Can I say shes not ready for overnight stays?

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My ex p has just threatened to withhold any maintenance payments unless his requests for reasonable access are granted - I offered saturdays on an alternate basis and one afternoon /evening per week - because of work commitments he wont do the during the week thing ( sounds too much like actually being a parent - you know homework etc etc.) so he says he wants to have her overnight every alt sat 10am - 10am sunday. Thing is we split up begining of march so everything is still very raw - dd not sleeping in her bed and wont go to sleep unless Im in bed with her - shes fighting boys at school (teachers think shes taking her anger out ) nad everytime she sees him she has a night terror which he never could cope with. I think its far too soon for him to have her overnight - Ive asked her if she would like to stay with daddy and she says no (7 yrold) although Im not too sure how much of that is she is saying what I want to hear IYKIM. All advice welcome please - although will say as he did f*** all with her in the 7 yrs we were together I hate the fact that I have to let him see her at all because he takes her bowling swimming cinema etc - spends money on her like its going out of fashion and was allways tighter than a ducks backside! I cant afford treats at all - am in the process of applying for beneifts - the mortgage costs 3 x my monthly salary leet alone all the other expenses - he earns about £6000 per month

Talie - My dd saw a child psychologist/health visitor type person ages ago when her NT first appeared (not related to the breakup) and she said there was abosolutely nothing I could do apart from what I was doing its weird that your kids have gone through the same as mine is now and Im appalled that ex p can think after 2 alt sat day visits she will be ready for overnight stays - again he is adamant that I get no money unless she stays - so I feel like Im beingbacked into a corner and may have to make her stay with her dad overnight before she is ready just for the sake of keeping a roof over our heads literally. I get really upset when I think about this as I really dont want to force her into it and of course exp could never deal with a NT so god knows what would happen to her plus I might be creating problems for her later on.

Jeez some posters (naming no names) are cruel on this thread. Thank goodness there are also some very decent sorts providing excellently reasonable sounding advice and support (Gillybean to name but one - you're fab)

Just wanted to add my support to you and to let me know I think it sounds to me you are pretty much already doing what sounds like the right thing by your dd. No decent parent would just suddenly send their child off to stay in an unfamiliar home with a parent who hasn't really had much involvement so far in her little life. How's he going to know how she likes her boiled eggs done, head stroking at bed time, pig tails tied, pyjamas tucked in, lights left on, door ajar to 12.8794 inches, guess what colour the screen will turn when Cbeebies goes to bed, do the actions to Amarillo etc, etc. That has taken you the years your dd is to learn.

Here is a father who has not abandoned his family and refuses to have anything to do with his child. So that is a good start. Now he has to get to know this little person too. You are planning to help build this new relationship between your dd and you know that this will take time, sensitivity and patience which it sounds like you have. You do not deserve critisism for your caution especially as emotions all round are very high and any upset magnified. I think you are doing the right thing. By tiny steps by steps you can help them both adjust to this difficult situation, therefore greatly benefitting you all now and in you future.

I could say it doesn't sound like your exh deserves all this patience and understanding and needs a good kick up the arse but I won't!! By slowly helping him to become a better father (better late than never) the happier you'll all be.

IMO

I was wondering if the amount he pays you is equal to or above the CSA rate which is 15% of his take home. If it is below or equal to, you could use the CSA to ensure that you receive child maintenance. If you have a mortgage to pay, could you contact the mortgage company and explain that you are having difficulty with the payments being met and whether you could get a payment holiday or a discount.

If he does start to mess you around financially, tell everybody you know. Don't let this become a secret, he is behaving unacceptably towards you and your child and people should know the truth.

just went back to the begiinning of this thread and noticed you said you were in the process of claiming benefits. If you are claiming Income support, the CSA is automatically involved unless you have 'good cause'. Which basically amounts to if you fear violence from your ex because of the CSA' involvement.

Also, is his name on the mortgage? Does he have a responsibility to pay his share of it?? You will not receive any help from the government with the mortgage for 39 weeks, just shy of 10 months, and then they only help with the interest charged.

thanks rosamum we are coming to an agreement after a long and sometimes heated discussion -he is now offering to pay mtge for 12 months then I have to sell it plus the 15% of his net income - after 12 months he says he wants to sell the house and I have to fend for myself he will pay the minimum he has to. Thisng is no where round where I live is affordable on my share of the equity and Im hacked off that my dd wont get into the school we planned on her going to because of his selfishness but for now it seems Im ok financially - as for the access - I explained my reasons why - and after a lot of arguing from him and my explaining that I only have her best interests at heart and once she is settled he can have her overnight he seems to be a little bit more reasonable - all I can do is wait and see.

Glad to hear you have made some progress. Stick to your beliefs, you do know what is best for your dd whatever anybody else tells you.