Do all single mums feel this way?

[EmeraldTheSeahorse]

Just something I’ve noticed on MN as well as single parent groups, do all single mums not like spending any time away from their children? I often see posts from people saying they hate the weekends because they don’t have their child and they find it depressing, or their ex wants to take the kids away and they are distraught not seeing their children everyday, or the latest one an ex wants to have the kids on NY (mums had them every NY) and they are distraught not spending NY with their child. Now is it just me but I have never spent a night away from mine and I would love regular weekends to myself. I’ve never noticed couples saying they don’t ever want to spend any time away from their children and they want to be with them 24/7. Every couple I know wants child free nights or child free holidays etc. before anyone says there is no mention of abuse I would totally understand that situation but I’ve only ever seen it said because they will be bored/ lonely without them. Do you worry about how you will cope when your child gets older and inevitably spends less time with you? Being so reliant on them? Is it just me that feels this way. Is everyone devastated being away from their children?

I should add that ex only does 20 nights a year so maybe that has an influence.

When the DC were small I hated being away from them, I never felt i needed a break from them for more than say an hour and I hated them disappearing for weekends. As they've got older I realise that this was because of two things, one is missing out on their chatter about schools and friendships and the other was a feeling of not being able to keep them safe or them being able to speak up for themselves.
Now they are teens I am happy for them to spend plenty of time away from me 😂

Oh and to the snippy poster who didn't recognise the exhaustion. Working, plus not sleeping with a bad sleeper or a puking child with no chance for a nap is fucking exhausting.

I can only assume circumstances are somewhat different! I have two jobs and am the sole provider and doer of everything, DS isn’t sleeping well at the moment and is at an intense age. I need the breaks just to catch up with the housework and life admin I can’t fit in the rest of the time, never mind having a rest!

Perhaps it also depends on the way your life has evolved, I have always been a very independent person, have a lot of other passions, had my child quite late. So there is quite a lot I miss from “the before”. If your life is a bit more family/child-centred perhaps you miss that time for yourself less.

I loved being with my DS all the time. His father had no access as he was seriously mentally ill and was considered a danger.
Had it been a normal relationship I would have liked DS father to have him while I worked - I did nights - because childcare was so expensive but that wasn't an option so I had to get a part time day job and was skint for years.
But years later we both have our own homes and are very close as it was just us for years.

I don't think it's a single mum thing, I think it's a Mumsnet thing.

In real life, every parent I know, single or married, despite loving their children dearly, breathes a sigh of relief when they get a bit of child free time. I said this once on here and someone came back with "I think that is the saddest thing I have ever seen". Which at least made a change from "Some of us actually LIKE our children"

I’ve seen it outside of MN on single parent Facebook groups, on one group I was told by someone that they couldn’t believe I wanted a break from the children I CHOSE to have 🤣 yeah didn’t choose to have them alone. I’ve never seen anyone with a partner say they dread their kids not being with them.

I am as independent as they come. Everyone will have their own reasons. When they were little I had infinite patience with them because they were little and I didn't mind dedicating my time to them as I figured I had had 40 years to do what I wanted, if I had to dedicate 10 ish years to making them the priority then I would knowing that that phase wouldn't last forever.
Now they are teens I do get more time to myself even if it's just in a different room!

I like a few hours off (baby) and LOVE how delighted he is to see me when I'm back! I worry for him that he'll miss me and those caring for him Won't comfort him like I can, but for myself I absolutely love just not being 'on' and able to
Relax and zone out. I keep staying up far too late as this is my only 'relaxed' time as during nap time i still feel on edge that he could need me any moment now. The only thing is if I'm out without him and see a baby I desperately miss him!

I think you need to team Ip with another lone mum so you can take each others kids for sleepovers when they're old enough!

I think there quite a big difference between not wanting to 'spend any time away from their children' and spending nights / multiple days in a row from their children.

Most people enjoy a bit of break when they are at work / child is in childcare / school / with family for the day / or with the other parent.

But I can see how spending nights and multiple days in a row away from them might feel harder (at first at least)

And I think that applies to people with partners too, I think lots of parents with partners would feel uncomfortable with spending multiple days away from / overnights away from their children.

I think only a few small amount of parents (single or otherwise) 'dread their kids not being with them' for every second of the day..

Given that you are a lone parent, can you not see how a person on one income cannot afford paid babysitters to go out? Not a fucking chance I could afford that.

I’m not a single parent and I wouldn’t leave my 2 year old unless it was an emergency 🤷‍♀️

I understand that. 2 is very different! Mine are much older.

I cried the first few times my ex had the dc overnight and at the weekend at his new home. I was used to being part of a family and doing things together the 4 of us and suddenly there was a lot to adapt to. It was very lonely. It was the same for best friend when her marriage broke up. I still miss my dc when they’re away with their dad but I’ve got used to it, am now in a lovely new relationship so my time is filled up with that. But yes, I understand why some parents would feel this way.

And the woman who didn’t want to spend NY without her kids the kids were 7 and 10 though I do understand if the break up is fresh, however dads are expected to just never see their kids for special occasions as the mum said she had them every NY so not a fresh break up.

I couldn't get rid of mine quick enough (in the nicest possible way.😂), but my ex was useless, a few hours here and there after school and no overnights, so I was desperate for a break. Had he decided he wanted 50/50 or extended stays I'd probably have felt very differently.

I longed for a break

i don’t miss my DD when she’s at her dads. I shop, clean, watch a bit of tv etc & I enjoy the time!

She only goes 1 day per week so might feel different if it was more!

The idea of it sounds great but actually when it comes down to it I don't think I would like a night away from them. I never voluntarily had a night away from them when I was with their dad and i certainly don't now he is gone as it wouldn't be my choice - wasn't my choice to divorce and wouldn't be my choice to then lose time with them all because he decided to be a poor excuse for a human being. It would feel like punishing me and none of this was my fault so why should I be punished? Appreciate that's a very personal specific take on things specific to my circumstances though

That’s interesting because I feel the opposite I feel my ex punished me by not having them so I have no social life or time to myself

I agree with you OP. I have EOW offa d I absolutely grateful as it hasn't always been this way between myself and ex. So I'm bloody grateful and he doesn't cancel last minute he's reliable.

I can't understand the mums saying they don't need a break and they prefer to be with there kids? 24/7? I think it's unhealthy and I understand some have no choice but I did it for 6 months straight and it was relentless. DS is a high energy child but even so I want to have a coffee in peace, go out child free even if it's just to the shops or to catch up with a friend!

Yep I got to admit don’t get the people saying they want to be with theirs every single minute of the day 😕 I can’t go anywhere or do anything without my kids, maybe they have support from family to allow them to do things alone if they need to so don’t “need” their ex? I can’t go out with friends without my kids, nothing.

I'm both a co-parent and a lone parent. I have a 3/4 night split with stbxh and as much as I do miss my two youngest dc (its so quiet without them), I also very much enjoy the break and not having to do school runs and the bedtime routine all by myself every day. I also have time to do hobbies and catch up on housework and I feel I am a better parent to the dc for it. I am, however, never bored or lonely as I have two older dc who haven't seen their dads since they were babies so I always have them with me. Although as teenagers, it's a much more relaxed vibe and I can go to the shops without them tagging alone