Paying for one but not the other

[Orchidlie22]

My teenager has decided no longer to see his Dad. Younger child still sees his Dad (same dad). My ex has decided not to contribute to the child he no longer sees but continues to for the younger one.

He pays maintenance as obviously this is a legal requirement and I go through CMS as if he could get out of paying he would.

What are peoples views paying for a child you see and not paying for a child you don't? I'm talking pocket money, sports clubs, school trips etc, even holidays

If this is extras on top of maintenance then no he doesn’t need to pay. Tbh does he even want money from someone he doesn’t want to see? If he doesn’t want to see him why take money off him?

If he’s paying the CMS amount for both he’s doing what he has to. Anything over that is up to him and you can see why he wouldn’t volunteer pocket money or holiday spends for someone who won’t see him. How would you feel in his shoes? Why has the teen stopped wanting contact? “I don’t like you but I want your money” is unreasonable surely.

My ex pays nothing on top of maintenance even though it doesn't cover half the nursery!
Extras are only based on good will and he's clearly punishing the child who doesn't like him and probably will cut them out of his will too. The child probably doesn't want his money. You'll just need to make your maintenance and your own income stretch to ensure both kids have equal life/what they need.
He's not a good guy and is placing his ego above his own children but I'm sure you knew that already.

Thanks for your replies.
I get his Dad doesn't "need" to pay anything more than child maintenance but find I it difficult to see him spending lots of money on our other child including a v expensive holiday and nothing for our other son. Maybe I need to prepare myself for Xmas/birthday!
Our son doesn't want anything from him. But I just find it such childish behaviour from his Dad and it's like he's punishing him. And it's pushing him further away.
He doesn't want to see him anymore as he's toxic in many many ways!

Agree with this OP.

Why did he stop seeing in the first place though? It’s surely relevant. If it was because his dad said something awful, hurt his feelings and refused to apologise then fair enough. If he wanted his dad to buy him something and when told no he had a strop and refused further contact it’s not and would explain his dad’s actions.

Why shouldn’t he pay for a nice holiday for the child who sees him? That’s time they’re spending together. Would you or your son really expect him to shell out the same amount of money for nothing?

My son has not had a strop!

I just don't see how you can treat your children different regardless if you dint see one of them!

He's still a child and sees it as his Dad is punishing him. But this reinforces why he doesn't want to see him!

Well he can’t spend money on expensive holidays with him because he doesn’t want to see his father!

Isn’t he punishing his father also by refusing to see him? What is the reason for this makes it hard to advise with no context

Is it a school trip or a holiday he's taking child on? If it's the later hes not unreasonable

Being a parent isn't transactional.
What low expectations some people have of fathers.
Surely paying would improve the relationship, prove that the df loves his dc regardless.

Considering the df's reaction I would say it's obvious why the teen doesn't want to see his df.

But his Dad can't treat him the same and respect his wishes? He could spend the ££ on a holiday place but surely teen wouldn't come 😵‍💫

Well it is a bit spiteful of your DH. But on the other hand if your son wants nothing to do with his Dad why should he expect extras to be paid for.

My son isn't expecting him to pay extras. I guess it's my expectations of a father. I know as a mother I would financially support my child and I'm not just talking about maintenance as that is for food, clothing and shelter, the basics. As parents we've both contributed half for school trips, music lessons, sports clubs, sports equipment. But now he's not seeing him he won't help out anymore.

What I don't understand how as a parent you can just cut your child off like that.

I agree with you OP. His Dad is an adult and should treat both children fairly, okay if your son doesn’t come on holiday with him that’s up to him but then don’t just give him the monetary equivalent but the other things like sport and music lessons he should keep up with.

Your ex is just showing what a shitty person he is, helping to confirm that older DC's judgement was correct.

Good parents do not tie their financial support of their children to either love or performative acting-affectionate.

You sadly cannot force your ex to be a good parent.

I feel disappointed for my son that his Dad has acted in this way.

This included stopping his phone contract without any communication. Who does that to a child? What is it teaching them?

I'm dreading Xmas and birthdays.

This! I’m shocked at how shit some of these replies are. The guy sounds awful and I can only imagine what’s caused your son to not want to see him.

I always invite my daughter (14) out, ask to watch films, bake together etc, she says no to all of them but will ask me for a tenner to go out with her mates…and I’ll give her the tenner because I’m the PARENT and an ADULT.

Sorry OP, this is a shit situation. I’d really focus on being there for your son emotionally, he needs to know “some people just aren’t very nice and it’s nothing to do with you”.

Well, I’d say this shows that your older one has the measure of his father! Perhaps a good idea for you to sit down and talk with him about Christmas etc ahead of time - the likelihood is not only will he not get anything, the other may be overly spoiled, and it may help to prepare him to expect that.

Tough situation. Shit response from your ex.

@Bakingandcrying

Thank you for your kind words.

Honestly I've been surprised at how people view this situation.

I'm the same as you, if my son doesn't want to spend the day with me but would like money to go off with his friends instead, there is no way would I withhold money or taxi services from him as he didn't want to be with me. That's totally childish behaviour.

I'm trying my best in a tricky situation. If anything this is building on an already strong close relationship we have together which is lovely.

What are you expecting re holidays? If the DC doesn't want to see him, he's not going to go on holiday with him?

If you think he should be given the monetary equivalent - I disagree.

He doesn't want to see him so I can't see why he would go on an expensive holiday with him.
If it was me I would be paying for the 2nd child too in the hope they would come back to me.
But it seems your son has worked out who his dad really is - a plonker by the sounds of things so he has quite rightly cut contact.

I posted a separated parents issue a while ago and was gutted at the replies. It’s depressing how low the bar is for these dads. Imagine if mums behaved like this, we’d be screwed.

Your son is lucky to have you, thank god he has one decent parent. It’s unfair that we have to clear up the emotional mess but we do it for them, not the shit pile dads