4 months in and now father wants contact...advice please

[2boysandmee]

Just as the title says really, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy 4 months ago, his father has seen him once for less than an hour and told me there was no point him being on the birth certificate. Has never asked to come visit, never asked for photos or even asked if his son was ok!

Mid April I applied for child maintenance through CMS as he was being unreasonable with the amount he was paying

The beginning of June he asked if he could be added to the birth certificate which I declined as he has no involvement

This week he has now emailed me a very formal email proposing arrangements to be involved in my sons life. He is wanting 2 days access including over night stays and his name on the birth certificate!

The email is very patronising and he has said that he has "given me time as a mother to a new born to bond with my son" My son he has zero bond with and is a complete stranger too!

Of course I would love my son to have a father figure in his life but why has it taken this man 4 months to decide this? I have never stopped him from seeing his son, he simply hasn't made any efforts himself to see him.

I can't help but think that the CMS payment may possibly have something to do with it. AIBU to think that?

I just wanted to see what other peoples views are on this because my head is all over with it all right now. Thank you if you made it this far! x

The thing is his proposal isn't in the best interest of a 4 month old. He just sees it as his right to see his son. So he's coming from a place of only caring about himself.
Unlike yourself who's coming from a place of "what's in the best interests of my child".
That will shine through in court, that's if he doesn't loose interest before hand and just not bother, cos he carn't get his own way.

I certainly didn't mean to give bad advice. This was the advice from my solicitor circa late 90s and it worked well for me, but I'm guessing things have changed dramatically since then.

@TickingKey46 that's very true! He's just being ridiculously selfish!!

You have offered little and often have you said this would build up?

Next time he emails be sure to suggest a day for first contact.

You need to write every email thinking this is evidence that could be used in court. Hopefully you will get to court and be able to show you offering contact repeatedly even suggesting dates and he didn't take you up on it.

It's good you are realistic he will win contact. The main thing to focus on is a slow building up to overnights if you feel this would be Bast for your child. Always keep child front and centre.

My abusive ex even said in court he needed enough contact to reduce his maintenance. The judge didn't bat an eye just ordered 2 overnights for my 7 month old baby. I was trying to get supervised contact to protect my children and was made to look like I was nasty mentally unwell bitter woman blocking contact out of spite.

CMS go on a court order for child maintenance regardless of if the dad has contact or not. So my ex actually doesn't see the kids as much as the order allows. You may find your ex doesn't take up the contact long term once he realises this. And I'm sorry if this happens to your kid. Mine used to be scared of their dad and can see he's a dick as the years go on but they are still hurt that he's dropping them. With hindsight I would have just not gone for the maintenance and let him disappear because £200 a month is not worth the damage to my kids having him in their life has caused

@PurpleBugz yes I suggested little and often visits 2-3 times a week which we would slowly build up to him taking baby for short periods of time which again would lengthen in time as long as baby was happy and content with him. With the final aim to be 2 days contact which we would mutually agree on closer to the time.
I have said I can't agree to overnight stays at this stage in LOs life as I believe it will have no benefit to him at such a young age but will reassess in the future.

I'm not trying to keep my boy from seeing his dad, I'm just trying to set out that's it's done in the correct way so that he is happy/settled at all times.

I'm so sorry it sounds like you had a tough time going to court and your children are still suffering 😔

I do always wonder if I hadn't gone to CMS, would we still be going through this?!
He never even asks how my boy is or anything, so he can't be that concerned can he 😩

Purplebugz
I don't think you would have avoided your children being emotionally harmed tbh. If a child doesn't see their other parent at all in my experience it's even worse. My children haven't seen their father for about 4 years (there is a no contact order in place).

I think if they were able to safely see him, even if they could have continued in a contact centre, this would have been better for them. As it is they are curious about him and I'm fully prepared for them to want to see him when they become adults, there for their early adulthood will be negatively effected by it.
I believe it's always a matter of damage limitation, it's natural for children to want to know both parents, regardless of the circumstances. It's just about minimising the risks and the damage.

That absolutely sucks … there are some shit judges out there who don’t put the kids first .

i mean he has litterally admitted he was doing it to save money.

so you never put bio dads name on the birth cert yet you are claiming child support from the very person?

this really winds me up. if he isn't good enough to be a dad to this child, then don't demand money from him, then he has no hold over you or your child.

if he's expected to pay then i fully understand why he should be allowed to see and spend time with the child.

@thursdaymurderclub I guess you never read all the thread?!
it was bio dads choice not to be named on the BC in the first instance. Didn't want anything to do with his son! He doesn't even know what he looks like!! Then demands 2 days 2 nights contact, would you give your baby to a complete stranger? I think not!
I am not trying to stop him from seeing him, in fact it's the opposite! I just want it done correctly in a way my child won't be unsettled or unhappy!

i read it thanks. the baby is 4 months old! it wont care who is looking after it! and to be honest the sooner the better because if you leave it too long, baby will only settle with you and that means he will be unsettled and unhappy.

you're happy to take bio dads money though.

your son has a whole family, can i assume they are also not being allowed to see the child?

@thursdaymurderclub
IT won't care?! Tells me a lot about you! Do you have children of your own?
I'm trying to get things into place thank you as I am well aware that my baby needs a bond with his father who he has seen once for approximately 1 hour in the 5 months of his life.
All he has ever known is me so it's highly likely that he will be unsettled!

Yes bio dads money for things my son needs, why shouldn't he provide for his child!?

Of course he has a family who he sees regularly!
Where have I ever said he isn't allowed to see his son? Nowhere because it's never happened!

Hi, your baby is both of yours baby; his father has every right to be on the birth certificate and part of his life. Some info seems to be missing. Did you plan this baby alone? Was the baby a mutual decision? Very relevant questions. Wishing you all well

Actually no All the other information isn’t relevant . It’s his baby so yes he is legally required to support the baby

@Despair1 I've never said he cannot be a part of his life, just that it needs to be done in the correct way so it doesn't cause my son any upset. As for the BC it was his choice not to be named from the beginning, not mine. At this present time I'm not willing to amend this as he still isn't in my son's life. If this changes in the future of course it can be amended.

My son wasn't planned however I chose to go ahead with the pregnancy. My son's father said he couldn't be in his life but would support us both the best he could.

Hope it all works out in the best interests of the baby, take care

wtf

What a lot of fucking drivel.

Ignore the troll OP.

I would see Citizen’s Advice as they can help. Unless he has any extreme issues I would allow him to have a relationship with his son and I think the court would too if it went to that. The overnights, maybe not so young? I would be happy if my ex wanted to see his kids 2 nights a week. I need that break! It would be good to foster a healthy relationship for the long-term benefit of your son.

@ThisLife2024 thank you, I have spoken with CA, Child Law Advice and a solicitor. I do want my son to have his father in his life, I'm not stopping that. It just needs to be done gradually to start with as he hasn't seen him since 2 days old. I can't just hand him over for two days/nights like his father is expecting. This would be highly upsetting and unsettling for my son.
Yes as for the overnights I have said I'm not willing for this to happen at such a young age but will discuss further down the line.

I have offered short and frequent visits to start which will build up over time to a full day when they have bonded, but he has refused this and sees it as unacceptable.

I have offered a date and time for him to come see his son, again he has refused this and says he will be proceeding with the legal route.

Anything I offer he isn't happy with, to me if I hadn't seen my son since 2 days old and had had a change of heart and wanted to be in his life after 4-5 months I would be doing anything I could to grow a bond between us. He doesn't even ask how he is or ask for a picture. He doesn't actually know what his son looks like.

@Despair1 thank you

Hopefully this is all documented..

I do wonder if he wants the CAO so he. A claim it from cms and reduce cms .

Him declining will be frowned on.

Could you make it clear that you do expect the visits will build up to include overnights? It sounds like you're saying "no for now, ask me again later" which I can see he feels is the same as "no".

Maybe if you phrase it like "I really agree & want you to have that time with him. Just to keep him settled & in his routine etc can we build up to this over the next couple of months?"

Only a suggestion - you know him, baby & situation best!

No, it's all about the money.

@Starlightstarbright3 yeah I have it all in an email trail. It does seem that way, he said he is going to request the 2 days and overnights as part of his legal case!

@crockofshite yup! Certainly seems that way unfortunately

@anonhop he just isn't happy with anything I suggest unfortunately. If he had been in my son's life from day 1 I wouldn't have an issue with overnights but they have zero bond. He is proceeding with the legal route apparently so I assume I will hear from a mediator in due course

He wants the overnights so he can pay less child maintenance .

However he will get a shock when he realises that he has to provide everything for baby himself - clothes, nappies, foods milk, car seat, cot, high chair etc.

And also that he won’t be allowed to just have the two days at the weekend - that’s not fair to you because then you would have have to pay for 5 days nursery costs when you go back to work and he would have none.

And it’s not fair to baby because all his days with mum will be when she’s at work, he will have no quality time at weekends.

So it’s much more likely that id he gets any overnights , they will be eg Friday 8am to Sunday 8am. So he will have to pay one day childcare, collect baby and then take to mums house at 8am Sunday morning. So both parents get one weekend day off with baby.

Thats what you need to argue for if you get to court.

If he misses his days because he’s on holiday, he will need to make them up or he will drop below the 2/7 nights and he will have to pay more maintenance.

I suspect that once he finds all this out, he will reduce or drop his demands.

There’s a reason that most days - even those who live with their partner - never care for their babies for 48 hours straight every week without any help. It’s because it’s hard work and they are mostly too lazy.