Soon to be a grand mummy but so concerned

[Mylittlegrandbaby]

Hey... my daughter is 29. She was led to believe she could not conceive naturally when she was 15. She was recently diagnosed with asd and adhd and had a very serious episode of anorexia 18 months ago.

We found out she was pregnant last month very unexpectedly. To say it was a shock is an understatement. It filled me with sheer terror for her and the baby because she's so vulnerable.

She informed the dad who has tred to financially bribe her into a termination. When she declined he started to ignore her.

I contacted the father's mother today and it was met with legal threats and telling me " they'd be intouch with a plan of action". Both grandparents were incredibly hostile and rude. The fathers father was unbelievably condescending. Its really distressed me to be honest.

On top of all of this I was a complainant in a sexual offences case and he was convicted 13 days ago so I'm feeling really vulnerable myself.

Any suggestion on how to deal with their hostility? They are literally horrific!

Hey that sounds really hard! I am autistic and have recovered from an eating disorder. My advice would be

1. Get family therapy for yourself and your daughter. She will need your help and outside help to navigate this well.
2. Consider allowing your daughter to move in with you during the birth/ first year if you think this might work for the two of you. Do what you can to avoid the father/ his family knowing where you live.
3. Escitalopram has been great for me at reducing anxiety/ eating disorder symptoms. It is safe for use in pregnancy - consider discussing with your/ her gp. (Take it at night if you want to stay awake during the day though!)
4. You know he / his family are not in a good place to support your daughter/ grandchild at the moment. Don't talk to them. Get help from a local community law organisation and get a family lawyer in place to deal with them. Things may change in the future and he may want a relationship.with the child.
5. Invite your daughter over to watch family/ baby themed shows that one or the both of you enjoy to emphasise the positive aspects of the pregnancy e.g if her comfort show as a child was the little mermaid, watch that together one night. If you like call the midwife, watch that together another night. Encourage nostalgic conversations about her childhood and try to keep things low key and positive.

Best of luck OP and congratulations <3

I wouldn't want them in my grandchild's life tbh. Sounds like you'd get a deadbeat dad at best, or your daughter will be stuck with a batshit family for life at worst

they are aware she is pregnant i would keep all conversations via e-mail (in writing) and avoid any further discussion.
i'm sure the concern and anger will be the financial expectation of the father but unless necessary, IF him and the family are unstable, i simply would avoid any contact and you may wish to consider not including him on the birth cert.

You daughter sounds very vulnerable. Has she made her mind up to continue the pregnancy. I'd be encouraging to have an abortion assuming it's not too late because she has only recently recovered from
Anorexia and because it would be awful to tie herself and any potential child to the 'father' and his family. She would just be setting herself up for years of stress. What if the father wants 50/50 - how would your daughter deal with that?

If you are feeling so concerned now imagine how you will feel if there is an actual child Involved too.

If she has the baby, don't include the father's name in the birth certificate. Good luck!

I would tell them she had a miscarriage and never contact them again, unless you live so close that bumping into them is a certainty.

Why are you pushing to have these people anywhere near your family? Assume he won’t be in the picture and focus on what you can do to support your daughter.

Stop pursuing contact with the father and his family. Do not give the baby the father's name and do not put him on the birth certificate. If you do he will have parental rights and could demand to see the baby/have time with it.

You don’t need to contact his family at all whatsoever. The father sounds like he doesn’t want the baby and will not be interested in being a real dad.

I wouldn’t contact the family again. The father sounds like he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby and his parents don’t need to have any contact at all.
Personally, I would look at getting support for your dd. Has she self referred to the midwife yet? There’s a maternal mental health team who the midwife can contact to support your dd.

I would leave the father and his parents out of it . He’s made it fairly clear that he doesn’t want the baby but if your dd does then focus on that. The parents aren’t responsible for the actions of their adult son so if they don’t want contact then that’s their choice .

Forget the father. Consider encouraging her to terminate.

Don't put his name as the surname. He doesn't deserve it and it's better legally

Agree. Don't put him on the birth certificate. It sounds like you are a really supportive mother. Be there for her and leave this toxic family out of it. Good luck.

There won’t be any legal case of any kind until the baby is actually born.
The other grandparents can send you ´a plan of action’ but you can ignore it completely until the baby is actually born.
I agree with everyone saying you should drop all attempts to contact the father or grandparents. Consider informing them of the birth once the child is here and registered.

Your daughter has many vulnerabilities and it will be very hard for her (and you) and that's without the father's family's hostility. Your daughter needs to properly consider if this is genuinely the right time and place for her to have a child. If she goes ahead, it'd be better to focus on getting her ducks in a row rather than contacting the father's family anymore.

The father and his family sound awful so leave well alone and encourage your dd to go no contact with them.

Where does she live and does she work?

I raised my dd on my own from a similar age to your dd but moved back in with my mum for the first couple of years. I eventually got a council flat and i worked from when dd was 6 months.

It is doable but hard but if your dd wants the baby then just do what you can to support her.

If your daughter wants to go ahead with the pregnancy then you need to support her. It could be the making of her - having somebody else to care about. She should talk to a doctor as soon as possible about support. Sertraline is approved for taking during pregnancy if necessary. Distance yourself from the toxic father’s family as much as you can. Manage without them.

Why are posters saying to look at the plan or contact the other family once the baby is born?

This is terrible advice. They sound horrible and manipulative - start with the thought process they will make you and your daughters life more difficult. Ignore them, do not keep them up to date, do not let them know when the baby is born, register the baby asap without telling them so he cannot be on the certificate. Block block block. They will bring nothing but misery.

Does your daughter want to keep the baby?
Can she provide for a baby financially and emotionally.
Does she live independently? Work?
Will you be the one left to raise this baby?

I would stop all contact with the bio father/grandparents, they are not interested.

I would encourage a termination depending on answers to the above questions.

I wouldn't interact with the father's family at all. Take your lead from your daughter. Let her know that you are there to support her whatever she decides. Listen to her. Answer any questions truthfully, whilst letting her know that (if she asks what you would do, for instance) you and she are different people and that just because you would choose 'x' it doesn't mean that would be right for her. Don't promise anything that you don't think you will be able to do (providing a home, financial support, child care etc.) , but by all means if you feel that you can help with any of those things then let her know.

Just be there for her.

Agree just exclude the other "grandparents".
Don't feel you have to do the right thing by them. Is there any scope that the father will pay child support? If not ie long term unemployed, just don't have anything to do with them.

That's exactly how im feeling. I have provided then an email address and told them any further crappy behaviour will result in termination of all communication . Both me and my dd have blocked them on everything.

@Mylittlegrandbaby personally I think it would've been better to not say anything further, a warning is just that, further communication

That's exactly how I've been supporting her. I'll do what I can for her. The fathers family have been provided an email address and blocked on all other platforms.

Have you had a serious conversation about whether she wants to continue the pregnancy? Just because her unpleasant ex wanted her to terminate doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the wrong decision, if arrived at freely by your DD, especially if she’s as vulnerable as you say, and had never considered a child as a possibility.