Paying for one but not the other

[Orchidlie22]

My teenager has decided no longer to see his Dad. Younger child still sees his Dad (same dad). My ex has decided not to contribute to the child he no longer sees but continues to for the younger one.

He pays maintenance as obviously this is a legal requirement and I go through CMS as if he could get out of paying he would.

What are peoples views paying for a child you see and not paying for a child you don't? I'm talking pocket money, sports clubs, school trips etc, even holidays

Your ex is an absolute cretin. A loving father should want to support his children. They are his blood, not fucking pay per view TV. He should also take the high road and continue loving and supporting them through difficult times in their relationship.

Your ex is treating your DC as an equal and an adult. That just isn’t the case. Shame on him and all the PP who support his actions.

Holidays are tricky as you're right, no he doesn't want to go and if anything relieved he never has to go again. But it's the inequalities on the brothers that I find difficult. He's spending £1000s on one child and has stopped contributing anything towards another.

I agree, I'd not have stopped any normal contributions in the hope my child would come back to me. I see this as more damage to an already damaged relationship

@Bakingandcrying thank you.

You're right sad how some people have such low expectations of a father. And I should be grateful for the maintenance he's paid, the same maintenance he's tried so hard over the years to get reduced or not pay at all.

He has another family who all get treated very differently which my son has found very hard to watch over the years.

I find I try and over compensate for such a disappointing father and my family have stepped in to help pay for school trips and extras which we both appreciate more than anything. But I know ultimately all my son needs from me is my time and my love and support.

How long has it been since he has not seen him!

*?

How old is your son @op ?

Because most parents would want to fight for the relationship but just go"fine, life's cheaper now, awesome"

He won't pay for his other child out of spite. What a great Dad. Wonder why the kid doesn't want to see him.

Agree with this and am surprised / sadly not surprised by some of the people on here who favour the Dad acting like a dick to spite his son.

She hadn’t said why he’s stopped seeing his dad. The other son seems happy to continue contact.

@AnneLovesGilbert what does it matter? What justification is there for a parent to withdraw support for his child in any circumstances?

My son is 14 and it's been 8 months since he decided he no longer wanted to see him. I think he's been v brave as his Dad is a bully and he's scared of him.

Our other son has to see him as he's younger and we have a court order.

He didn't even ask him if he wanted to go on the holiday this summer. I couldn't understand why you'd not even ask your child?

I hate to see the low bar people set for dads on here - the “my ex pays nothing over maintenance so why should anyone else expect better” is just so depressing.

If a child falls out with the resident parent and stops speaking to them, you can’t stop putting a roof over their head or providing food or giving them bus fare to school. You continue to be a parent, and try to fix the relationship. OP, your ex is using money to either control his kid back into contact with him, or punish them for not wanting contact, rather than dealing with the reason they don’t want contact. I don’t think you can do anything but it’s shitty behaviour. How does your older child feel about it - is he aware about the financial stuff?

This happened with my kids and as the younger ones don’t flaunt their gifts, it works fine. It hasn’t changed oldest’s view on the situation and he was no regrets.

@SonicTheHodgeheg this is interesting to hear

@elizzza my youngest feels awkward as he's aware his dad never asked his brother on holiday. But anything he buys him isn't allowed home so I guess my eldest can't see things but obviously hears it. He's going to town spoiling him, more than ever before and my eldest has figured out for himself the game he's playing! Just more damage!

Your ex is probably like mine and thinks that dc should apologise and beg to be included. Mine went no contact 7 years ago and I think that my ex thought that dc1 would see him again but he’s stuck to nc.
My oldest wouldn’t have want to be asked because he sees NC as NC and asking if he wanted to come on holiday as dad not respecting boundaries and taking NC seriously.

Tbh i can see both sides here. I think its pretty cheeky for a teenager to expect a parent to pay their phone contract even if the teen is treating them like shit? Because actually from what you've said his dads been decent, not just paid CMS but also contributed to trips, activities and paid stuff like phone.
Its only the same as if your teen who lived with you, decided they were in a strop and weren't speaking to you, you might decide that actually no you weren't going to pay for their phone contract?! This isn't a young child, its one thing him deciding not to see a parent if they are abusive, but you don't mention abuse.
Relationships might not be 'transactional' but they are absolutely based on treating each other well - and that includes spending time together when it comes to parent/child.
Really to judge in this case id want to know why he's decided not to see his dad.

Sounds like a right pig. Tell him he'll drive an even further wedge in that non existent relationship if he continues to behave like this. You're right he's behaving like a kid.

I hear you OP, unfortunately some parents absolutely see it as transactional because of lack of emotional intelligence, low empathy & often part of a powerplay. Often quite immature, controlling adults who struggle with their fragile ego/ self awareness. They are adults not below playing one child off another etc, I would try and manage expectations re presents etc, don't dread it try and talk openly while not overly criticising 💐

Okay have just read you said his dad is a bully. To me this really depends, we've only heard one side.
Ive heard some people call dads a bully because they are basically stricter and have higher expectations.
In other scenarios someone called a bully is borderline abusive.
Over an online forum we can't possibly know

@SonicTheHodgeheg I feel his Das is beginning to dislike him as he's not able to control him anymore.

My son asked for space but he's not respected that and sends him long messages saying how much he misses him

Tricky. How old are both kids? I would draw the line at holidays I certainly would not allow 1 child to be taken away and the other left at home. At the same time the child who has cut contact has to understand this is all apart of it.

@Thatmissingsock I'm not willing to give details however my son says he's a bully and from his examples he's told me he has a valid point.

Since he's no longer seen his Dad he's thrived in and out of school. Says he feels relieved. He doesn't expect for his Dad to pay his phone bill, just some respect to communicate that he no longer is as one day it no longer worked and he was a bit puzzled!

Jesus. Some of the posters on here have such low expectations of men and fathers. Utterly depressing.

The ones blaming the son for the shit actions and failings of his father though… 🤯