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Original poster

What would be wrong with this text?

66 replies

VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 18:47

About a week ago my ex text me to say I'm evil and stopping him seeing the kids. I have never stopped him, the kids have just got older and decided they don't want to see him anymore (there any many many reasons for this, he hasn't seen them in a year and this is the first contact he has made he didn't even acknowledge them at Xmas) but anyway he has never ever since we split taken them overnight and they have never been to his house or met his family, he would only see them by "taking them out for the day" in my area but he would never stick to it and would often cancel or just not show up, this was 9 times out of 10, he lives far away and I don't think he wanted to travel all the way down and back in one day and I think he found it too much work they have additional needs (in all honesty I think he just wanted to see them at my house) I've offered for him to have them overnight many many times but he never wanted to because that would be "doing me a favour" and "giving me a break" and "why should he give me a break" this was his own words. Now the kids don't want to see him and have said there is no point because he just wont show up they said they don't like him coming down and don't want to speak to him anymore (he constantly cancelled even cancelled on one of their birthdays on the same day zero notice) I was thinking of texting him saying the kids will be available every other weekend from Friday/ Saturday to 7pm Sunday and he is more than welcome to take them for the weekend (I know for a fact he won't I am 100% certain he will not do this he has never wanted to have them overnight ever) it's more just to have the proof as he is coming out with I'm stopping him which I am not but I just want that proof that I've offered him the contact, he will either not respond or say no, I don't want to offer for him to come down and take them out for the day as he has been doing that for years and never ever sticks to it and the kids don't want that anymore they have additional needs as I said so the inconsistency and messing around was really affecting them. Should I send a message saying he can have them every other weekend? I posted on another group but they said not to but didn't give a reason why but what exactly is wrong with offering this? I know he will say no I can guarantee that but it shows I've tried and proves that it's him that isn't interested not sure what would be wrong with sending that?

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:44

CremeFresh · 19/05/2024 19:43

I sent this type of message to my ex , Op , I know where you're coming from. My dd was 12 when she'd had enough of the multiple let downs, the courts were involved and she wrote a letter stating why she didn't want to see him.

Thank you I'm glad someone understand I know he won't want to have them I've been begging him for years to have some kind of meaningful contact with them as coming down for a couple of hours every 3 months just isn't going to cut it. They don't want to see him because they don't know him, they consider him a stranger and don't feel comfortable when he is here and the multiple let downs or falling asleep 🙄

OP posts:
Nonewclothes2024 · 19/05/2024 19:47

SendNoodles · 19/05/2024 19:33

Cross-posted with the ages. Personally, I think they're too young to take responsibility for the decision to not see him (from their end).

He's messed them about so much , it's not fair.

IntriguingFactJumble · 19/05/2024 19:48

I know it's not the same but in Special Guardian family situations it would go like this:

If the parent had not been in touch for months/years they would have to prove that they had settled down and were less likely to let down the children. So, for example, they'd have to write a monthly letter for 6 months. After that they could have monthly phone calls. If they kept to the phone calls properly they could then meet at a supervised place like a play centre - if a few of those meetings went well only then could 'normal', unsupervised visits take place.

Unforgettablefire · 19/05/2024 19:49

Op the kids are old enough to decide for themselves of course they are. My dd's dad was the same and she got to about the same age as yours and decided herself she wasn't interested anymore.
You owe him nothing nor do your kids. They're old enough now especially the older two to know he's never been a dad.

CremeFresh · 19/05/2024 19:51

Also , these sort of men will twist your words and call you a liar, so I wanted proof that I had offered visitation , so I could show it to Caffcass and the judge.

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:51

I should add he hasn't seen them for a year and didn't contact them at Christmas the first message I've had off him in a year is to tell me I'm evil.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 19/05/2024 19:53

VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:51

I should add he hasn't seen them for a year and didn't contact them at Christmas the first message I've had off him in a year is to tell me I'm evil.

Same as my ex , it usually happened when he'd broken up with a girlfriend, obviously couldn't abuse her , so turned back on me.

DancingNotDrowning · 19/05/2024 19:55

VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:24

Why is that "suspicious" ?

It’s suspicious because your claim that the DC don’t want to see him is central to how posters will respond.

A 17 year old who doesn’t want to see his parent is a different proposition to a 7 year old and by avoiding the question of age you create the impression that they’re too young for their decision to be fairly relied.

now that you’ve posted the ages i do think they’re a bit too young, especially the younger two. That doesn’t detract from the fact that your ex is a feckless father.

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:57

DancingNotDrowning · 19/05/2024 19:55

It’s suspicious because your claim that the DC don’t want to see him is central to how posters will respond.

A 17 year old who doesn’t want to see his parent is a different proposition to a 7 year old and by avoiding the question of age you create the impression that they’re too young for their decision to be fairly relied.

now that you’ve posted the ages i do think they’re a bit too young, especially the younger two. That doesn’t detract from the fact that your ex is a feckless father.

Show quote history

I want them to see him. So I should send the text then offering he takes them for the weekend?

OP posts:
Keepthosenamesgoing · 19/05/2024 20:01

So I suggest you do this. Send him a text saying
" I have never stopped you from seeing them and I'm very happy to make arrangements for you to see them on a regular basis. As you know they have [whatever needs] and so it's really important that these things are arranged so that theres some consistency and reliability. I suggest you come and visit them / have a call with them and have a discussion with them about what arrangements you can commit to. "

pizzaHeart · 19/05/2024 20:07

You need to think what would be good and feasible (for kids) and txt him factually offering that. There is no point to offer him having kids for two weeks. He never did this and it won’t be good for kids.
So txt him along the line offered by PP that as he didn’t contact you since ….. you thought that he didn’t want to see kids at all. You are glad he actually wants to see them and he can have them e.g every other weekend from 6pm on Friday until 6 pm on Sunday. You can start from the weekend 24th of May etc etc.
However be sure that it’s realistic for the kids. It might be a big jump for them from zero to a weekend.

He would likely refuse, but if not your plan would be sensible.
Be polite and factual in your message if you are worried that he might use the message against you.

pizzaHeart · 19/05/2024 20:08

Send @Keepthosenamesgoing’s txt - it’s perfect

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 20:08

pizzaHeart · 19/05/2024 20:07

You need to think what would be good and feasible (for kids) and txt him factually offering that. There is no point to offer him having kids for two weeks. He never did this and it won’t be good for kids.
So txt him along the line offered by PP that as he didn’t contact you since ….. you thought that he didn’t want to see kids at all. You are glad he actually wants to see them and he can have them e.g every other weekend from 6pm on Friday until 6 pm on Sunday. You can start from the weekend 24th of May etc etc.
However be sure that it’s realistic for the kids. It might be a big jump for them from zero to a weekend.

He would likely refuse, but if not your plan would be sensible.
Be polite and factual in your message if you are worried that he might use the message against you.

I'm not suggesting for him to have the kids for 2 weeks, it was every other weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 20:13

Keepthosenamesgoing · 19/05/2024 20:01

So I suggest you do this. Send him a text saying
" I have never stopped you from seeing them and I'm very happy to make arrangements for you to see them on a regular basis. As you know they have [whatever needs] and so it's really important that these things are arranged so that theres some consistency and reliability. I suggest you come and visit them / have a call with them and have a discussion with them about what arrangements you can commit to. "

This suggests to me we would be happy for things to go back to him seeing them "for the day when he can be bothered" which it has been for years hence why they are no longer interested as that could be 3 months before he felt like seeing them again.

OP posts:
SendNoodles · 19/05/2024 20:18

VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:37

really? So you think I should force them to see him?

Show quote history

No, not at all. I'm saying don't throw them under the bus and make it their responsibility that they're not seeing him.* If it's not good for them to see him, then you say that and you own it. They're too young to have it put on them.

*Obviously, he's the one that's the problem. I'm talking about blocking from your side versus being open to visit from your side (whether or not he takes you up on that). Don't block from your side and say it's something the kids have decided. They're not old enough to decide that (in my opinion). But block from your side if you want to. He sounds like a pile of garbage.

Keepthosenamesgoing · 19/05/2024 20:28

VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 20:13

This suggests to me we would be happy for things to go back to him seeing them "for the day when he can be bothered" which it has been for years hence why they are no longer interested as that could be 3 months before he felt like seeing them again.

Show quote history

That's why I'm emphasising the commitment aspect. And he commits to them not to you.
He has to do the call first ! If he doesn't then you've got on record the fact you were open to him having a relationship with them

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 20:29

Keepthosenamesgoing · 19/05/2024 20:28

That's why I'm emphasising the commitment aspect. And he commits to them not to you.
He has to do the call first ! If he doesn't then you've got on record the fact you were open to him having a relationship with them

Show quote history

Only I've been trying to get him to commit to seeing them for 7 years.

OP posts:
Aubree17 · 19/05/2024 20:33

How old are the kids?
If they are old enough and have mobiles my response would be:
"I've never stopped you seeing the kids, here's their numbers, make your own arrangements"

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 20:37

Aubree17 · 19/05/2024 20:33

How old are the kids?
If they are old enough and have mobiles my response would be:
"I've never stopped you seeing the kids, here's their numbers, make your own arrangements"

We've done that he had the oldest (13) number but he kept saying he was coming down then not showing up, promising to take them to the cinema then cancelling at 3am this was upsetting them so I was advised to not let him go directly through the children.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 19/05/2024 20:39

I’d just text back “Let me know when you want to see them.”

He is not going to come anyway so no need to worry about it.

ColdInApril · 19/05/2024 20:39

7 years. He doesn’t sound bothered. He doesn’t want to see them, doesn’t want to admit is as it makes him a bad person, blames you.
Id text give him a chance, be accommodating. If he doesn’t do it, tell him you aren’t wasting your time anymore and if he wants to see them to go to court and block him. Stop wasting energy.

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 20:44

AliceOlive · 19/05/2024 20:39

I’d just text back “Let me know when you want to see them.”

He is not going to come anyway so no need to worry about it.

Yes and he will see them.. once a year. That's why they don't want to see him anymore so that isn't going to work. If they wanted to see him he would see them once a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 20:45

ColdInApril · 19/05/2024 20:39

7 years. He doesn’t sound bothered. He doesn’t want to see them, doesn’t want to admit is as it makes him a bad person, blames you.
Id text give him a chance, be accommodating. If he doesn’t do it, tell him you aren’t wasting your time anymore and if he wants to see them to go to court and block him. Stop wasting energy.

I've been trying for 7 years hence why I want to suggest some meaningful contact like eow, him coming down here doesn't work, he doesn't want to travel this far just to take them out for a few hours and it's expensive so he won't do it often.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 19/05/2024 20:50

I'm sorry VelvetTurtle. Is he consistently paying CMS? You can point this out to the DC as him trying to contribute to their lives but that, unfortunately, his lifestyle is not conducive to being an involved, reliable father.
Tell him that the DC know he is trying but their well-being is the moat important factor here and his feelings towards you are irrelevant.
If he cannot lay out an acceptable schedule of contact he must accept their decision to not see him.

PanicAttax · 19/05/2024 20:51

You can't make your kids see him, especially the 13yo.
If they don't want to and he isn't making any effort it is not YOUR job to make them and him have a relationship. It won't work if he doesn't put the effort in as has already been proven.

Leave it alone, they'll not appreciate it and he clearly doesn't. He can take it to court if he wants to see them but it doesn't seem he will bother. He will always have that option and you'd be an idiot to keep forcing either of them. Put your kids first and respect what they are telling you.