Do all single mums feel this way?

[EmeraldTheSeahorse]

Just something I’ve noticed on MN as well as single parent groups, do all single mums not like spending any time away from their children? I often see posts from people saying they hate the weekends because they don’t have their child and they find it depressing, or their ex wants to take the kids away and they are distraught not seeing their children everyday, or the latest one an ex wants to have the kids on NY (mums had them every NY) and they are distraught not spending NY with their child. Now is it just me but I have never spent a night away from mine and I would love regular weekends to myself. I’ve never noticed couples saying they don’t ever want to spend any time away from their children and they want to be with them 24/7. Every couple I know wants child free nights or child free holidays etc. before anyone says there is no mention of abuse I would totally understand that situation but I’ve only ever seen it said because they will be bored/ lonely without them. Do you worry about how you will cope when your child gets older and inevitably spends less time with you? Being so reliant on them? Is it just me that feels this way. Is everyone devastated being away from their children?

Mines going Thurs night until Sunday. Hate thinking about it. But when it happens I'll have plenty of other stuff to keep me busy and the lie in will be nice. You just have to make the best of it. I never sit at home pining.

My DD visited her dad during the summer and a week at Christmas. I really enjoyed that "me" time. And I didn't feel guilty about it as she always had lots of fun visiting her siblings.

@EmeraldTheSeahorse

I don't have a break from mine either - 2 year old twins and an older child. I work full time so i suppose that's my time away from them and it's a stressful challenging job. Their dad sees them for an hour per fortnight and I'll run around and do a big shop like a madwoman. I have no social life. Nearest family is 200 miles away.

I'm only a year or so post separation/divorce though. I suspect my feelings may change in the future but at the moment giving up any time with my 3 children I fought so hard to have (lots of losses and ivf) feels like punishment - I'm very much a control freak though and don't like to feel my choices are taken away from me - this being the main one.

I’m a single mum and I love the time that I don’t have them. I see my friends, do things that I couldn’t with them in tow, stay up late, sleep as much as I need, watch what I fancy on tv, work extra hours, eat what I fancy, go on dates, and very recently have been able to start using the time for holidays. It’s lovely and very much a positive of single parenting - I get more time to myself than a lot of my couples friends.

I think that there are a few things that make the difference for me.

Their dad doesn’t have them a lot (One night in 14 plus 4 or 5 full weeks a year) so it feels more like free babysitting for me rather than them having two homes which I would find harder.

Their dad is a reasonably competent person (although not a great parent) so I’m not worried about their safety and he’s a real Disney dad so they always have a good time. When they were small I tried to stay within a couple of hours drive but now that they’re primary age I’m confident that they’d figure it out together if they had a problem.

He doesn’t want them more so there’s no pressure/disagreements/fights for custody. In fact, given a completely free choice he’d probably have them a bit less so there’s no sense that this has been forced on me, there’s no court order, and I have control over when they’re there (to a reasonable level)

I am lucky that I earn well enough that I can afford to pay for things for me without it effecting the childrens quality of life. I suspect that it’s much harder to enjoy that time if you’re trying not to spend anything so that you can save for things with the kids etc

I think it very much depends on circumstances.

My ex has the kids one day a fortnight (day only, no overnights) and I look forward to that day so much. Yes, I'm missing the kids by the end of the day, and glad to have them back (probably because I'm just used to them being around), but the one day with no work and no kids is an absolute life-line for my sanity.

My dc go to their dads 2 nights one week and 3 nights the next.
I do for the most part enjoy it. And before we broke up I hardly ever felt like I was desperate for a break.

I go to the gym, see my friends/family/boyfriend, shop, do housework. I've even been the cinema by myself, gone on hikes, gone to the beach.
Tried lots of things.
It's made me feel good about spending time on my own. I was young though when I had my first straight after university so never had the chance to really live alone so it's been a whole new experience for me.

There's a big difference to wanting to be with them 'every second of the day' / '24/7' and them doing overnights / multiple days away somewhere.

Most people aren't with their kids 'every second of the day' anyway, if they go to work

@Ilikepinacoladass work isn't a break though. Some people need to realise this if that's what you feel a break is and it's the only child free time you get away from your child. Well indeed you do have your child 24/7. Going to work is hardly socialising for the mother... I bet the dad's don't think that when they go to work child free!

😂 work a break! I mean a break to socialise/rest/meet up with friends. Work isn’t a break!

6 years for me without a night to myself so definitely missing it at this point

Thank you this is what I’m talking about, like if I wanted to go to the cinema I can’t, if I wanted to go out with friends I can’t unless I bring the kids, can’t go out to the cinema with friends unless I want to sit and watch a kiddy movie, it’s about everything having to involve the children and having no social life at all and forget about dating 🤦‍♀️

I quite like my job and have friends there, so yeh it does feel like a 'break' of some sorts! And my point is most people aren't with their children every second of the day anyway

It can feel suffocating never getting a break, but being widowed l never had any backup, my children were very young when husband died. I had my very first free weekend in 10 years earlier on in the year. Young widows are unseen and unsupported in society. But at least l never had worry of them being with someone who wasn't capable of looking after them, like some women do. It got easier as they got older.

As I very very rarely get a break from my DD I am always delighted when I get a couple of days (or more!) off! So no way, I love my free time. I also love when DD is here but it's so hard going at times, more breaks would be lovely. Don't feel the guilt if you enjoy your free time!

I tend to talk about my kids all the time when I'm away from them. But it's super rare, their dad isn't bothered and in the last 4 months he's had them one night only and never during the day.

I wish I could have a weekend without my kids, I've never had that. Honestly I need the break. I'd probably feel different if I did get regular breaks but I don't.

I offered my ex 50/50, he said no, I offered him 40/60, also no, 30/70 also no. He basically won't ever have them, but goes around telling everyone how much he misses them to make himself look like a good dad 🙄 doesn't even call them.

I have loads of hobbies though, so I wouldn't find myself bored without them here. I'd probably spend the first day sleeping just to catch up lol.

That’s how I feel, I genuinely would have loved 50/50 to me that sounds like the most ideal situation! I feel like one of the only women who would have preferred to have 50/50. Ex would have never went for it though and has never once had them overnight in 6 years. I feel jealous of other single parents with involved exes. I also don’t get people that say they are bored when not with their kids it makes me wonder what they did before kids did they not have interests / hobbies / friends?

OP, it would take forward planning and the cost of a babysitter, but you can still go out for a night out/cinema/meal with friends. That's literally what a whole industry is there for. Coupled parents must use them too, or they'd never go on date nights.

I don’t have money for babysitters ex doesn’t pay maintenance I looked into babysitters where I am and the cost is just too much on top of a night out. Would be free if their father would have them so not really the same!

I don't like being away from my baby and my exP (who I like very much, we co-parent very well together) respects that and doesn't take her for longer than a couple of hours without me. I really rather enjoy bits of time away from my toddler - who I love more than life but he's relentless - so xP often has him for most of a day or picks him up from nursery and does the night routine at mine when I'm out.

When they're a bit older we'll do overnights at his, then weekends. It'll be glorious.

Also I should add I don’t know anyone that uses paid babysitters they either use ex partners or family. It’s not just about nights out it’s also about being able to have some time off from parenting alone as it’s relentless without a break just for your mental health so couldn’t really hire a babysitter if I just want to sit in the house and relax without being nagged every 5 minutes hearing mum mum mum! A weekend to just chill out / have a lie in / not have to cook and clean would be heaven.

@EmeraldTheSeahorse how old are you kid/s? it definitely gets easier as they get older. Also I find making peace with the fact I can never go out has been helpful. No way is the situation ideal but seeing it as the norm and unlikely to change is helpful as I have approached it from the mindset of getting the most out of my time in other ways - e.g. working on my creative business, getting fit at home.... sometimes I am so lonely but it does make me value my family and contacts that bit more. For me life as a LP is about the simple things - a walk with the DC, spending time painting, even changing the living room around, working on myself, my business etc - this replaces the social stuff I would once have done but can no longer afford. It's not great and sometimes so hard going but got so much easier now my kid is nearly at secondary. I agree babysitters are just too expensive to use, and don't bother. My mum took my DD for a weekend recently (the first in a year) and it was heaven.

I feel sad when my DD is away - as you do when you spend so much time with someone. But also we spend enough time apart. I’ve always worked so spent half days at work before picking her up from school and every now and then she stays with family.

Sometimes I need the break. I wish I had a weekend to myself every few weeks - I do envy the lone parents with coparenting arrangements that allow them to take time out for themselves as I know that my social life has suffered abit from being the only lone parent and work becoming the only “other” thing I do.

I have lots of hobbies that I can get on with when DD isn’t around.

If course I miss her when she is gone but I also need me time.