Soon to be a grand mummy but so concerned

[Mylittlegrandbaby]

Hey... my daughter is 29. She was led to believe she could not conceive naturally when she was 15. She was recently diagnosed with asd and adhd and had a very serious episode of anorexia 18 months ago.

We found out she was pregnant last month very unexpectedly. To say it was a shock is an understatement. It filled me with sheer terror for her and the baby because she's so vulnerable.

She informed the dad who has tred to financially bribe her into a termination. When she declined he started to ignore her.

I contacted the father's mother today and it was met with legal threats and telling me " they'd be intouch with a plan of action". Both grandparents were incredibly hostile and rude. The fathers father was unbelievably condescending. Its really distressed me to be honest.

On top of all of this I was a complainant in a sexual offences case and he was convicted 13 days ago so I'm feeling really vulnerable myself.

Any suggestion on how to deal with their hostility? They are literally horrific!

It was all infomation you provided .... asd/adhd, bad relationship, recent eating disorder recovery, false fertility diagnosis, fathers family distancing themselves ect.

How exactly would telling people who "don't want to be involved" that the baby is dead when potentially the father will need to pay childsupport helpful ?

There's absolutely nothing false about my daughters fertility issues, its far from unusual for this to happen . If you wouldn't judge a physical illness why are you judging an eating disorder? I recommend you research what ASD is and instead of assuming it's a defective character trait. You sound incredibly ignorant throughout your two comments.

But most of all, please, sort out your own shortcomings and trust issue instead of projecting them onto a situation your not involved in (thankfully) and doesn't affect you in any way. Your comments are the type that give mumnet a bad name. I won't be responding to you again. Have a great rest of your weekend though!

I'm so glad to hear it. Its just not acceptable to coherce anyone into something as deeply emotional as that. 😊

I said 'false fertility diagnosis' - which yes if your told you cant concieve naturally & you do Is the formal name for it.

Like Fertility struggles being the name for women who conceive naturally or with minimal assistance but after some time or with some difficulties

Infertility - which is when a woman can't conceive after years of active trying (healthy diet/regular sex/lifestyle changes/medical support

Ect.

Your daughter was diagnosed as having fertility issues based on prior condition/s at an age when she very likely didn't have a stable or consistent sex life & yet at almost the average age of becoming a mother & potentially after an eating disorder that could have had an effect of either weight gain or weight loss depending on the nature of it & a regular sex life conceived naturally = false fertility diagnoses

It's not an insult though so don't know why your offended!

Why am I offended? Well, being called a manipulator and liar might be one reason! Another is the obnoxious remarks about my daughter and her health and vulnerabilities and relationship! Another could be your attempts gaslight me about a diagnosis given by several specialist doctor's over a 12 year period! Just a few reasons! Are you not questioning why your points are being removed? Could it be because they are indeed offensive? It's really odd behaviour to be honest... but I guess it's easy to bang out a message on here to get a rise, isn't it! As I've said, concentrate on your own shortcoming, because if this is how you spend your days, you really need to!

Already been messaged.... your the one reporting the post 🤣

And then go on to report the response you wanted after hours of provoking it. We're done here! I'm not entertaining you any further.

This exact thread was posted recently from the point of view of the daughter. I'm not saying it's the same case but the circumstances are uncannily familiar and that original thread will still be there if you search for it.

Same list of diagnoses for the daughter including recovering from anorexia, was told she couldn't conceive children etc.

The overwhelming majority of responses were that she should have an abortion.

First of all don’t call yourself grand mummy, you are granny, or grandma, or grandmother. Your dd may be vulnerable but she is going to be mummy, not you.

Having said that she will need some support if only to protect her from the toxic influences. No name on the BC for a start , though they will probably challenge this. Get your legal ducks in a row re contact, maintenance etc, if they are going to be snotty keep it all legal through court access and CSA.

Good luck to your dd, she can do it.

What can I type to find it please?

@Marssuri

It was titled "feel like I'm being pushed into having a termination" and was posted on 6th of March.

I'm not saying this is the same poster or the poster's mother. But it is interesting that the responses on this thread are that she should keep the baby but the other thread had a huge amount of responses and the vast majority said, kindly, that the OP didn't sound like she would cope having a baby and should seriously consider having an abortion.

Thank you!

That was my daughter and it is the same case. She's since had two scans, heard the heartbeat and does not feel she can terminate. I worry about how it's gonna go but it's her choice. I know her like the back of my hand and I feel the damage of a termination would be so much worse than if we support her with whatever she and the baby need. She said some people on her thread were concerned about me, this very nearly meant that she booked the termination. The first scan was at MSI and she phoned them to book it. Bottom line is she is supported, we have her back and won't let the baby come to any emotional harm. She is a youth worker, has worked at play schemes and the kids adored her and she is great at understanding kids. My concern has always been the newborn overwhelme and perinatal illness. This can happy to any new mum. Since she posted her message we have booked her in for antenatal care, our GP has referred her to perinatal mental health services and we have had a meeting with her care coordinator and they will see her every week. All we can do now is make sure she knows we are here for her. The day to day will fall to me, but she has a dad and a stepmum who are very involved too. The issues around the father's family are separate. Its about the disrespectful and hostile nature of their response and setting boundaries so they don't mess up the support we have in place or the stability for the baby in the future. If they don't want to be involved I'd be glad... I just don't want them rocking up later down the line and causing issues for us as a family. If they choose to reject the baby they need to stay away completely and permanently... judging by how they are, i think they are going to be a total nightmare which fills me with absolute dread. In an ideal world none of this would be a concern but shit situations happen. Its about limiting any potential for crisis. One thing I know is the baby isn't planned but its wanted and will be loved.

I agree with PP’s that you shouldn’t have any further contact with the father’s family, it’s not going to help anyone.

Your DD is 29 and presumably her former partner is at least in his 20’s. They’re adults and this is their business. They will sort out parental responsibility, access, child support, etc. Let them do that.

@Mylittlegrandbaby

Yes, I was fairly confident this was the same story as the last one but didn't want to state it baldly incase Mumsnet took it as troll hunting.

I agree with the majority of posters on your daughter's previous thread. She has autism, adhd, borderline personality disorder and anorexia. She also lives at home at 29 years old. Now added to the mix is a father who wants nothing to do with the baby, and hostile grandparents.

It doesn't sound like a good situation for anyone involved. I also find your username and use of your phrase "grand mummy" to be quite telling.

All the best OP. If things are as you say they are, hopefully at 29 years old this baby will be the making of your daughter and she'll cope beautifully. I hope it's not too much for everyone involved.

The one thing I won't tolerate is the father financially bribing her to terminate. Although my daughter is high functioning if his whole family start that crap the she would feel a sense of powerlessness. I absolutely will not allow that situation to evolve. The little I know of them they are bullies, especially the "grandfather". It might suit them for her to terminate but I have to pick her off the floor while they all go about their lives like nothing happened.

I've addressed the grandmummy thing already, you're applyy8ng a deeper meaning to absolutely nothing...This isn't a discussion to pressure me to force my daughter to terminate pregnancy. That's her decision not mine or yours.

I understand that you’re trying to protect her, OP. 💐 I still think that this situation is primarily between her and the father though, not his family (I.e., there’s no reason to contact/involve his parents). Unless of course he’s a vulnerable adult and doesn’t understand the implications of becoming a father. Is that why his father has threatened “legal action”? He probably just meant a DNA test.

Er. I wasn't aware of that but would explain why OP's so defensive about it all even though the bulk of people have been supportive & encouraging towards her

Yeah, but that’s very different because it’s the pregnant woman herself asking for advice. Telling her that you’d choose to terminate in her circumstances when she’s asking for opinions is fine. Telling the mother of the pregnant woman that her daughter should have a termination is suggesting that the mother should somehow force that decision - the very same behavior we are all horrified by in the father of the child.

@Weareallmadeofstardust

Yeah, but that’s very different because it’s the pregnant woman herself asking for advice. Telling her that you’d choose to terminate in her circumstances when she’s asking for opinions is fine. Telling the mother of the pregnant woman that her daughter should have a termination is suggesting that the mother should somehow force that decision - the very same behavior we are all horrified by in the father of the child.

That's quite a reach. No one has told the Op she should force her daughter to have an abortion.

Terrible idea. The father has not reached out to OP it's the other way round.... tbh I can see his family's concerns! Although they seem to have been rude doesn't make them invalid.

No. But the OP appears to be in total denial that, while her daughter might be unhappy after a termination, if she continues the pregnancy, there will be an actual child being brought up by someone who is conspicuously not coping with the bare essentials of her own life at the moment. Two people’s MH will be at stake. The OP seems to be focused on protecting her DD and providing support in the newborn stage, but a grandparent, however committed, trying to make up to a child for shortfall in a parent’s coping abilities is far from ideal.