4 months in and now father wants contact...advice please

[2boysandmee]

Just as the title says really, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy 4 months ago, his father has seen him once for less than an hour and told me there was no point him being on the birth certificate. Has never asked to come visit, never asked for photos or even asked if his son was ok!

Mid April I applied for child maintenance through CMS as he was being unreasonable with the amount he was paying

The beginning of June he asked if he could be added to the birth certificate which I declined as he has no involvement

This week he has now emailed me a very formal email proposing arrangements to be involved in my sons life. He is wanting 2 days access including over night stays and his name on the birth certificate!

The email is very patronising and he has said that he has "given me time as a mother to a new born to bond with my son" My son he has zero bond with and is a complete stranger too!

Of course I would love my son to have a father figure in his life but why has it taken this man 4 months to decide this? I have never stopped him from seeing his son, he simply hasn't made any efforts himself to see him.

I can't help but think that the CMS payment may possibly have something to do with it. AIBU to think that?

I just wanted to see what other peoples views are on this because my head is all over with it all right now. Thank you if you made it this far! x

Bump

I'm no expert and hoping someone with more experience will come along and help. Didn't want to read and run.

However I'm also feeling suspicious about the 4 month turnaround on this. Also, I don't think it's advisable to let him have overnight stays for at least the first year. Even if you aren't breastfeeding, you can say that you are if this goes to court. A baby shouldn't be away from their mother that young in my opinion.

Sorry that he's causing you confusion. Hope all turns out well.

Sorry OP no clue here but here for support. Honestly not what you need.

@Acornsoup @ExpectantEs thank you for the support. I'm meeting with him to discuss things further at the weekend

Imo have someone with you. Then you can't be bullied into something you aren't comfortable with. Under a year old a court won't order overnights.

@Beautifulbythebay thank you, I don't have anyone I could take unfortunately but I certainly won't be bullied into anything I don't feel is right for my son
I didn't know that about court and overnights under one so thank you for that information it's really helpful

I wouldn't meet him or discuss further. If he's so bothered about the contact or birth certificate then he can make an application to court can't he? The patronising tone of that email will set the scene of what you can expect to deal with in the future. Who the fuck does he think he is?

The more contact he has the less CMS he has to pay. Seems like quite a clear link here to me

He would have to have dc overnight to reduce cms. That's a long way off. Offer up initial hour visits a few times a week. Honestly op will he bother?? A court would advise little and often is best for building up a relationship with his dc... Not taking dc away from you is an acceptable insistence
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This is exactly it. I would reply (in writing so you have a paper trail) to explain that you are open to short, supervised visits little and often for him to build a bond but as a responsible parent you cannot leave your baby with someone who has opted to be a complete stranger. Stand firm on any push back. If he wants more than that he can take you to court but would need to go through mediation first.

And of course do not change the birth certificate. Many men use these responsibilities to control women. If he wants to change that he can apply to the court.

This. Don’t meet him, make sure you have everything in writing.

The formal tone of his email could mean that he’s had legal advice so tread very carefully.

Don’t discuss child maintenance, leave it it up to CMS. If he’s a decent dad he will pay more than the legal minimum anyway .

My guess is that he is trying to scare you into stopping claiming maintenance and he doesn’t want his child overnight.

This is exactly it.

Under no circumstances agree to changing your baby’s surname from yours to his. Even if he goes to court and gets his name put on the Bc as father, the court will not order this.

I can’t emphasise this enough, it’s a common tactic from deadbeat dads.

CMS is less when you have them for various levels overnight.

If you feel uncomfortable having him at your home suggest meeting at a coffee shop or soft play. In public is a reasonable suggestion.. Keep a diary of times he turns up /doesn't. Detail a time line to record his level of commitment for future reference..

If you are breastfeeding ( or say you are) then all he can have is a few hours with baby. No way could he have overnights! I think legally he will not get any overnights until he is about 1 ye old. Do not put him on birth certificate and when it's his time for access for a few hours, do let let him come to your home! Meet somewhere and he can take baby for walk etc. if you let him have access at your house , he will have control of what you are doing and have access to talking to you. Make his access about him caring for baby.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I won't be agreeing to his name on the birth certificate that's for certain and at no point will I be changing his surname either.
In regards to CMS this isn't up for discussion when I meet him. I am going to speak to him about what his expectations are and set out clearly what mine are too.
If he is genuinely wanting to be a part of my son's life then I'm willing to be amicable and hopefully put things in place so he can very slowly bond with him.
My main concern was the overnight stays but it seems even if he did go to court it's highly unlikely they would be granted at such a young age anyway which makes me feel much less anxious about the situation!

He won’t get overnight stays at this stage but it sounds like he’s done a 360 after being asked to pay CM thinking he can get overnights and reduce what he pays .
Definitely don’t add him to the birth certificate.

I really wouldn't meet him. Remind yourself that he abandoned his newborn. I'd want court involved and Cafcass. No way would I be dealing with this arsehole directly. My ex husband repeatedly abandoned our son. Repeatedly dragged me through court only to abandon again. Then finally decided he didn't want a relationship with him after all. This is what you're setting yourself up for. He's annoyed about CMS and trying to find ways to reduce it. If he's serious about seeing his child he will make an application and jump the necessary hoops. This is likely to include a parenting course. If he does all that then great. Leave him to it.

Also, he is no "father figure". He has abandoned his own child! I'd not want him anywhere near personally. These men do so much damage. Take it from me. My child has had to have a lot of therapy.

@TheFormidableMrsC I really do understand what you are saying and to some extent agree. The only reason I am giving him a chance is that he does have other children who he sees regularly so I would hope that once a bond has been formed with my son (if he sticks to seeing him from the outset) then he will be commited.
You probably think I am stupid but surely giving him one chance only rather than out right denying him access is worth it for my son?
Honestly my head and heart are torn, I'm going to go meet him and just have a conversation at this stage as to me that feels like the right thing to do

@TheFormidableMrsC you was correct I should have never of gone!! It was awful!

He expects me to just hand over my son for 2 days and nights! Apparently he has sought legal advice already, not really sure why it's come to this as I have never denied him access or been unreasonable what so ever!

Is there anything I need to do? I'm guessing we will have to go to mediation before anything else can happen?

I'm sorry it's gone wrong. I understand why you wanted to but this was never going to work. I've got the scars! If he's sought legal advice then he will know that he can make a C100 application. So let him do that. You can try mediation but given his behaviour and absolute inability to see what's wrong here, I'm not sure that would work. Also if he's been controlling or abusive it's not advised at all. Again, IF he's taken legal advice, and that's a big if, then he will know that no court is going to order you to hand over a newborn for two nights a week. Not happening. My advice is to leave him to it and let him go down the legal route. Then he can explain to Cafcass why he abandoned his own child.

Try not to panic. He's just bullying you and making empty threats at this stage, in the hope you will instantly crumble and he can call all the shots. Breathe. You don't need to do anything today, or this weekend, or next week. You can take your time to mull things over. He's waited for 4 months, he can wait a bit longer.

I think it's probably advisable to make sure that all communication with him is in writing from now on, because you may well rely on that evidence in the future.

Can you afford some initial legal advice? Just to give you an outline of what to expect, your responsibilities and his, what a court will expect you to offer in terms of contact etc.

In your shoes, if you really do think it's in your child's interests to see this man, I would decide what I was prepared to offer (hopefully having had some basic legal advice) and would set this out in writing to him in an email and via post recorded delivery. Then it's up to him to either accept or take it to court.

If you can ascertain via legal advice that it won't harm your position if there is a court case down the line, I'd actually be tempted to just do nothing right now and wait for him to take it to court. He may well not bother.