4 months in and now father wants contact...advice please

[2boysandmee]

Just as the title says really, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy 4 months ago, his father has seen him once for less than an hour and told me there was no point him being on the birth certificate. Has never asked to come visit, never asked for photos or even asked if his son was ok!

Mid April I applied for child maintenance through CMS as he was being unreasonable with the amount he was paying

The beginning of June he asked if he could be added to the birth certificate which I declined as he has no involvement

This week he has now emailed me a very formal email proposing arrangements to be involved in my sons life. He is wanting 2 days access including over night stays and his name on the birth certificate!

The email is very patronising and he has said that he has "given me time as a mother to a new born to bond with my son" My son he has zero bond with and is a complete stranger too!

Of course I would love my son to have a father figure in his life but why has it taken this man 4 months to decide this? I have never stopped him from seeing his son, he simply hasn't made any efforts himself to see him.

I can't help but think that the CMS payment may possibly have something to do with it. AIBU to think that?

I just wanted to see what other peoples views are on this because my head is all over with it all right now. Thank you if you made it this far! x

How much is the CMS payment?

If he's due to give you like £1k a month and this will reduce it by a significant amount then that's the most likely motive.

If he's due to give you £150 a month and this reduces it to £130 then it's probably not.

@TheFormidableMrsC thank you so much for your advice I do really appreciate it! I guess time will tell if he does truly want to be involved and goes to court!

@Fargo79 thank you, I have calmed down now but still can't believe it's come to this. I can't really afford legal advice but I am going to have a free 30 min session with one hopefully just to make sure I am covering myself. Hopefully I can just cut contact with him and then he can proceed legally if that's what he really wants to do.

I would send an email (paper trail )

offering little and often contact so he can build a bond .. if he applies to court it is frowned on been completely obstructive with contact ..

if you feel unsafe do it in a public space .. I used to meet my ex at soft play so he could spend time with D’s not sat at same table as me in soft play area but I could supervise from a distance. ( he was 10 months)

OP, don't panic. You have shown yourself to be open to contact, to be a good mother with the best interests of your child at heart. He has shown himself to be a selfish and absent father, abandoning his child, messing you about on CMS and now trying to bully you.

All of this can be presented to a court.

If he is genuine about wanting access, and is not just trying to reduce the CMS payment, then he will come to mediation, and then to court. He will be offered short visits during the day with you or someone else present, building up to overnights when he has built a bond and your child is older.

He has other children, knows what it is to be a dad, so may actually want a relationship but he needs to prove that. Suggest mediation, keep all communication in writing but otherwise let him go to court.

My ex issued all the same threats and the most he has ever managed is 20 nights a year, starting when ds was 5. So all things are possible.

I would change the birth certificate. He's the Dad and you can't change that.

I would want my children to know I'd done everything possibly to facilitate a healthy relationship with their dad.

I'd start off with very small amounts of access with a promise to build on that if things went well. No overnights for the first year is not unreasonable.

If his request is a knee jerk reaction to piss you off following your CMS request you will find out very quickly.

I would email him and offer him a short time each week when he would be able to come to yours and meet the baby with you supervising. Give him a choice of a couple of times.

That way, hopefully, by the time it gets to court you will either have evidence that he isn’t interested in genuinely having a relationship with baby (because he hasn’t turned up) or he’ll have some sort of relationship with baby which will give you something to work on in terms of deciding what you’re comfortable to offer.

If he doesn’t accept or doesn’t turn up make sure you have some evidence of that eg by texting him each time.

Before doing anything else I'm going to get some legal advice, until then I won't be responding to him what so ever

All I want is what's best for my son!

You need to do that asap. You could try and get advice from Rights of Women but I know how hard they are to get through to. Women's Aid might be a good first step and also Citizens Advice Bureau. They might have a solicitor you can speak to. Good luck!

Do not pit his name on the birth certificate.. if he disappeared again you'll have never ending problems making any decisions alone for your child as you'll need his permission for everything. If he wants his name on the birth certificate he needs to go thru court.
Fine if he wants to actually be in your child's life but he needs to be the one doing the leg work for that.
It's very worrying he is trying to demand overnights when the child is only 4mo. That is definitely not in the child's best interests. I seriously doubt any court would allow that. If he wants regular contact he needs to build it up gradually over time. Don't be conned into thinking you have to agree to things you aren't comfortable with. Let him go to court. That way you can have things set down in writing regarding how much time he has with the child.. so it will be much harder for him to mess you or baby about.

His official sounding emails and even letters direct from a solicitor mean nothing unless a court has ordered contact.

Right now you aim is to buy time so your DC is older, it won't make any difference to his long term bond with his dad, DC will remember none of it. You aren't stopping or preventing contact just doing it in a way to benefit DC. So don't make it easy for him to get his name on the birth certificate, wait until he has paid out for the court to order it.

In my area there are contact centres for this exact scenario, they are free and ordered by court for absent parents to build a relationship with their child before they go solo.

I had a very positive court experience, I put forward what I felt was in DDs best interest and they agreed with me and put it in motion.

After the contact centre she did twice a week for 4 hours, slowly building up until it was 8:30 - 17:00. (Basically a nursery day had she been in childcare)

Once she started nursery, nursery pick up until 6pm on Wed and then 08:30-17:00 on Sunday.

Overnights I had written in not to start until she turned 4 years old - she didn't like sleeping overnight so in the end he brought her home Sat evening and picked her up again Sun morning

Alternate Christmas 12. Noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day and her birthday

Parental birthdays and Mother/Fathers day spent with relevant parent.

It is very weird being apart at the start, but honestly it's a game changer, it's a chance to catch up on sleep or adult time in the earlier days, do chores and run errands, get a bit of adult time in with friends or go solo to a grown up cinema showing. I did my OU degree when DD was at her dad's. You will be doing 100% of the parenting the rest of the time so once you get used to it it really is a great way to keep you sane.

@TheFormidableMrsC thank you, I have got an appointment booked for this week

@Singleandproud thank you, it's good to read you had a positive court experience and some of the things you set out from the start. I do have another older DC who I have 50/50 with his dad so I know that it is very beneficial for both DC and myself

Just an update if anyone is interested, I never responded to his email after speaking with a solicitor. He hasn't made any efforts to see his son or even ask how he is doing. Then lo and behold 1 week before child maintenance is due he is emailing me again!!
Still doesn't think his proposal is unreasonable 🙄
And suggesting that I seek impartial advice so I can make an informed decision 🤣 the man is so patronising!

Ignore it. Patronising twat. If he's so desperate he'll apply to court won't he? Worry about it then.

Yep definitely cms related … what advice did solicitor recommend ?

Be wary of completely ignoring as it looks like your been obstructive rather than what is clearly going on .

i would just be clear that overnights are completely off the table until your dc has a bond and old enough to cope away from you ..

this may put him off.

@Starlightstarbright3 I offered little and often visits but no overnights at this stage and he wasn't happy, apparently it's unacceptable in its entirety!

To me I have been more than reasonable to say the man doesn't even know what his own son looks. He's just trying to bully me into what he sees as reasonable so it looks like he will have to go the long route if he actually wants to get to know his son!

Hopefully you have that documented - from courts him not accepting anything is frowned on too .

Write your emails as if they're going to get used as evidence in court (and back them up). Polite and factual.

"Hello Dave,

Following our conversation earlier today, and your request to have little Johnny 2 days and nights per week, this is not something I can currently facilitate.

As you're aware, Johnny is 4 months old now and you've not seen him since the day he was born. Youve also had no contact with me durinh this time, so whilst I am keen to facilitate a relationship between the two of you, you are currently a stranger to him and are not aware of his needs. Therefore I propose XYZ contact as a starting point."

I would also make your proposed contact arrangement in such a way that he needs to make some effort - ie not you taking your son to him and picking him up an hour later. If you don't trust him, or know him well enough to trust him (not sure how long you were together beforehand), go down the contact centre route. If he's committed, he'll show up consistently. If he's not, it'll soon fizzle out.

@Starlightstarbright3 everything is via email so i do have a paper trail. Unfortunately we can't seem to agree on anything so it looks like it might end up going down the legal route

@HamBagelNoCheese thank you! It looks like he won't agree with anything I propose so will likely need the emails as evidence at some point.
I have said it needs to be little and often visits with me in the background whilst a bond is formed between them both but he wants a full day from the get go

Totally unreasonable thinking he can have the child for long periods with out the child even knowing him and because of the child's young age.
Personally I would leave it and do nothing. If he's serious he will take it to court, if he's not he won't.
The courts will agree to often and little and maybe even in a contact centre until he's got to know him.
Don't be scared of intimidated by the thought of him taking you to court. You can actually represent yourself and as long as you have your child's best interests at heart you carn't go far wrong.

I'd tell him that you're not comfortable with that and he can take it to mediation/court if he wants; it's quite unlikely he'll bother.

If he does, you can show that you're reasonable and willing to compromise on the birth certificate issue. It's very easy for him to get on there anyway by asking for a DNA test, so you may as well "let him" have it.

Re contact, judge will probably suggest a phased approach building up to overnights- if he's doing it to reduce the maintenance, I can't see him keeping up the consistent contact working towards this considering that there will be no reduction for quite a while.

Do not add his name to the birth certificate under any circumstances. Stick with arranging finances via CSA. Ignore his email.

Try to decide what YOU are comfortable with in terms of contact and then you dictate what that is.

Simple.

Hes realising he has no rights without his name on the birth certificate but equally is still eligible to make child support payments. Get a solicitor so you can be confident and assertive when dealing with his condescending attitude.

He may well want rights as a father and you might decide you agree to access. But be clear with yourself and with him that this is under your control, not his.

This is terrible advice. It costs £20 for a DNA test. If it then goes to court and OP has caused conflict by refusing to budge on the B/C issue, and with the attitude that she is in control and holds all the cards, she'll immediately be assumed to be high conflict and potentially alienating.

@TickingKey46 thank you, all I want is what's best for my son. I have suggested little and often until they have a bond but he sees that as unreasonable. I have always been reasonable throughout the whole of this, from the time I found out I was pregnant but I don't think we will ever agree on anything unfortunately. I am not worried about if we do end up at court as I know what I have offered will be similar to what a judge would recommend. I have done a lot of research and reading since this started but obviously I know my son best and I know what's right for him.

@MrsSunshine2b thank you for your advice, it was his decision not to be on the birth certificate and then months down the line he changed his mind. I did say no to changing it but this is due to the fact he was still telling me he wasn't going to be in my son's life. Of course if contact does go ahead and he keeps up to it then I would reconsider it as that's what's best for my son.

It's such a stressful situation to be in, I just wish he could see my reasonings behind offering little and often contact and slowly building it up over time. It makes no sense to me when he is already a father! I'm sure he wouldn't take his child to a strangers and leave them there for a full day never mind two!

@MrsSunshine2b or the judge will see that he has been reasonable at every stage and the useless ex has thought of no one else but himself. Judges see these cases everyday. Sadly predictable. I am sure OP has receipts.

Yes, I think you've done the right thing to say no for now but it's something you can show you're willing to compromise on in mediation/court, as it's very easy for him to force the issue if he chooses to.