What would be wrong with this text?

[VelvetTurtle]

About a week ago my ex text me to say I'm evil and stopping him seeing the kids. I have never stopped him, the kids have just got older and decided they don't want to see him anymore (there any many many reasons for this, he hasn't seen them in a year and this is the first contact he has made he didn't even acknowledge them at Xmas) but anyway he has never ever since we split taken them overnight and they have never been to his house or met his family, he would only see them by "taking them out for the day" in my area but he would never stick to it and would often cancel or just not show up, this was 9 times out of 10, he lives far away and I don't think he wanted to travel all the way down and back in one day and I think he found it too much work they have additional needs (in all honesty I think he just wanted to see them at my house) I've offered for him to have them overnight many many times but he never wanted to because that would be "doing me a favour" and "giving me a break" and "why should he give me a break" this was his own words. Now the kids don't want to see him and have said there is no point because he just wont show up they said they don't like him coming down and don't want to speak to him anymore (he constantly cancelled even cancelled on one of their birthdays on the same day zero notice) I was thinking of texting him saying the kids will be available every other weekend from Friday/ Saturday to 7pm Sunday and he is more than welcome to take them for the weekend (I know for a fact he won't I am 100% certain he will not do this he has never wanted to have them overnight ever) it's more just to have the proof as he is coming out with I'm stopping him which I am not but I just want that proof that I've offered him the contact, he will either not respond or say no, I don't want to offer for him to come down and take them out for the day as he has been doing that for years and never ever sticks to it and the kids don't want that anymore they have additional needs as I said so the inconsistency and messing around was really affecting them. Should I send a message saying he can have them every other weekend? I posted on another group but they said not to but didn't give a reason why but what exactly is wrong with offering this? I know he will say no I can guarantee that but it shows I've tried and proves that it's him that isn't interested not sure what would be wrong with sending that?

Well if you have been trying loads and it doesn't work then just text back factually and say that you've never prevented him from seeing them. That if he wants to have a regular contact arrangement then you'd be happy to accommodate so can he please apply for a child arrangement order so that you are all clear on what the arrangement is

No he doesn't work. Hence why he is free to see them whenever he wants he only wants to see them when he has nothing better to do.

That was exactly my point if you think that every other weekend is realistic and good for kids- offer every other weekend. Don’t offer something which it too much . Offer something doable.

What if he shows up will you really send them off there kicking and screaming?

The problem with offering full weekends roh overnights every other week is that on the off chance he accepts and comes to get them you will have rather thrown your kids in at the deep end as you say he feels like a stranger to them and they don’t want to see him. That’s not fair on them at all.

Just reply with ‘you have always been welcome to see them you however choose not to. If you wish to resume contact then give me the time and date you are coming’

Ignore the shit about you being evil he’s taking crap and you know he is. Who cares what he thinks about you.

The ones to talk to are the kids. Explain carefully and gently that you have never stopped him but for whatever reasons of his own he hasn’t seen them. You can’t explain his actions only your own and you can assure them you have never declined a visit. However you are aware it’s hard for them and don’t want them to feel sad or disappointed so if they ever want you to contact him and request a visit you are of course willing to do so and if he ever asks to see them you will let them know and they can decide what they want to do. But you can’t control how he responds or what he does.

Yes I thought 12/13 year olds were able to make the decision themselves I've always seen it said on here that 12/13 is old enough to decide (maybe 10 is a little young) so surprised to be told by pp that it isn't old enough especially since I can't physically force them to go with him and they've asked me not to let him come down again after he came down for the 10 year olds birthday and spent the whole day sleeping on the sofa and barely interacted with them, we played party games and he just ignored us and either slept or played on his phone, the kids are old enough to see he isn't interested and asked me not to let him come down again. He had the older ones number but he would never call, he would text once every 2 / 3 weeks. If they ever texted him first he wouldn't respond for 3/4 days so they stopped messaging him as they felt he wasn't interested. The only place he has ever taken them is the cinema, each time he has taken them out it's to the cinema and the cynical side of me believes it's so he can nap or play on his phone and not have to interact (the kids confirmed this is what he does) its expensive so he wouldn't do it regularly and wouldn't see them for months.

I'm certain he wont. There is no doubt in my mind, he will not have them overnight he doesn't want to.

I'm not going to do that as he will just come down whenever he feels like it like he's been doing for 7 years. Again that's why they don't want to see him because he is no consistent and doesn't show up or goes months without seeing them, that's just the same pattern as before.

Also, you are inviting him into THEIR home, not his. He shouldn't be allowed to lounge about on your sofa taking up their space. This is their sanctuary.

He needs to take them out somewhere and actually plan things.

Sorry OP but he sounds very typical of a lot of "fathers" who only show up when they are bored and treat the mum's house as a hotel. My friend had the father of her child letting himself into her house when she went away for a weekend, eating her food and using her washing machine while she wasn't there! She got home and he had vomited on her living room rug and was still sleeping off a hangover.... She learnt a valuable lesson very early on from that; don't allow him to take over your space.

He sounds absolutely appalling. Do the kids want to see him every other weekend? If so then offer. If no then just don't speak to him anymore. He's no interest in them except on his very limited terms. But no harm in saying you're free to see them, I'm reasonable. Then leave at that.

Sadly that's exactly what he does, I ordered a takeaway for my son and he was asking what I was buying him, he went through my fridge looking for food I had to stop him coming in he then started to text me asking to borrow money as he got too comfortable.

My ex is like this, he thinks he can pick and choose but I am left to do ALL the donkey work - school runs, cooking, clubs etc etc. No maintenance either, long story. He no longer sees the DC.

I wish wish wish they could be forced to stand up and take responsibility. It’s so unfair for both mum and kids.

same situation, never been to any of their schools and oldest is 13 never had them overnight or cooked them dinner they don't even know any of his family because he only comes down here to see them and thinks he can go months without seeing or speaking to them then wonders why they aren't fussed about seeing him now they are older.

I'm not saying they should see him. I'm saying they shouldn't be the ones responsible for blocking contact (from their side). That kind of decision should be made by an adult or a mature minor.

Maybe reply with

"They have said they don't want to see you due to the cancellations, lack of effort on your part. Would you be willing to commit to eow and I can ask them if they would like that?

This is perfect thanks I will send this