Soon to be a grand mummy but so concerned

[Mylittlegrandbaby]

Hey... my daughter is 29. She was led to believe she could not conceive naturally when she was 15. She was recently diagnosed with asd and adhd and had a very serious episode of anorexia 18 months ago.

We found out she was pregnant last month very unexpectedly. To say it was a shock is an understatement. It filled me with sheer terror for her and the baby because she's so vulnerable.

She informed the dad who has tred to financially bribe her into a termination. When she declined he started to ignore her.

I contacted the father's mother today and it was met with legal threats and telling me " they'd be intouch with a plan of action". Both grandparents were incredibly hostile and rude. The fathers father was unbelievably condescending. Its really distressed me to be honest.

On top of all of this I was a complainant in a sexual offences case and he was convicted 13 days ago so I'm feeling really vulnerable myself.

Any suggestion on how to deal with their hostility? They are literally horrific!

They are now blocked on all platforms and have an email for ant further communication.

@Mylittlegrandbaby fair enough, I hope it works out for your daughter and for you, whatever choice your daughter makes

I think there’s lots of good advice here, OP. Your daughter is vulnerable and you are feeling that way just now, but you also know that women and mothers are amazing. Many young women in difficult places have had babies who taught them to grow up and took them out of themselves. I know this isn’t the reason to have a baby, but if she gets good support now to work through some of the underlying issues, she (and you) will likely be a great mum. Agree just to leave the father’s family alone. They are feeling things now but have no right to take that out on you and your daughter.

This is so tempting...I don't want any of them near the baby. My gut instincts are telling me they are going to be a complete nightmare.

I'm not pushing. I sent one extremely polite and friendly message and got a barrage back. I don't want anything to do with any of them. They are awful people.

I have done everything to get her a care package in place.

Tell them this

We have exhausted the idea of terminationover the padt 4 weeks. She's adamant she's keeping it. Its her choice and I'm respecting it. Its a pity the father and his family won't do the same. They are now blocked, we certainly won't be contacting them again.

At least they've shown their colours before he's on the birth certificate. Sorry to say I think I'd tell them your daughter has terminated.

This made me cry. Thank you. This is my instinct around them. We want nothing to do with them whatsoever.

Can she provide for a baby financially and emotionally.Does she live independently? Work?Will you be the one left to raise this baby?

How is it better legally?

as far as I’m aware you can give a child any name you want, no name confers greater legal rights than any other. Call the child Bert Smith, it doesn’t automatically give a bloke named Smith legal rights, they’d still have to go through DNA test etc to gain PR.

obviously I agree that she shouldn’t give the child his name, but I don’t think it makes any legal difference. It’s not illegal to travel with a child of a different surname either.

him being on the birth cert gives him parental responsibility which makes a “legal” impact as it gives him PR.

We've talked the options to death. She's adament she wants to keep the baby. I have alot of concerns but it's her choice. I'll do everything I can to support them. I'm just having all the fears for them.

This could be the best thing that ever happened to your daughter. She may never have the chance to be a mother again. I'm sure with support she will be fine . The father's side sounds horrible , coming up with a plan ! Ffs your daughter is 29 . They are treating her like a child .

I did this morning before I blocked them

OK, it’s just that your username and thread title were concerning to me, because you seem very focused on a warm and fuzzy version of your relationship to your vulnerable daughter’s child, and on the unpleasant family of her ex. I suppose I’m also concerned that you were the one to contact the father’s mother, which seems weirdly infantilising to both parents of this putative child. Bluntly, is your daughter capable of being an adequate parent? Pregnancy and its bodily changes can be very difficult for anorexics, even leaving out her other conditions, and that’s before we even get to an actual child in the world.

I will effectively become a defacto parent. She will need alot of support. Although, she's surprising me with how she's managing the pregnancy. She's very sick and is being a champ. She's attending appointments and taking her folic acid. She's planning out what they both need and had created a spreadsheet with a budget. Fingers crossed that continues.

It doesn’t matter if OP thinks/knows her daughter will struggle to cope as a parent. Only the pregnant woman gets a choice as to whether to continue or terminate a pregnancy. I don’t understand why people are suggesting OP should put pressure on her daughter to terminate when she’s already dealing with that from the father and his family.

It's all very well saying it's her choice, but actually it's not if she can't manage alone. It's YOUR choice if you want to parent both your vulnerable daughter and a newborn that won't stay a newborn. Will you manage to continue parenting your daughter AND raising another one for the next 20 years? Is that situation going to be fair on a child??

Please trust your instinct.

I had a baby with a horrible man and everyone told me to leave him before the baby was born and not to put him on the birth certificate. I was stupid and thought maybe he would come around once the baby was born and maybe him and his family are horrid to me but would be good to our child, that it was cruel yadiyada. Fast forward today, he turned out to be even more horrid than I thought, he turned out to be a pedophile and re-offending sex offender, and my child and I are still stuck with him in our lives because he still has parental responsibility crazily enough. My life has been miserable ever since I got pregnant and it has greatly affected my relationship with my child too

Usernames and thread titles aren't the whole story. I posted this late last night after a very unpleasant day. I feel extremely protective of my daughter and grandchild. But I'm also very realistic about the situation. It's absolutely horrendous and it's like a void of conflict I don't want to enter into.

After seeing the baby on the scan my maternal instincts took over, prior to that I was guiding her towards a termination. The conversation around this baby have been heartbreaking. I'm just glad the baby can't hear it. Its awful.

Are you fucking joking?
It’s not OPs choice whether the pregnancy continues. Not in any way whatsoever.
OP can choose to provide support or not.

I'm not sure such a hard stance against the father and family is such a good idea. I'd be trying to calm things rather than make things more dramatic and confrontational. This man is the babies father, why get into a war with them. They might easily be in your daughter's life for years and years.

They are obviously jerks but they are involved like it or not.

Believe me, if I have to, I'll bring it up myself. It will be loved and nurtured in every way. It's not ideal but I wouldn't allow the baby to be neglected in any way. Is it my choice? Nope! But would I do it if it was needed, absolutely! I'd rather support them so they can be a successful little family unit but will step in if I need to.

If you saw the exchange I had with them you'd see it differently. I'd rather not speak to them than argue. There won't be a war if they don't continue being d*ck.