Paying for one but not the other

[Orchidlie22]

My teenager has decided no longer to see his Dad. Younger child still sees his Dad (same dad). My ex has decided not to contribute to the child he no longer sees but continues to for the younger one.

He pays maintenance as obviously this is a legal requirement and I go through CMS as if he could get out of paying he would.

What are peoples views paying for a child you see and not paying for a child you don't? I'm talking pocket money, sports clubs, school trips etc, even holidays

Isn't it sad I'm not even shocked by this behaviour and the justification on here

Children treat as they are treated they match energy a lot of the time seen it with my son the less energy my ex put in the less he got back he can say cat it alienating me from my children but how wanted would you feel if mum sends a message saying ds is in hospital he wants you can you come? And the reply is we are out/busy we will see what we can do later and then silence? No follow up for 18 hours? (Possibly more actually) he then said how is he? Then nothing for a week compared that to his sister who caught three trains and a bus to get here just to end up babysitting her baby brother as I had to get him back in essentially he could see who was there for him and who wasn't

Agree with this. Cutting ties, means cutting ties, not taking the bits you like and discarding the rest.

My ex is similar and it’s been 7 years since dc1 went to weekend contact.Strangely he doesn’t block or mute dad as presumably his feelings about him are complicated but he gets into a flap when the messages arrive every few months. He sees it as emotional blackmail

Earlier this year ex randomly decided to sit outside dc1’s workplace and wait for him to finish work. (He found his workplace on LinkedIn which ds has the job hunting)

The first year ds was worried about his dad sending gifts for his birthday and Christmas and was massively relieved when nothing was sent. If dad had sent a gift then he would have felt shit for not sending one too and this way he didn’t have the feeling that he owed dad something.

Knowing my ex he would have given dc1 a hard time if he’d gone back. Dc3 is our only child who is in contact with ex and he sometimes mentions how his dad has mentioned dc1.

It's clear why your ex is your ex and good on your son in 'divorcing' him as well. If his life is happier now then don't worry so much about the money. Presumably your son is a peace about it so you need to be as well.

Is it mainly you that worries about the inequality and the lack of gifts etc? Don't be. You and your son are better off without him and hopefully your younger son will feel the same one day.

He's using the money as a form of control. Ex-husband did the same to our daughter, his only child. She wouldn't back up his plan to use refusal to pay her school fees as leverage to get rid of the spousal maintenance he paid me.

She would have had to repeat both years of A levels at another school. He hasn't seen her since and didn't support her at all through university.

Transactional is the term I would use ie obey me or I won't support you financially or give gifts. Your son is better off out of it. Gifts with strings attached is not loving behaviour.

I wonder how this will make the younger child feel when he realises that his dad is effectively buying his affection. I don’t think the relationship will last long once he realises. Estranged dad could find himself with no relationship with either child inthe future.

@viques I feel this will happen.

@UrbanFan yes I worry it'll come between my children

If it helps a little OP, I wish I’d seen the truth of who my dad was at 14. I went NC at 30, I should have done so years earlier. So the pain now might be lesser than pain over years.

Feel sorry for you with some of the replies you've had OP. My father was exactly the same. It's monetary contributions and affection on his terms or nothing at all. Textbook narcissist. People with normal dads can't understand.

Your DH is shortsighted, and is acting like a child. Not very bright, presumably.

He’s a real piece of shit isn’t he. Not content with being a dick father who drove his son away in the first place, he’s now rubbing his face in it by spoiling your other son. What a nasty, abusive piece of shit.

If my child said they didn’t want to spend an afternoon with me and they would rather see their friends, that is fine and yes I might give them some money. But if they never wanted to see me I’m not sure how much I would be happy to pay for extras (maintenance for basic should of course continue).

I find myself 50:50 on this. If you go NC with someone (and that's what the boy has done, just as adults are praised for doing on Mumsnet) then the person you cut off is under no obligation to be giving you treats. In fact if a parent continued to be sending money when their adult child has gone NC, it would be seen as an unwanted and aggressive move.
Just as the fathers messages are seen as unwanted and unpleasant when the son asked for space.

He shouldn't have to pay for extras if older son wants nothing to do with him.

But presumably your other son is welcome on this very expensive holiday, he’s just chosen not to go?
Why would he be given the cash equivalent?

@KerryBlues no he was never asked and no I'm not asking for cash equivalent just for my ex not to pull everything he has always contributed towards.

Wow so interesting people think it’s ok not to pay for nice things for eldest because he’s not seeing him. @Orchidlie22 im totally with you. It will reinforce whatever the issue is between them and make your DS feel worse, even if he didn’t say so. Who would choose to disregard their child above CMS… so sad. This wil become awkward and sad for your younger child soon.

Hope you can be the emotional bufffer for him. Sorry for you both.