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Original poster

telephone contact with absent parent

60 replies

msann · 14/12/2004 13:06

ex wants twice weekly telephone contact with our two girls (5 & 7) hes only recently resumed contact (6 months ago) after 18 months without seeing them. hes taking me to court to get telephone contact...any1 with previous experience? any1 else who wud b against the idea like me?

OP posts:
hollybet · 14/12/2004 13:12

Would need to know some of the history - why are you so against it? Personally speaking I would love my ex to ring up our children - it's dd's 16th birthday today and I know he won't ring her. B"$%&^d!!

aloha · 14/12/2004 13:17

If he is seeing the girls again, why shouldn't he call them? Obviously it was horrible he didn't see them for all that time, and I would resent that too, but telephone contact is no 'worse' than face to face time, is it?

Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:17

im against it cos i think theyre too young & i also think that he'd exploit it by using the telephone contact to rearrange contact times/dates. i also think it would b upsetting for the children. AND i dont see why i have to ensure that i will be at the telephone twice a week so that he may phone them.... etc etc !

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Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:19

aloha: i dont understand y he wud need this extra contact with them? It also means that along with his sat contact i would have to b at a set place for a set time over 10 times a month.... i feel this is too much to ask .... as a single parent i do not feel that i should have to organise my time with the children/school/work/family around the times he wants to call up

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Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:21

am i being unreasonable? please tell me that sum1 can see my point!

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aloha · 14/12/2004 13:22

Why too young? Five and seven year olds can usually cope well with phone calls. My dh has spoken to his daughter every day (as far as humanly possible) since she was four (she's now 13). I assume they talk to other family members on the phone from time to time. He cannot rearrange times as that's between the two of you - you can make that clear to him. Are they upset by seeing their father? If not, I honestly don't see why they would be upset by a five minute chat twice a week. As for being at home, well no, of course you shouldn't have to have your life ruled by phone calls, but I imagine with two fairly young daughters you are at home at 6.30pm (say) most days. My dh calls his daughter at pretty much the same time every night. If she's out at a sleepover or whatever, that's fine. I'm really not having a go - honest! He seems to have behaved very badly in the past and I can understand why you are wary of him.

aloha · 14/12/2004 13:25

For my dh, the telephone contact makes all the difference in the world to the quality of his relationship with his daughter. We have her to stay every other weekend, and it just rushes by. By calling every night he keeps in touch with the little things in her life - homework worries, the school play rehearsal, her friends etc etc that make up an intimate relationship, and mean the weekend doesn't have to involve a huge catch-up. It is all pretty informal, and if they aren't in he leaves a message or calls later. Nobody's life is ruled by it. Honest.

HappyMumOf2 · 14/12/2004 13:25

Message withdrawn

snowmeltsonthebeach · 14/12/2004 13:26

Hopefully they'll enjoy the additional contact and I agree with aloha, your daughters are probably in at about 6.30 or 7pm in the evening. As long as he is consistent and doesn't get upset if they happen to be out at a friends house, I think twice weekly on the phone should be manageable.

Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:27

to b honest i find it a gross intrusion of MY privacy. it has been agreed thru solicitors that due to ex threatening to shoot me last xmas, he is not allowed on my property.....i feel that being able to telephone my house is an intrusion of my comfort & safety zone....

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gothicsanta · 14/12/2004 13:27

could you not set up a contract with him about what is not to be discussed with girls. I can see your concern but feel that is a good way for them to establish a relationship with him but obviously with some boundaries so you feel happier withthe situation.

gothicsanta · 14/12/2004 13:27

could you not set up a contract with him about what is not to be discussed with girls. I can see your concern but feel that is a good way for them to establish a relationship with him but obviously with some boundaries so you feel happier withthe situation.

Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:29

the thought of him 'entering' my house thru the telephone contact makes me physically sick with nerves & worry. No one seems to understand this

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gothicsanta · 14/12/2004 13:29

sorry posted twice and missed your reply - could he not phone them if they were somewher neutral or to a mobile number thta you have solely for the purpose of him phoning the girls

aloha · 14/12/2004 13:30

Well, OK, if he's violent or threatens violence that's a different thing. Good God, do you think he was remotely serious? There is obviously a LOT of history here. But they do still see their father, presumably?

gothicsanta · 14/12/2004 13:30

I can understand how you feel perhaps he could write to them via a po box instead

Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:31

bugger am now .... no one seems to b able to see it from my point of view! (and i think 5 & 7 is way too young to entertain mobile phones! and no - they do no use the telephone to contact family or friends either .. too young!)

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aloha · 14/12/2004 13:31

I think people don't 'understand' because you haven't posted much about why you are so against it, msann, or about him as a person. Obviously all that makes a difference.

aloha · 14/12/2004 13:32

And I am a little surprised that a seven year old is considered to young to use the phone. Not even to talk to grandma? My ds who is three talks to his grandma and grandpa on the phone. That's a bit of a side issue though.

Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:33

they see their father every other sat 9 - 6. on returning from visits they are ill & complaining of passive smoking (which he will not stop) they have also witnessed an assault (made by his friend) he threatened to shoot me at xmas cos i wouldnt let him into MY house with presents for kids on the grounds that he had had no contact whatsoever with them for 7 months previously

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Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:35

i think mostly it is a personal space issue....my house is where i feel safe, it is a place where i can say who can & cannot enter, & where i can do as i please. y should i let him 'invade' this space thru telephone contact. i changed all my numbers after the xmas incident and feel that i would always b on the edge of my seat shud he have access to them now

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Caligulights · 14/12/2004 13:37

I don't think he should be allowed to invade your space and your safety, and I don't think that your children should be in an environment where they are witnessing assaults.

What are the courts thinking of, allowing contact with this violent man?

Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:37

sorry to go on! i am against the telephone calls because i cannot see how they will benefit the children. they will have nothing of such urgency to tell him that cannot wait until their next contact time, i also think that they would use the telephone contact against me in a 'i'm telling daddy when he calls.....' way. this would b insufferable

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gothicsanta · 14/12/2004 13:38

I didnot mean for them I meant you had one that was only used for the contact. There is obviously alot more going on here. i understand how you feel that letting him phone your house is in someways letting him into your space I feel uncomfortable if I see my violent x but I think for your sake adn the children you need to consider if you have fully coped with teh ordeal it seems you have suffered and perhaps see your soilictor to see if there are grounds to challenge his request I hope you sort it out. My dd is 4 and loves to chat to her nans on the phone but I am there

Original poster
msann · 14/12/2004 13:41

up until now caligulights i have NEVER been allowed to present all this to the court - its they way the system works.. he has never showed violence towards the children, or use physical violence on me... the courts see it that it doesnt matter whats in the past - its the future that counts...but i cant see how he will bring anything positive to their lives....in the past few months hes subjected them to passive smoking & this assault...who knows where it will end?

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