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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

One set of rules for me and one for him.

18 replies

mypandasgotcrabs · 13/04/2008 15:36

It would seem I'm 'not allowed' friends at all, yet xp can have his new gf sleeping at his when the boys are there! What a complete tosser!

OP posts:

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mankymummy · 13/04/2008 15:39

how does he stop you having friends? Tell him to p*ss off ! or tell him you have a new rich, gorgeous boyfriend just to annoy him!

Original poster

mypandasgotcrabs · 13/04/2008 15:57

Oh don't worry, I don't listen to him, AFAIC it's got eff all to do with him who my friends are, but he actually said to me a few weeks ago "you are not to have male friends round" This was because when I was ill a couple of months ago one of my friends popped in on his way to work to see how I was. He was here for 1/2 an hour one saturday lunchtime. But today, got the boys back & find out that he's got a new 'friend'. ds1 told me thta she was with them all weekend, and slept at xp's too. xp lives in a studio flat, so not even different bedrooms.

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fransmom · 13/04/2008 16:07

i have the same situation as you - he has told me i am not alowed "friends" and has called me all the names under the sun like slut etc. he has also accused me of having an affair with a married man with two kids (i am NOT) while he had affair with his xw and one while they were newlyweds!!! and has been out wilt two gfs in the nearly 8 months since we split (my choice)

basically it is none of his business who you see - he doesn't have control over you. though maybe you can suggest to him that having his gf round to sleep is not an ideal situation for your boys and you can mention this to sol if you wish, i did.

Original poster

mypandasgotcrabs · 13/04/2008 16:22

Have had similar fransmom. Been called lots of names, if you heard him, you'd think I have several different blokes round here each week. In fact It's been the opposite. If I have gone on a date, I've gone back to the guys house. I'm kind of seeing someone atm, and he's only stayed over when the boys have been with their dad, or if he's come round in the evening it's been after the boys are in bed. And there's no way I'm going to introduce him to the boys until I'm certain that it will be going somewhere long term.

I know I need to bring it up that it's really not suitable him having her over when the boys are staying, I just really don't want the abuse that I know I'll get off of him. Even going through the solicitor will mean he'll give me a mountful & start behaving like a nob again.

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davidtennantsmistress · 13/04/2008 17:54

don't worry I had this as well on friday, apparently i'm meant to live my life as a nun and he's allowed to swan about doing as he pleases .

i'm not even allowed to have my chap over in the evening once DS is in bed (he stays there all night btw) man comes about 8 and leaves about 10, but apparently I can't have that, so have to tell XH that DS is at mums. i'm not introducing DS to man, he's not seen/heard him yet XH is allowed to swan about and see other people . I wouldn't mind his moaning so much if man actually stayed here but he never has and never will all the time DS is here.

Original poster

mypandasgotcrabs · 13/04/2008 19:32

I don't understand how their minds work. Men eh! Do they think that because we're the resident parent we're not allowed to have our own lives & to meet someone else?

I've just found out as well that they all went out for dinner yesterday afternoon. I guess I should be pleased that at least the boys will have eaten a proper meal for a change, but he's playing happy families with some bird and he strops if I even have friends of the opposite sex.

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littlewoman · 13/04/2008 23:43

My xh got very shirty when I got a boyfriend. Three years after we split up. Lol. Can't be arsed with the pillock - epecially as he let the OW stay in his bed (in a bedsit, mind you) the very first night the dc's stayed with him after we split. Now there's class for you.
But no, this behaviour is not for me, for I am no ordinary mother. I am apparently THE VIRGIN MOTHER, and am not to be touched by humankind They still think of you as their property. Ain't it great that it pisses them off? lol.

Sixer · 13/04/2008 23:49

I don't think they (the men) think of you as their property. Probably more worried about twats, bad folk entering their DC lives. Agree that you need to move on, just understanding the need for a father to protect might be an issue. This is when you both need to get on, swallow that hugh lump, then prove who you have fallen for, is actually trustworthy.

littlewoman · 14/04/2008 00:02

Oh, no. My xh really was jealous. Even though he got kicked out for having an affair. Lots of unresolved crap going on, but this doesn't apply to everyone obviously.
I am perfectly capable of making sure that the man in my life is good for my children. Infact, like most other posters here, I keep my love life and my home life quite separate. I've never once had a man to stay over in four years.

There is this little voice in the back of my head that always pipes up 'if you were so concerened about who would father your children, why didn't you stick around and do the job yourself'. Like i said, so much unresolved crap. Keep seeing the counsellor, Littlewoman....

Original poster

mypandasgotcrabs · 14/04/2008 10:16

I really don't think it is a case of protecting their children from strangers (certainly not in my case anyway, and seems with most others who have posted here). If he was that concerned he wouldn't have a woman that the boys have never met sleeping in the same room as them at the weekend.

I could understand it a little if 'protection' was the reason behind it, but when I'm not even 'allowed' to have a friend round for a coffee (not a 'coffee' ), yet he can have a 'friend' staying over that's not right.

As I've said I don't do as he tells me, but when I'm doing everything in my power to protect the boys, yet he is doing exactly what he is accusing me of doing, that isn't on.

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madamez · 14/04/2008 10:18

THing is though, if you think he's unreasonable for telling you you may not have friends or a sex life, complaining about him having a sex life is not the way to start.

Original poster

mypandasgotcrabs · 14/04/2008 10:28

This is why I haven't said anything to him, and am complaining on here .

The thing is I know that if/when I approach him about it, no matter how unconfrontational I am about it, saying I think it's unfair that he seems to think there's different sets of rules for each of us, he'll kick off.

I was actually going to talk about it to him when I do decide to introduce a new man to the boys, thought that would be the best way of dealing with it, that way he can't kick off when ds1 tells him about Mummys 'friend'.

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FeelingOld · 14/04/2008 12:43

My ex-h had an affair with my best friend and he left me and the kids for her. 6 months later I met someone and he stayed over only at weekends when kids with ex-h and like others he did not meet my kids, kept it all separate. My ex-h then had the cheek to divorce me on grounds of adultery although he had an affair, left me for her they split 3 months later and he saw 3 or 4 women in that time.
Men are definately a law unto themselves.

Original poster

mypandasgotcrabs · 14/04/2008 20:22

He's a fucking cntu! Just had to go to his to get ds2's coat. I asked him why I'm 'not allowed' to have male friends round, yet he has his gf to stay all weekend. He was all like 'she's not my gf', and 'I'm not getting into this'. When he bawled me out about my friend coming round he said 'single men don't have female friends', but now he's saying that he has a female friend of his own that he's not sleeping with , double standards again! If he wants to 'talk' about something, I can't say that I don't want to get into it. And if I do, then he just calls me names (slag, whore...), accuses me of all sorts (having sex with my friend in front of the boys is one of those accusations), and of course if I just ignore him it's because everything he's saying is true & I can't argue it. All he did say was that he 'did to to get back at me'. What for having friends? WTF! As far as I see it, if she's not his gf & he is doing it to get back at me, then he's using the boys as pawns in some kind of revenge at me, and I wonder if she knows he's just using her to get back at his slag of an ex?! He doesn't understand that it's not that he has a gf that bothers me it's the double standards. On everything; no male friends/have girl to stay; 'single men don't have female friends'/but he does; he can choose which discussions to have/I get called names if I do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

mypandasgotcrabs · 14/04/2008 20:23

and I was as pleasant and unconfrontational as I could possibly be when I brought the subject up.

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madamez · 14/04/2008 22:19

OK, sounds like your XP is a nasty woman-hating bully anyway, so just do what you want to do and if he says anything tell him, with a smile, it's not his business and walk away.

davidtennantsmistress · 14/04/2008 22:24

OMG your X sounds exactly like mine on your behalf.

just don't tell him - if said friend comes over once your DC's are in bed & none the wiser what business of x's is it what friends you have over of a night. (says she who tells her X their child is in the house when her man comes over for 2 hours a week and DS is here! lol). i'm assuming he wouldn't mind you having a girl friend over with a bottle of wine for the evening?

littlewoman · 15/04/2008 02:03

Go and have a shag on his doorstep, then when he calls you rude names grin broadly and say 'I know'.

Okay, I know you won't do it, but it can be funny to think about it. Please don't let him stress you out too much. It's plain that there are a lot of 'unresolved issues' going on here. In your circumstances, I would keep my business to myself and let him keep his. It will all cool down eventually. Have you only just recently split up?

Let's face it, you're never going to be right in this guys eyes at the moment, so save your breath to cool your porrige

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