Do all single mums feel this way?

[EmeraldTheSeahorse]

Just something I’ve noticed on MN as well as single parent groups, do all single mums not like spending any time away from their children? I often see posts from people saying they hate the weekends because they don’t have their child and they find it depressing, or their ex wants to take the kids away and they are distraught not seeing their children everyday, or the latest one an ex wants to have the kids on NY (mums had them every NY) and they are distraught not spending NY with their child. Now is it just me but I have never spent a night away from mine and I would love regular weekends to myself. I’ve never noticed couples saying they don’t ever want to spend any time away from their children and they want to be with them 24/7. Every couple I know wants child free nights or child free holidays etc. before anyone says there is no mention of abuse I would totally understand that situation but I’ve only ever seen it said because they will be bored/ lonely without them. Do you worry about how you will cope when your child gets older and inevitably spends less time with you? Being so reliant on them? Is it just me that feels this way. Is everyone devastated being away from their children?

My ex moved abroad so has them in holidays but I'd love to have a break every other weekend

I think generally speaking people want what they don't have.

When my ex had the dc regularly I missed them. When he stopped having them I was desperate for the break.

Not me. I love love love my DC, but I also love love love time to myself.

My EXDP has our DC EOW, so that's 4 days out of every 30/31. He won't do 50% of the holidays; during this last summer break, he had them for 6 extra days across 7 weeks. Current half term, he's having them 2 days only.

I would be happy for me EXDP to spend more time with our DC (as would they), and I don't really miss my DC when they're gone, as I always have so much to do that I can't when they are with me (one DC has additional needs, so lots of limitations).

Hmm maybe. My mum use to have my children and I never missed them but that’s because I was so exhausted I just enjoyed the break! And before I knew it they were back so didn’t get much of a chance. She won’t have them anymore now though unfortunately so it’s been 6 years without a night off.

Love my child but also love having the time to myself! Maybe if they feel it's out of their control (in terms of ex having them on special occasions, more than other parent would like etc) it feels sadder.

Would love a weekend to myself! Dd11 is autistic and not always easy. A chance to unwind would be lovely. Even the odd Friday night.

I prefer to have my kids with me. But then I don't recognise the "exhaustion" people describe on here

Is everyone devastated being away from their children?

Fucking love it! Gives me time to decompress and have a life too. still got domestics to do mind you

Solo mum here. No input from "the other half", no money from him either. He's in a different country.

(Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and just get on with it basically).

Agree with "You want what you don't have".

I have no one to leave my DSs with. It's hard, but I do love spending time with them.

But I suspect that for many women who have left abusive husband's they are so scared on the weekends their DC are away with their eXH that the DC are being treated badly etc. it would be really hard. It also drills hime what you no longer have.

It's also so much more pleasant go on a night out, come home, peek in in your DC who have been tucked into bed by your partner or a babysitter and then go to bed. Whereas when they're away you come home to an empty house. It would be very disconcerting.

I’m not referring to abusive relationships as I said in my post. It’s always about being bored or lonely without them no mentions of abusive relationships so don’t want to turn it into that. Also babysitters cost ££££ nice if you can afford them though! And then you don’t get a lie in in the mornings 🤣

There's a difference between single mums and lone parents which isn’t often acknowledged. That difference being having another parent who can take the child vs the other parent being completely out of the picture so you are endlessly on your own without help from the other parent.
I am a lone parent desperate for a fucking break, with no family member to rely upon.
If a family member did have DD overnight I'd go through the same feelings of guilt.
As for her getting older it might ease things for me but not very much bigger picture wise. I love her. I miss her every day when she's in school but good god what I'd give for a weekend off so I can remember being an actual person myself.

I have a 10-days-with-me-4-days-with-dad arrangement and that works really well for me. I enjoy having four days to myself (including a weekend) to do what I like. But by the end of the four days, I really miss them and are ready to have them back!

I suppose missing them could be a good thing? Makes you enjoy the time with them more? I struggle to enjoy parenting as it’s always so full on with never having a chance for a break to just rest.

How old are your DC op? I completely understand the relentlessness of it, but it does pass a little as they get older.

When they're younger you treasure the evenings after they go to sleep as that's the only alone time and down time you get. I was guilty of staying up far too late because I enjoyed that respite so much.

Slowly they start being more independent at home and you don't spend as much intense time with them and it gets easier.

Now mine are old enough to spend the evening at home by themselves, although I still occasionally get "when are you coming home?" texts from them because they don't really like going to sleep without me around. I try to go out on Friday or Saturday nights (when they don't have anything in the next morning) for this reason as they are likely to stay up until I get home.

But the intensity ramps up a bit as training for sports gets more intensive, they start part time jobs, want to socialise more etc and they need mum's taxi for it all.

I also like going to their sports games and supporting from the sidelines, I think it's part of building my lifelong relationship with them, they know that I'm always there to support them and I'm interested in what interests them. Sadly a lot of other parents stop going once they hit their teens.

Now I schedule time to watch tv/movies with them, sometimes together, other times individually as they like watching different things.

I watch them play sport, I drop them off when they catch up with friends and for their part time jobs, the 3 of us holiday together. We're a pretty tight unit and it feels odd when one of them is away (eg on camp or at a sleepover).

But I can see their independence growing and I'm trying to cram a lot in because in a few short years I won't be needed or wanted as much.

Same. My ex is useless and I didn't trust him or his parents with my children - heavy drinkers and constantly trying to undermine me and my preferences for how my children should be brought up. My children are young adults now but I found that I enjoyed being with them far more than being without them and didn't want "breaks" from them.

I didn't really want a 'break' from my children. I really wanted to live just a little. For example, my 40th birthday my friends and I arranged a meal out. Only I couldn't go because I had no childcare. Hen night for my best friend. I couldn't go. Wedding, I couldn't go. If I wanted to go to a gym class. Nope, can't do that either.
It got worse when they reached 9, 10, 11 ish. Before then I could take them away or out for the day but as they got older they didn't want to. 'Forcing' them made for a miserable day out.

I felt so trapped. That's what made single parenting so hard. My friends in couples used to take in turns for a little bit of downtime. Oh and to the snippy poster who didn't recognise the exhaustion. Working, plus not sleeping with a bad sleeper or a puking child with no chance for a nap is fucking exhausting.

No!
I coparent my dc and enjoy the time when they're with dad as a time to sleep, catch up on work and have a few days or nights out.
I feel lucky to have a good balance in my life.

I like dc's dad though and 💯 trust that they are happy and well cared for. I can also contact them and him any time including turning up for a cuppa.

So this makes a huge difference I think.

I love the time my boys go to their dads, finally get some sleep and me time and time to catch up on housework. When they come back 24hrs later I'm completely refreshed and a better happier parent for it 😀

On the very rare occasion my dd has been for a sleepover with a friend I have felt like a better parent the next day as had time to sleep and refresh etc.

@Gorka why the need for the sarky comment? It's bloody exhausting working and caring for a ND child who never sleeps.

No? I love spending time by myself and away from my kids.

Well you could have gone out. You could have used a paid babysitter. That’s a choice you made. I’m also a lone parent with no help but knew if I wanted any kind of life I was going to have to pay for help

I've been a full time working single mum for 20 years.
They started out going to their Dads 3 out of 4 weekends, but that dropped to 2 and 1 and by the time they were teens it was just as hoc.

Can't say I ever missed them while they were away. Enjoyed the chance to lie in, recharge, get some exercise.

They both left home this spring and I love living on my own now. I'm still in close contact and we visit each other periodically.

I'm 60 now and still feel pretty damned exhausted and looking forward to retiring at 65.

I’m a single mum and I live for my time off! I am a properly lone parent with no involvement of the father, my parents give me some respite and I wouldn’t cope without it frankly. So no, I don’t get it. And none of my other single parent friends feel that way either. I don’t know if perhaps it comes from the relationship with the other parent, the sense that they’ve got them and you haven’t… or perhaps it is just some parents single or not who are like that.

No. I love my ds above all things and if his df disappeared tomorrow, it wouldn't cause me the slightest issue to do 365 days a year.

But when ds is at his dad's I meet my friends, go out for the night, redecorate, not have to be the responsible adult. I can go clothes shopping, visit a gallery, just have a glass of wine and some olives for supper, do as I please.

Generally I'm fine either way, as long as ds is safe, happy and I know he is coming back soon. 🙂

Single mum here.

I too am baffled at the mums on here who are broken hearted about not having their kids a few days a month.

I do 50/50. I love it. It means I get time to myself and loads of time with them.

school days are always filled up with after school activities, dinner, homework so it’s mostly a chore anyway. ( even though I adore them)

I use the time off to catch up with friends and do the housework, so the time I have with them is quality.

I think it’s unhealthy to be so upset about the other parent looking after your kid. ( and I say that as someone who has a nasty, bitter ex. He loves his kids though 🤷‍♀️)