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Original poster

What would be wrong with this text?

66 replies

VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 18:47

About a week ago my ex text me to say I'm evil and stopping him seeing the kids. I have never stopped him, the kids have just got older and decided they don't want to see him anymore (there any many many reasons for this, he hasn't seen them in a year and this is the first contact he has made he didn't even acknowledge them at Xmas) but anyway he has never ever since we split taken them overnight and they have never been to his house or met his family, he would only see them by "taking them out for the day" in my area but he would never stick to it and would often cancel or just not show up, this was 9 times out of 10, he lives far away and I don't think he wanted to travel all the way down and back in one day and I think he found it too much work they have additional needs (in all honesty I think he just wanted to see them at my house) I've offered for him to have them overnight many many times but he never wanted to because that would be "doing me a favour" and "giving me a break" and "why should he give me a break" this was his own words. Now the kids don't want to see him and have said there is no point because he just wont show up they said they don't like him coming down and don't want to speak to him anymore (he constantly cancelled even cancelled on one of their birthdays on the same day zero notice) I was thinking of texting him saying the kids will be available every other weekend from Friday/ Saturday to 7pm Sunday and he is more than welcome to take them for the weekend (I know for a fact he won't I am 100% certain he will not do this he has never wanted to have them overnight ever) it's more just to have the proof as he is coming out with I'm stopping him which I am not but I just want that proof that I've offered him the contact, he will either not respond or say no, I don't want to offer for him to come down and take them out for the day as he has been doing that for years and never ever sticks to it and the kids don't want that anymore they have additional needs as I said so the inconsistency and messing around was really affecting them. Should I send a message saying he can have them every other weekend? I posted on another group but they said not to but didn't give a reason why but what exactly is wrong with offering this? I know he will say no I can guarantee that but it shows I've tried and proves that it's him that isn't interested not sure what would be wrong with sending that?

OP posts:
Mindblownawaybyfog · 19/05/2024 18:51

How about... The dc don't want to see you because you are a crap df....
Then block him.
He doesn't get to hurl abuse at you. If the dc don't want to see him he has no need to contact you. I stopped all contact when dc got secondary school and made their own plans to which house they went to. The stress lifted... How old are the dc?

LordSnot · 19/05/2024 18:54

Why do you want proof?

How old are the kids?

Drowningnotwaving85 · 19/05/2024 18:55

When you say to prove you're not stopping him, who are you trying to prove this to? I'd leave it to be honest. If your DC are old enough to make the choice they don't want to see him, presumably they're old enough to know you tried to facilitate a relationship in which case you don't need to prove anything to anyone else.

It's hard. I've been there but sometimes the best thing is not to react or respond and leave it be. He'll have his own spin on things, as will you. As long as your dc are happy and cared for ignore him.

ColdInApril · 19/05/2024 18:57

Maybe he has a new woman he wants to show texts to showing what a great dad he is and how awful you are.

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 18:57

The children in the future because he said I'm stopping him from seeing them, that's the first time he has come out with that line. Whilst I know I am not he is very manipulative and doesn't believe it is coming from the children he said it's "obviously me stopping them" so I want to show I tried in the future if it's ever needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 18:58

ColdInApril · 19/05/2024 18:57

Maybe he has a new woman he wants to show texts to showing what a great dad he is and how awful you are.

Doubt it he doesn't tell women he has kids.

OP posts:
LordSnot · 19/05/2024 18:59

You won't say how old they are but if they're old enough to choose not to see their father, they're old enough to remember making the choice. Don't worry about it.

Drowningnotwaving85 · 19/05/2024 19:01

But they'll surely remember that they don't want to see him?

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:05

If only it was that simple some people are very manipulative.

OP posts:
Sunflowersinthewind · 19/05/2024 19:09

Not sure why people are giving you a hard time. I did this OP. Offered up regular time. Didn't hear from him for 3 years. I get why you want to send the text

AllAtSeaAgain · 19/05/2024 19:10

the kids have just got older and decided they don't want to see him anymore (there any many many reasons for this, he hasn't seen them in a year and this is the first contact he has made he didn't even acknowledge them at Xmas)

Text back to say, 'As you haven't contacted us in a year, and sent nothing at Christmas, we had assumed you were dead. I would be happy for you to see the children, unfortunately you messed them around so many times and consistently failed to turn up that they no longer want you in their lives. I think they are old enough to decide for themselves.'

DownTheBackoftheSofa · 19/05/2024 19:10

If you're worried about the kids thinking you stopped them in the future, then I would just ask them every now and again.
Something like, I know your Dad has let you down in the past, but if you ever change your mind and want to reestablish visits with him, then let me or him know and we'll do what we can to schedule something.
As they get older they may want to have a WhatsApp or text relationship with him.. or not at all. It's up to them.
You can tell him that you've given the kids the choice to let you and him know if they want/need contact. Then leave it at that. Let him think what he will.. who cares? He's a shit dad and he doesn't live near you.
It's not his right to see the children, it's their right to have a decent father.. which he has f*cked up on. If he wants to make amends, you and the kids have every right to be sceptical.

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:12

Sunflowersinthewind · 19/05/2024 19:09

Not sure why people are giving you a hard time. I did this OP. Offered up regular time. Didn't hear from him for 3 years. I get why you want to send the text

Thank you, not sure why either. I think I am just trying to cover myself as it happened to my sister, her ex never bothered with their son his whole childhood then came back when he was a teen and said "your mum stopped me from seeing you" and he believed every word of it and went to live with him when he was 13 and stopped contact with my sister. Even my nephew knew he never bothered with him he would rather believe he was "stopped" than just didn't want to see him I think most kids would.

OP posts:
DancingNotDrowning · 19/05/2024 19:23

People aren’t giving the OP a “hard time” they’re pushing back and suspicious because she won’t say how old the DC are.

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:24

Why is that "suspicious" ?

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 19/05/2024 19:25

The children’s ages are very important OP.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 19/05/2024 19:26

You can be vague and say baby, pre-school, primary or secondary aged?

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:27

13 12 and 10

OP posts:
SendNoodles · 19/05/2024 19:31

I'd be leery about sending a message like that. If you don't bend over backwards to facilitate these weekend visits, he'll just say you're still blocking (like if he expects something unreasonable like your dropping them off at his and picking them up).

I agree with PP that the ages do matter. It's because they can't decide for themselves properly when they're not old enough to understand what they're deciding.

SendNoodles · 19/05/2024 19:33

Cross-posted with the ages. Personally, I think they're too young to take responsibility for the decision to not see him (from their end).

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:37

SendNoodles · 19/05/2024 19:33

Cross-posted with the ages. Personally, I think they're too young to take responsibility for the decision to not see him (from their end).

really? So you think I should force them to see him?

OP posts:
Happyher · 19/05/2024 19:37

I think you need a proper talk with your DC’s first. No point offering them up if they don’t want to spend time with him. If they are clear they don’t want to see him, just tell him this. It’s then up to him to try and fix the relationship with them. Never criticise him in front of them but be honest with them. As they mature they can make their own choices, make it clear that you’re ok with them seeing him. I used to tell my kids if they’re happy, I’m happy when they used to feel guilty about leaving me to see their DF

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 19:38

Happyher · 19/05/2024 19:37

I think you need a proper talk with your DC’s first. No point offering them up if they don’t want to spend time with him. If they are clear they don’t want to see him, just tell him this. It’s then up to him to try and fix the relationship with them. Never criticise him in front of them but be honest with them. As they mature they can make their own choices, make it clear that you’re ok with them seeing him. I used to tell my kids if they’re happy, I’m happy when they used to feel guilty about leaving me to see their DF

I've asked them loads of times and they said they don't want to see him. The times he's came to see them at my house he would fall asleep on the sofa and ignore them or he would tell them he was coming to see them then not show up or take them to the cinema then again not show up / cancel the night before.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 19/05/2024 19:43

I sent this type of message to my ex , Op , I know where you're coming from. My dd was 12 when she'd had enough of the multiple let downs, the courts were involved and she wrote a letter stating why she didn't want to see him.

museumum · 19/05/2024 19:43

I understand why the other situation is scary for you but your oldest is already 13 and knows that their dad lets them down. I’d just make sure every few months you ask them if they’d like to see him and mention that you are happy to ask him for them to visit.
You don’t need text proof you just need to keep communication open with the children and support them if they do want to see him (no matter how useless he is).

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