed life.
I was with ex for 13 yrs 2DS he didn't love me anymore and wanted out we split in July 07.He very quickly found someone else(its not fair). He Has loads of freedom ( 3 holidays in 5 star hotels with OW) and is planning to live with her.

I am having counselling ( onto my 2nd therapist as I didn't click with the first one).It helps to validate your feelings, establish who you are become stronger to live your life and not depend on someone else for fulfillment.

I still love ex even though we aren't right. My therapist compared our marriage to the addiction of gambling. They give you a few good moments to hook you in, it feels wonderful so you keep going back for more hoping for the next 'win' or great marriage moment, most of the time you are left with disappointment.

I also found it helpful to eventually email friends and let them know how I was feeling.Initially I didn't want to burden them and thought there is nothing they can do anyway.However just the fact that the emailed back with encouragement and sympathy really helped.

Mumsnet is here to help us all your low day is another persons strong time and vice versa.

To all extents and purposes, I did shut mine out of my life, CS. I didn't talk to him, I wouldn't speak on the phone with him. I tested, and he was allowed to textback. That was the only way I could handle it in the beginning. I still hate talking to him now.

I once read this:

"when a Rottweiler savages you, you don't look to the Rottweiler to make you better. You go to the doctor".

That's always stayed in my head. He can't help you now. You need professional help to make you better

I'm not saying you're a loon, I'm sure you understand. But counsellors are a godsend

lol at not saying I am a loon
I agree that he can't help me, which is really why I don't see the point of relate.
I feel that, because of the dc, I do have to see him - at the very least I have to hand them over, and I think it is best for them if that is as civil as it can be. And given they are only young we will have ongoing contact with each other, through them, for quite some years to come.
I have some very good friends, and family, and some new friends who don't knou us or the relationship onto whom I am offloading. All of which is good, because I get different responses from all.
I CAN see that there will be another, different, and equally fulfilling life later on, equally I know that it is going to take some considerable time to get there.
I do miss him as my friend though - someone who knows my life and history inside out, becuase he has been there alongside me sharing it.

ChasingSquirrels - I'm still reeling after over a year; my ex left without warning taking our DS (then aged 3 months), has divorced me without saying a word to me and has told me via her solicitor that she is moving across the country and taking our son with her to move in with someone (and I don't know who).

You'll have good and bad days, but on average things will slowly get easier. Best thing you can do is get on with the practical side of life because nothing but time will help.

15 months down the line and I still have very bad days; but that's at least in part because my ex is using our son as a weapon against me.

thanks ld - I can't imagine how much worse it must be to effectively lose your child(ren) aswell.
Thanks for posting and I hope that you can find some way to have time with your son.

Yes, in that respect I was lucky because my children were all old enough to walk to the garden gate when their dad pulled up in the car (youngest was 5 at the time). I didn't have to see him.

You will miss him. It's the hardest part of all of it. He will miss you too. Don't forget that. You've also left a hole in his life, however he tries to fill it ((()))

Wish I had some wise words for you CS, but not sure that I do, so I'll send a big hug instead.

sorry to be utterly pathetic, but littlewoman, do you realy think our ex's ever miss us, as I wish sometimes mine did. Somehow it would make me feel like there was point to the ten married yrs we had.

i miss him.

Blimey, I'm going to be contributing more to this thread when it's a more civilised hour! So much empathy for all of you, and I'm daunted too by how long it may take to move on from my split with XP of 11 years. I haven't been an adult without him in my life. I don't want to see him, as his buoyance and utter happiness and seeming lack of pain/loss/sadness hurt so much each time we meet to hand over DS. So I've taken Baffy's advice and am doing drop-offs through my parents for the time being, and texting/e-mailing to communicate when necessary. I think he thinks I'm being an over-reacting loon, but he has no idea how much I'm hurting. I need the distance to heal.

Sounds like a fair few of us could do with reading Women Who Love Too Much.

Heartening to know there are others out there who are struggling to move on as quickly as some might think we should, and also to know that some of you really have, finally, let it go and found greener grass, or at the very least, peace.

x

Yes, Piratecat, I do. You can't live with someone all that time and not make an impression on them. I know every time my xh goes to a quiz or does a crossword, he'll think to himself "Sue would have known the answer to that question". Every time he hears 'Summer Loving' he'll think of me, and our family holidays, and I'm sure you can think of lots of examples like that in your own relationship. I don't think you ever really completely detach from someone you once loved.

PS am working on the sequal 'Women Who Hate Too Much'. It's a less defeatist title, and has more murder scenes

I was married for 15 years and have known x for nearly 30 years and even though he was abusive, controlling and violent, having an affair and I chucked him out I was knocked out. I refused to go down the drug route not because I dont think they are helpful but because I wanted to feel bad and thought I should. After all it was a big relationship to lose.

I got a little obsessive so started wearing a rubber band and snapping it eery time I thought of him. That stopped me. I also read a lot of books and had counseling for a year from women's aid which helped.

I do think I was unhinged for a year though and it is only now that I am going out and getting my life back for the first two years I concentrated on the kids.

People are all different though but I know the court stuff didnt help and that tow years of that battle made healing an awful lot harder.

I think the way your x behaves also makes a vast difference to your own feelings of self worth and your ability to cope. Hopefully yours will behave well.

I agree that he will be missing me, not in all ways, all the time, but in some ways, some of the time.
He has been gone 3 weeks now, hand over of kids is reasonably civilised, dc2 has stopped howling when he goes with him, but ds1 was horrid then sobbed for an hour when they came back last week.

I don't know who I am either, I don't do much, have always been happy in our family life, don't need people that much - as I always had him.
So obviously have a big space now, and am lonely.

Am filling my time, friends and family (my parents who are nearby). In due course I will start to do more for me, although it is very early days yet,

The weekends are the hardest, as he wasn't around much in the week anyway.

Need to sort out finances now, and then really that is it - which just seems such a sad thing to think about half of my life.

Bit that isnt that cs.

You have kids and so whatever happens your best memories of your life together are packed into them and their love for you and yours for them reflects the meaningfulness of your relationship together.

Even though things are bad now in time they will get better but together you have both created a lifelong legacy which serves in a positive way whatever has happened.

Agree with 'not all ways, not all , but some ways some of the time'. Absolutely right.

GF, I might have written your post. But I did take ADs. I really couldn't handle what was going on at that point, and even on the drugs I was still unhinged (not sure they work actually??) But you are right. You MUST go through the pain. Some psychologist (excellent referencing!!) said that all neuroses stemmed from the avoidance of legitimate pain. This doesn't mean you deserved the pain, but that it is pain coming your way and is yours to bear. If you don't bear it and try to avoid it, you will end up mentally ill. I avoided alcohol for the same reason you avoided AD's, it would have been so easy to get hooked on it and then you have to stay hooked because the legitimate pain is still waiting for you every time you sober up. So you have to get drunk again to avoid it. Looooong, slippery slope to alcoholism.

oh god, I am missing him SO much atm.

Stay strong CS this too will pass. I know that sounds trite but it is true really it is. Stay focused on your kids. Take time for you as well, get a new hair cut buy some clothes or do something truly for you each week. GGG had a brilliant list we need it now. It also included dont beg or cry in front of him as I recall.

LW are you off them now?

I did take prozac with PND and I am not against using whatever helps. However for this I really wanted to have all my wits about me and my X had already made allegations that I was not in my right mind and I thought anything that looked as though I had got help for anything psychological might go against me when he went for residency.

It was the sleeplessness and the difficulty of trying to go to sleep that was hardest. I was still scared and it was very hard.

I also remember being cold all the time no matter what. Just shock I suppose.

thanks GF.
The not crying is really hard, not asking him to come back, or turning the tears on etc, just tears leaking out.
Have been getting better at not letting them out, although I cried on Sunday when he dropped the dc's back - our dog developed some mammary lumps late last year and suddenly seemed alot worse over the weekend, I think I need to ring the vet next week andthink about having her put down soon, so I had to tell him etc. Shit, am welling up typing this.
Thanks for posting.