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Original poster

URGENT ******please help don't know what to do********

64 replies

fransmom · 26/02/2008 10:24

dd has been with xp overnight, during which time he has refused to answer my calls and it is left to his father to answer or dd is answering (she is 2.10 btw). to cut long story short, xp is now looking for houses to rent (or so he says) and i have said that i don't want dd to go with him as i don't think it is fair on her traipsing round houses all day. i also didn't want her to go because his newgf may or may not be going and i ddin't want dd confuised. only now, at 9 this morning he has sent a text saying he has taken her to view a house (in a genteel seaside resort)about an hours drive away. he has therefore gone against my wishes, i have been in contact with my sol's secretary but don't know what else to do. i have visions now of him tkaing her away and not bringing her back

OP posts:
Original poster
fransmom · 26/02/2008 10:31

bump

OP posts:
sagacious · 26/02/2008 10:31

I'm sorry I don't have any answers but bumping for you as noticed this was sliding down

Original poster
fransmom · 26/02/2008 10:32

thanks i just feel like crying now, obv he has no regard for my wishes at all

OP posts:
KerryMum · 26/02/2008 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fransmom · 26/02/2008 10:36

i have phoned them this morning but just needed to get out the house, housewk getting me down and i just wanted to escape. oh bugger i haven't even name changed, he knows about mn. shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
fransmom · 26/02/2008 10:50

bump

OP posts:
Katelyn · 26/02/2008 10:58

Your wishes exactly. What about his? Do you have JOINT parental responsibility?

I know this must be an awful time but as a wife of a lovely guy who's ex also prevented (for some time!) me meeting his daughter I know how frustrating this can be.

If he has never taken her away before why would you worry?? She will have to meet his girlfriend at some point, as she would inevitabley meet your new partner - right?

I think, innocent until proven guilty. I'm sure he loves your daughter as much as you ....

Original poster
fransmom · 26/02/2008 11:00

i personally do not feel that it is the right time for dd to meet his new gf, he has only just started seeing her. put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if your dad kept parading new gfs in front of you? i am not saying that they will never meet, far from it, i do want them to meet.

OP posts:
Original poster
fransmom · 26/02/2008 11:06

.

OP posts:
Katelyn · 26/02/2008 11:07

If its a new relationship then he you ought to both agree something i agree with you.

Having said that, there is nothing to say that if he meets a new woman and is with her 5 years that it will not end and be just as upsetting for your daughter.

Lukily, i have a great relationship with my husbands little girl despite the mother and her opinions but that is built on trust between me and the little one.

Perhaps you ought to approach your ex and ask that his gf's are announced as friends and should perhaps not play a part in his contact with his daughter until such time as perhaps 3-6 months have passed and even then, they should not be 'intruding' on contact every week unless of course they are living together?

Original poster
fransmom · 26/02/2008 11:10

all i can think is that i didn't hink i would be on mn asking for advice, not that i was smug but i trusted hi to be amicable about things like this and now he isn't.

OP posts:
Tinkerbel6 · 26/02/2008 11:10

fransmom does he have PR for her ? I would contact a solicitor and voice your concerns and tell them that when you daughter is with him he wont take phone calls so you dont know if he is attending to her needs properly, when your ex is with your daughter it should be their time together and he shouldnt be parading new girlfriends in front of her unless its an establish relationship, chin up x

Katelyn · 26/02/2008 11:13

Thats more than often the way. He also is very frustrated with you saying 'I dont think, I would prefer, I think it best'....

Perhaps write a letter kindly suggesting that you sit down together and discuss your child and the choices you will make TOGETHER as her parents on her behalf, such as other partners, moving home, contact when with the other....etc etc...

WiiMii · 26/02/2008 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chopster · 26/02/2008 11:35

I know it is really hard, but you do need to try to take a step back. As long as he is looking after her properly, you can't really dictate what he can or can't do with her on his time. I think by trying to control his time with your dd, you are going to alienate him and things won't be amicable. You have to respect that it is his daughter too, and really it is up to him how he spends his time with her.

As for his girlfriends, it would be more reasonable for you to ask him to be tactful and introduce them as friends. I'm not sure why you think your dd will be confused.

He probably doesn't want to keep answering the phone neither, and I think you need to have some sort of agreement where you call say at bedtime to speak to her but the rest of the time leave them to it, and let her enjoy her time with her daddy.

I know it is really hard to let go, and I had the same worries. Keep trying to fight it only causes stress though, and you can end up with solicitors involved and all sorts of hassle, and at the end of the day you don't really have the legal right to dictate what happens when she is with him.

I think you should plan something nice to do for YOURSELF while you dd is away. Something to distract you a bit, and make the most of your time. Being a single parent is tough, and you will probably find that once everything settles down, you will be glad of those breaks.

WiiMii · 26/02/2008 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fransmom · 26/02/2008 14:14

am now upset agagin. i tried phoning to talk to her and when it was ringing it just kept being switched off and then it went straight to answerphone. he has just phoned me, whilst i am in the library and his excuse? i didn't keep switching it off. i wouldn't stop you from talking to your daughter. er yes you did switch it off, i know how your phone works you twit.

i agree with wiimii, it does seem that way. he wants things amicable but when i say we need to get dd into routine, he has go at me for being inflexible. i have been tiold by him that he has seen a sol with regards to his rights but i haven't recieved a letter - is this normal? although i somehow knew i would end up as a single parent and never married to him, i didn't envisage it being like this

OP posts:
KerryMum · 26/02/2008 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katelyn · 26/02/2008 15:49

fransmom

Why are you calling to speak with your daughter?

How long is she with your ex husband for
her visits?

glitterfairy · 26/02/2008 16:00

fransmom how are you now?

It is so hard at the start of these things and we all make mistakes. He will be making them as well.New gfs are difficult and need introducing not just with your dd in mind but also with respect for you. It is impossible to be amicable if these things are not handled right by either of you.

Once solicitors are involved everything gets out of hand very quickly.

I really feel for you. It is so hard. How long is it since you split up?

citylover · 26/02/2008 19:26

I think it is perfectly reasonable to call at any time to talk to daughter or find out from ex how they are esp at that age. She is only 2. Still babies.

My two are slightly older and I usually only call them once per day if they with ex but if they were younger I would want more regular updates.

Also if you are the newish partner of a divorced or separated man it is all too easy and quite understandable to swallow what he tells you about his ex W. Probably all should be taken with a pinch of salt! IMHO

I agree that some people use children as a weapon but some may be justified in not wanting children to meet new GF. I should hasten to add my own situation is not like that I am positively encouraging it but can see some situations where that could happen.

So I have sympathy with you Fransmom.

Jodyray · 26/02/2008 19:40

FM I went through all this with my ex. If he does not have joint parental responsibility then he must stick to your rules or any sol will wipe the floor with him. My ex also did the newgf thing with his current fiancee when they 1st got together, behind my back, even telling my daughter its a secret. He took her househunting and always switches phone off. Solution - he either books up his ideas when (3 times a yr) he sees her or i will instruct supervised access in future. Sounds harsh i know but last new yr when he had asked to have her overnight he left her with his mum and went out for the night in another county!! Sometimes it gets worse with exes before better...sorry

agnesnitt · 26/02/2008 21:51

Katelyn, any mum or dad has a right to speak to their little one if they wish and at two years old a wee girl would probaby appreciate the odd hello from mummy.

Agnes

glitterfairy · 27/02/2008 07:57

Actually agnes I was asked not to call in court when X made a big deal of how often I called. He lied about it as I had only called when they were calling me and crying over how things were going but even so I was told I could only call them in an emergency. This was in a case where there dad hit them so I dread to think what it would sound like if they were called when nothing was going on.

VictorianSqualor · 27/02/2008 08:05

I think that when your child is with an Xpartner unless they have done something to make you think the child is unsafe they should be afforded the same respect they would if they were still your partner.
Most of us wouldn't ring our partners that often whilst they had the child, so the same shouldd't happen whilst xp has them.
Obviously it's going to be hard for you but she is his daughter too, and as long as he is looking after her you have to take a step back and let their relationship be.