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Original poster

Fell pregnant to a one night stand and the father still dosnt know and my baby’s 18 months, do I tell him?? Please give me advice

53 replies

Mumto1xx · 04/01/2024 00:34

Basically, I had been talking to this guy for a few weeks and then had sex with him one time and carried on talking for a few more days then things just fizzled out and never seen him again (I still had him on all social media etc) I had then slept with someone else a week later.
fast forward 6 weeks I found out I was pregnant which was a HUGE shock!! The due dates from the scans kept changing so I never told either of the potential baby dads that I was pregnant. I did announce on my social media that I was 12+ weeks pregnant and her dad (now I know since she was born) had messaged me asking if the baby was his which I said I didn’t know but i don’t think so, as I was scared and had in my head that I was going to do the pregnancy alone which was fine as a baby is a blessing no matter what.
From then until now which my baby is now 18 months I haven’t heard or seen from him as he had deleted me off social media a few months later (he must of thought I knew who her dad was as I hadn’t been in touch)
My baby is now starting to talk and is saying “dadda” a lot as heard from the TV, her cousins etc I know that soon enough she is going to start asking me if she has a dad or where her dad is and I just don’t know how to answer it and I feel so so guilty as I wouldn’t have a answer as I’ve never even told him he has a child and my mind keeps telling me to reach out to her dad and tell him he has a 18 month old BUT HOW DO I DO IT? WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM?

Either way I’m scared if he does or dosnt want to be in her life, im scared of him saying he dosnt want anything to do with her or just blocking me straight away as what would I tell her when she’s older but then I’m scared if he does want to be in her life for her to meet him as he’s a complete stranger to her and I don’t know any of his family or what they are like?
my mind will not rest at all lately and I know it never will as it is getting harder and harder until I say something but I’m just so scared either way.
please please help, give me some advice or what to even say to him ?

OP posts:
yousexybugger · 04/01/2024 02:17

The correct terminology is not 'half caste' and has not been for years. It is really not an acceptable thing to say.

You need to tell the father and get this out in the open. He has done nothing wrong that you mention. Be open that you handled the whole thing wrong but want to put it right. You both had sex and now there is a baby which he suspected and this is bigger than you. Offer him a DNA test if he wants one but the baby should have the chance to know both parents, you can't just play God. If this man refuses to engage then at least you have tried. Don't leave it indefinitely. You never know what may happen in future.

samqueens · 04/01/2024 02:33

You’re doing great, and what’s ahead is daunting, but you need to just ask: when my child is much older, can I tell them what happened truthfully and feel ok about it.

if he doesn’t want to know, that might be something you soft peddle a bit for a younger child, but to your adult child you can say “I reached out, I told him, I offered contact, I did it several times over the years - sadly he didn’t take me up on it, I’m really sorry.” Or you can say “I never told him, I was afraid of what might happen”.

Being a single parent is tough. Thinking through your choices (big and small) in the form of a conversation with your adult child can be a really useful tool and especially helpful on emotive topics. Sometimes there’s no right/wrong, but going through this process can de-escalate the immediate emotional response it’s so easy to get caught up in and allows you to think things through more rationally. (That doesn’t mean always doing what your child will ‘like’ but it can at least help ensure your choices reflect your aspirations/best self!)

It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Good luck

Hadjab · 04/01/2024 02:34

Mumto1xx · 04/01/2024 01:50

I definitely know as one man is white and one man is black and my child is half cast, I am white my self. This is the reason why I never told either potentials as I know the dating scans/conception dates changed all the time and are not reliable as for the choice I made to do the pregnancy on my own as it was all too upsetting and confusing for all of us. But now I feel the time is right to make ends meet

Show quote history

Mixed race. Not half caste 🙄

Agapornis · 04/01/2024 02:36

Half-caste?! Are you not in the UK? Because that is widely considered old-fashioned and offensive here.
Regardless of whether you're going to involve his father, long-term your child is likely to benefit from having some links to the other half of his cultural heritage. Mixed race kids raised somewhere very white often end up feeling like they're the odd one out or something's missing.

samqueens · 04/01/2024 02:37

(Doing some research and focused reading to help you understand your child’s cultural heritage in greater depth would probably also be a great gift for both of you - I’m sure if you reached out for support on this at your local children’s centre or even asked your health visitor to signpost relevant support you’d get some useful input).

JingleSnowmanTree · 04/01/2024 02:47

HoppingPavlova · 04/01/2024 02:10

I don’t understand how this will go. He proactively reached out and asked whether the child was his, so seems a decent guy at the outset. You responded to him that he was not the father. Now you are going to go back and say ‘surprise, I was wrong/lied/whatever’ and expect him to go ‘oh well, no probs then’🤯. Is he now going to be demonised if he doesn’t react well?

@HoppingPavlova

she told him she wasn't sure, but didn't think so. He never got in touch to be sure, just sloped off.

@Mumto1xx I actually wouldn't tell him. As soon as you do, you risk being restricted by him in many ways. Where you live, schooling, holidays, etc etc. Bringing them up alone, but with restrictions. Given he never followed up to be sure, how much of a father do you think he's going to be?

HoppingPavlova · 04/01/2024 02:51

@samqueens Your anticipated conversation only tells half the story though.

if he doesn’t want to know, that might be something you soft peddle a bit for a younger child, but to your adult child you can say “I reached out, I told him, I offered contact, I did it several times over the years - sadly he didn’t take me up on it, I’m really sorry

Surely the conversation would have to be “He did reach out to me asking whether he was your father, and I told him he was not your father. Later, when I decided to tell him that he was your father, I reached out and told him, I offered contact, I did it several times over the years - sadly he didn’t take me up on it, I’m really sorry”.

See the difference there.

oakleaffy · 04/01/2024 02:52

allgrownupnow · 04/01/2024 02:07

Please don't use the term half caste, it is outdated and offensive to many people. Mixed race is the most common term.

And with situations like this the sooner the better for all, especially your child. Please tell the dad as soon as possible, and don't expect him to be excited or forthcoming initially, he might be but also may need some time to get his head around the situation.

Agree totally .
''Half Caste''? Jeez...what are we in, the 1950's? - it's a horrible term.

HoppingPavlova · 04/01/2024 02:59

@JingleSnowmanTree What did you want him to do, keep coming back every week, month, year to see if she had any idea. It doesn’t seem he just sloped off, it would seem that after not hearing from her he cut contact, which doesn’t seem unreasonable. The only other options were to remain in contact for the next 18years in case she decided one day, during that time, that he was the father, or for him to go to court to order a DNA test himself, which could be seen as a bullying move. As a man, which option would you have chosen?

Dustyblue · 04/01/2024 03:00

Yes, you need to tell him OP. Be honest and say you didn't know what to do at the time but want to put things straight now. He can make his own choice from there, but at least you'll know. And can pass that info to your child when appropriate.

(I also flinched at half caste, please don't use that term).

Saytheyhear · 04/01/2024 03:01

Has your child stayed overnight with anyone before?
Is that something you're prepared for? A man that you have known for less than a week having the person you birthed in their home without you overnight?
Unless I was ready for that life, I wouldn't be contacting them. Children do have a right to know where they come from but you have an infant.
Once your child is verbal and has been left with people you know and trust overnight, then make contact with their dad.
Putting your baby's needs first is more important than yours or your baby's dad's.

Bournetilly · 04/01/2024 03:09

You need to tell him asap. I think it was unfair on him not to tell him for 18 months, imagine the other way round and someone kept your child a secret from you. Tell him now before DC gets any older.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2024 03:22

Saytheyhear · 04/01/2024 03:01

Has your child stayed overnight with anyone before?
Is that something you're prepared for? A man that you have known for less than a week having the person you birthed in their home without you overnight?
Unless I was ready for that life, I wouldn't be contacting them. Children do have a right to know where they come from but you have an infant.
Once your child is verbal and has been left with people you know and trust overnight, then make contact with their dad.
Putting your baby's needs first is more important than yours or your baby's dad's.

He cannot demand overnights when he doesn’t even know the baby. If he wants to be a decent dad, it will take time and effort to get to know them first.

He really needs to know now. It will be easier for you in the long run op.

Joeylove88 · 04/01/2024 03:30

I have grown up never knowing my dad and its rubbish but he always knew about me my mum never hid the fact he was the father. They were together for 2 years until he cheated and kicked him out but never stopped him having the oppotunity to see me he just chose not to take it even when id go to parties with all my cousins he would be there and not make an effort to talk to me ir ask my mum if hw can spend time with me. By the time he matured and had 2 more children and was thinking about seeing me (so i am told) he got cancer and passes away when i was 11 so the opportunity was missed. My advice would be to tell him he is the father and let him choose what he wants to do with that information because you never know whats around the corner and every child deserves to know who their father is. Well done for doing this alone all this time you are doing an amazing job!

Ohnoooooooo · 04/01/2024 04:18

I think the fact he bothered to ask if the baby is his is a big tick in my opinion as he wanted to know. Similar happened to my brother and when he saw the child and told me the child looked like him and could be his - it took him a few years to ask the mother the question and only then it was because he had rekindled his relationship with the mother. Que his daughter discovered as a teen her mother had lied about who her biological father was and she did not speak to her mother for a year and their relationship is still rocky.
I would tell him but as others have said make sure its the right time for you and your child - and in the meantime stalk his social media to work out what sort of person he is.

ohdamnitjanet · 04/01/2024 05:06

allgrownupnow · 04/01/2024 02:07

Please don't use the term half caste, it is outdated and offensive to many people. Mixed race is the most common term.

And with situations like this the sooner the better for all, especially your child. Please tell the dad as soon as possible, and don't expect him to be excited or forthcoming initially, he might be but also may need some time to get his head around the situation.

Bi-racial is better.

rwalker · 04/01/2024 05:24

How do you feel about him wanting rights and access to his child

if he does want to know he will then want access to his child building up to overnight stays

Josette77 · 04/01/2024 05:27

Yes please say bi-racial. If someone called me mixed-caste I would assume the were racially insulting me.

notmorezoom · 04/01/2024 05:41

Mumto1xx · 04/01/2024 01:21

Thank you for your message, so If he dosnt want anything to do with her how do I go about Child maintenance? As stupid as this sounds I only know his name and obviously social media, I don’t know his date of birth or his address? I know the area he lives but that’s about it? How would they get in touch with him?

If you can't find him, you don't get maintenance.......

ironedcurtain · 04/01/2024 05:44

Riseandshinee · 04/01/2024 01:16

He might be a prick and make your lives hell, your dc can reach out to him when they are an adult

Would never forgive my mum if she did this to me. He doesn't have to be in the kid's life if he's not suitable, but at least get his identity and awareness.

ironedcurtain · 04/01/2024 05:45

And please don't ever even breathe the word "half caste" around your child (or the dad!)

MistletoeandJd · 04/01/2024 05:51

That phrase you used to describe bubba is disgusting!.

Tell him send him a message they both have the right to be informed and 18 months there is still time to form a nice normal bond !

You definitely need to stop having un protected sex with people. 🤢

AuntySueDoesntGiveAShit · 04/01/2024 07:57

How old are you op ? I didn't think anyone under the age of 50 would have even heard of the awful term 'half caste'

JingleSnowmanTree · 04/01/2024 08:41

HoppingPavlova · 04/01/2024 02:59

@JingleSnowmanTree What did you want him to do, keep coming back every week, month, year to see if she had any idea. It doesn’t seem he just sloped off, it would seem that after not hearing from her he cut contact, which doesn’t seem unreasonable. The only other options were to remain in contact for the next 18years in case she decided one day, during that time, that he was the father, or for him to go to court to order a DNA test himself, which could be seen as a bullying move. As a man, which option would you have chosen?

@HoppingPavlova I didn't want him to do anything.

If he had wanted to know, he could have made contact after the baby was born. Given the baby is mixed race, I'm sure she would have said 'probably' & he coukd have requested a DNA test, he coukd have even if she'd said no not yours.

He didn't re contact because it suited him to take her 'not sure, unlikely' to be a 'no'

I have NO idea why you are going on about weeks/months/years.

Mrgrinch · 04/01/2024 08:50

If this is genuine then you seriously need to educate yourself on acceptable terminology, given that you're raising a mixed race baby.