Fell pregnant to a one night stand and the father still dosnt know and my baby’s 18 months, do I tell him?? Please give me advice

[Mumto1xx]

Basically, I had been talking to this guy for a few weeks and then had sex with him one time and carried on talking for a few more days then things just fizzled out and never seen him again (I still had him on all social media etc) I had then slept with someone else a week later.
fast forward 6 weeks I found out I was pregnant which was a HUGE shock!! The due dates from the scans kept changing so I never told either of the potential baby dads that I was pregnant. I did announce on my social media that I was 12+ weeks pregnant and her dad (now I know since she was born) had messaged me asking if the baby was his which I said I didn’t know but i don’t think so, as I was scared and had in my head that I was going to do the pregnancy alone which was fine as a baby is a blessing no matter what.
From then until now which my baby is now 18 months I haven’t heard or seen from him as he had deleted me off social media a few months later (he must of thought I knew who her dad was as I hadn’t been in touch)
My baby is now starting to talk and is saying “dadda” a lot as heard from the TV, her cousins etc I know that soon enough she is going to start asking me if she has a dad or where her dad is and I just don’t know how to answer it and I feel so so guilty as I wouldn’t have a answer as I’ve never even told him he has a child and my mind keeps telling me to reach out to her dad and tell him he has a 18 month old BUT HOW DO I DO IT? WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM?

Either way I’m scared if he does or dosnt want to be in her life, im scared of him saying he dosnt want anything to do with her or just blocking me straight away as what would I tell her when she’s older but then I’m scared if he does want to be in her life for her to meet him as he’s a complete stranger to her and I don’t know any of his family or what they are like?
my mind will not rest at all lately and I know it never will as it is getting harder and harder until I say something but I’m just so scared either way.
please please help, give me some advice or what to even say to him ?

Hi! First of all, I wanna say how strong you are to be raising a baby on your own! I'm very recently single and almost 23 weeks pregnant and super scared about how I'll do it alone, so I'm proud of you for doing that❤️
Secondly, I would tell him, if he says no then he says no, if he doesn't want contact that's his choice, but Atleast you gave him that choice and if he wants contact, you could also come up with something that works for you both! If he says yes, it would be worth trying to make it work for the benefit of your baby, but even if he says no, your baby still has you, and that's the most important thing ❤️

Don't overthink it. Just tell him, be prepared for him to ask for a paternity test (which I think is fair in the circumstance).
Keep things straightforward, honest and apologise for not telling him sooner.

Thank you so much for this nice message! It’s nice to be told from a complete stranger that they are proud! Don’t get me wrong it’s hard been on your own but your baby is your blessing and everything happens for a reason. You will do it and your baby will make you the happiest you will ever feel there is no feeling like motherhood they are your little best friend, the only person you need in the world. But then I know when she gets older she will want answers and I feel it’s better to be done sooner than later even tho it’s probably the scariest thing I will do! Good luck you will smash been a single mum ❤️❤️

I definitely agree with this! I cannot wait for my son to be here🥰
I would definitely talk with the dad now while she's young, as Atleast you'll both get an answer too!❤️

This happened to a friend of mine but the child was about 10 when he found out he had a child he knew nothing about. Very difficult for all concerned. Please.do it asap so it doesn't end up in a big mess.

So I would ask myself 2 questions in your situation

1. What do I want the outcome to be?
2. What will I do if that isn't the outcome?

I would guess by the fact you dated for a bit and then it fizzled out that you think this person is a decent enough human being and it seems he did previously ask about whether it could be his so I think the most fair thing is to tell him.

Take some time also to consider that if he wants her in his life, you will likely have to give up some of your time with her which may be difficult!

Good luck and remember that whatever the outcome, the support system you already have made for her won't change ❤️

Yes, you owe it to your future adult child so that they know you told their father; even if he wants no contact. You can’t keep them a secret. I would find that unforgivable if my mother had done so.

Just rip the plaster off, if he won't meet you message him and put the ball in his court.

There are consequences for the child beyond knowing her paternal family such as knowledge of inherited conditions.

If he wants to be involved then that is his responsibility and the child's right. I would expect the first couple of years to be tricky and stressful but it eventually settles down. I would expect him to want to do a paternity test, you then to put in a claim with CMS and then to work out a contact schedule which at baby's age should be short and frequent, building up to longer less frequent visits. Initially at a familiar setting either a family members or a soft play area whilst they build a bond. Court was quite happy for DD not to stay overnights until she was four so don't expect it to go from nothing to 50:50 straight away, it should be a long process developing over time with or without court intervention.

Whilst your child going off with their dad is difficult at first actually you get used to it, it gives you chance to rest / deal with house jobs and other errands and generally get a bit of 'you' back if parenting alone the rest of the time.

If he doesn't want to be involved, we'll it's upto you, you should put in a claim for CMS as it is DC that benefits from it even if you save it.

For anyone else single and pregnant, it really is okay. Sleepless nights are tough but otherwise parenting one child alone is easy, they have one set of rules and you become a little team. The most challenging thing for me when DD was little was not being able to nip out for medication or milk etc if she was ill but Deliveroo has solved that problem.

He might be a prick and make your lives hell, your dc can reach out to him when they are an adult

Thank you for your message, so If he dosnt want anything to do with her how do I go about Child maintenance? As stupid as this sounds I only know his name and obviously social media, I don’t know his date of birth or his address? I know the area he lives but that’s about it? How would they get in touch with him?

@Riseandshinee do you have parents yourself? OP can't deprive her child of at least knowing who the father is. I mean surely OP needs to know too?

@Mumto1xx you may not be able to with that little information but you can try and he isn't contributing anything now so you have nothing to lose. You do need to give him chance to know he has a child and get his head around it before going straight in for CM, he can deny the child is his if they dont have enough info but then you go the paternity route I suppose

Knowing where you come from is a basic human right in my opinion.

I was adopted, my son is adopted.

Your ds and his father deserve to know about each other. It may go horribly or it may go beautifully. They will be er get that time ba k though, so tell him asap.

How can you be sure he’s the Dad? In his shoes I wouldn’t be doing a single thing without a paternity test.

Agree with @Deathbyfluffy - conception could’ve been from the second person too as conception/due dates in pregnancy are a bit of a guessing game.

I think the best option is to offer him a paternity test. Tell him you feel he is the father to your child and then he has the option to find out x

Either chap could be the dad, dating scans are really inaccurate for this purpose.
They need to do a paternity test first.
It's really important for your kid to make sure you have this right, I know someone in your exact same situation using scan dates and the father was not the one that the mother thought they were.

I totally agree and he can happily do a DNA test I would push for that my self too. But I am sure as he was a different race and my baby is his race as everyone can tell. They other potential dad was white.

I think he should know he has a child and you are being unkind to both of them to have done this for so long. Unless he’s seriously awful I’d tell him straight away by email, so he has time to think about it before responding.

I definitely know as one man is white and one man is black and my child is half cast, I am white my self. This is the reason why I never told either potentials as I know the dating scans/conception dates changed all the time and are not reliable as for the choice I made to do the pregnancy on my own as it was all too upsetting and confusing for all of us. But now I feel the time is right to make ends meet

I think you're right to do this and the sooner the better. Best of luck!

Yes definitely tell the man he is most likely the father to your child. He may choose to walk away in which case nothing has changed from where you are now. Or given the chance to know his baby he may choose to be an involved dad. Either way, he deserves to know he has a child out there.

Please don't use the term half caste, it is outdated and offensive to many people. Mixed race is the most common term.

And with situations like this the sooner the better for all, especially your child. Please tell the dad as soon as possible, and don't expect him to be excited or forthcoming initially, he might be but also may need some time to get his head around the situation.

I’d just tell him - it’s then his decision which way he wants to take this. At least you’d know either way.
As someone with mixed raced children, the term half cast is one of the worst. They ain’t half anything - they are fully wonderful!

I don’t understand how this will go. He proactively reached out and asked whether the child was his, so seems a decent guy at the outset. You responded to him that he was not the father. Now you are going to go back and say ‘surprise, I was wrong/lied/whatever’ and expect him to go ‘oh well, no probs then’🤯. Is he now going to be demonised if he doesn’t react well?

Yes you should tell him.

OP it has been decades since I have heard the word half cast. Please don't ever say / write it. Look into the history of it. You need to educate yourself quickly here.