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Lone parents

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Original poster

How to get him to have them overnight?

59 replies

MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 19:43

I know you cant force someone to be a parent but I need to find a way to make my ex have the children overnight before I go insane. In 6 years he has never once had them overnight. He deliberately created a situation so he could not have them overnight, I don't understand why he would deliberately do that. I can't cope for the whole 6 weeks not having a second off. What can I say to him to make him have them?

OP posts:
Readyplayerthr33 · 05/06/2023 19:55

Nothing. If he won’t take them overnight then he won’t take them.

If you can’t co-parent and have a conversation with each other and help each other then there is nothing you can do, short of handing them to him and making yourself totally unavailable to take them back but he may call social services if you do that.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 05/06/2023 19:57

You can't. And why would you want them to be with someone who doesn't want them there?

And yes it's hard. And it sucks. And he's a twat. But you can't make him have them.

Justcallmebebes · 05/06/2023 20:00

That's hard, I'm sorry. Do you have family who could help out? My kids' dad was terrible and never really even saw them, but his parents were brilliant and helped out a lot

BreviloquentBastard · 05/06/2023 20:01

Absolutely nothing. If he's gone so far as to deliberately create a situation so that he can't take them, he clearly has zero interest in actually being an equal parent. That's why he did it, it's really quite simple. He doesn't want to be a parent.

I'm sorry. You can't force him to want them, and forcing them on someone who doesn't want them is deeply unfair to them. It sucks and it's not fair and he's a dickhead, but unfortunately you can't do anything about that.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 20:03

Yes I get the point about why would you force someone who doesn't want to but equally I don't enjoy parenting alone 24/7. I have family but they wont help with childcare no.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 05/06/2023 20:04

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 05/06/2023 19:57

You can't. And why would you want them to be with someone who doesn't want them there?

And yes it's hard. And it sucks. And he's a twat. But you can't make him have them.

This

lokijet · 05/06/2023 20:06

Im a single parent with no other parent. I hsve managed to do some sleepovers with friends and then reciprocated or look to find an overnight baby sitter and do somerhing fun. It gets easier as they get a bit older

Singleandproud · 05/06/2023 20:07

If you need time off look at local extracurricular groups there holiday clubs are often a lot cheaper than proper Holiday childcare. DDs dance school and her bushcraft club both did day sessions 9-2:30 for £12, local watersports Centre and dry ski slope do week long activities that are more expensive for £25 a day. So it's worth looking around.

You can't make him have them, you can work with other single parents though and do sleepovers to give each other a break.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 20:09

I don't have single parent friends so that's not an option unfortunately. I don't always want to be with my children like when I am sick or tired or when they are being difficult but that's life don't see why its different for men.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 05/06/2023 20:10

He’s a selfish twat, but it could be worse. My friend was desperate for some help from her ex wh0 hadn’t seen them for years. He got a new girlfriend and has taken her to court for 50/50. Court said to build up contact and the kids resisted because he’s an abusive cunt who didn’t feed them and hits them, but they’ve believed his story of parental alienation and she’s now fighting not to lose her kids entirely.

Singleandproud · 05/06/2023 20:14

What does help in the school holidays is to structure it and give yourself a plan and a routine.

I used to find out all of the free things going on in the area - summer fetes, open days etc, library and museum sessions. Then find out the pool fun sessions, meerkat 241 movies or kids club sessions
I'd right it all down on a calendar, we didn't necessarily do all of the things but seeing the options was useful when I couldnt think of what to do and didn't have the energy to plan it.

If you do something in the morning, home for lunch, chill out for a bit, park or beach in the evening (I used to take dinner with me in food flasks, microwaved jacket potato and chilli, noddles, spag bowl) means the children are tired and happy to mooch in front of the TV afterwards or sleep well.

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/06/2023 20:19

When does he have them ?

our local leisure centre do a really cheap 1/2 day sessions .

If he won’t you need to find other ways.

I am a Lp beavers/ cubs etc probably saved me.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 20:23

Once a month or less for a few hours. Last saw them a month ago for 4 hours

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 05/06/2023 20:41

If he

Singleandproud · 05/06/2023 20:44

If he is seeing them monthly you have to forget about him as a parent, at the moment he is a glorified babysitter. When you accept that you are on your own it becomes easier as you don't build up the resentment and you find other ways of coping.

Yes he should parent them equally but that doesn't sound like it's going to happy.

How old are your children? Any disabilities or behaviour needs making things more challenging? What exactly are you finding difficult, perhaps those of us that have been through it can give you some ideas?

everybodytidy · 05/06/2023 20:48

Honestly, in this situation I would stop contact altogether. The stress of his unreliability is making your more stressed than the 4 hours a month rest is worth. And the rejection and unreliability is awful and confusing for the children.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 21:44

I've contemplated many times about stopping contact because he also cancels constantly. He was meant to see them this weekend then cancelled but I will be blamed when they are older for not having a father so won't.

I'm finding it difficult never having any time to myself never getting to rest or recharge never getting a day away no social life nothing, doing everything myself with no help. Yes oldest two are autistic and they fight constantly its absolutely relentless the constant teasing. My son winds his sister up constantly to make her cry as he finds it funny. I need break from them. Regularly.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 05/06/2023 21:46

MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 20:09

I don't have single parent friends so that's not an option unfortunately. I don't always want to be with my children like when I am sick or tired or when they are being difficult but that's life don't see why its different for men.

It's bullshit isn't it. I fucking hate deadbeat dads with a passion. Where are you based OP?

clpsmum · 05/06/2023 21:47

MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 20:23

Once a month or less for a few hours. Last saw them a month ago for 4 hours

What a prick

clpsmum · 05/06/2023 21:48

MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 21:44

I've contemplated many times about stopping contact because he also cancels constantly. He was meant to see them this weekend then cancelled but I will be blamed when they are older for not having a father so won't.

I'm finding it difficult never having any time to myself never getting to rest or recharge never getting a day away no social life nothing, doing everything myself with no help. Yes oldest two are autistic and they fight constantly its absolutely relentless the constant teasing. My son winds his sister up constantly to make her cry as he finds it funny. I need break from them. Regularly.

Two of my dc are autistic OP. Can you contact the children with disabilities team and get some respite and see if you are entitled to self directed payments that will help you massively. Happy for you to pm me and help you with what I can if you want to x

OutDamnedSpot · 05/06/2023 21:51

How old are the children? Rather than overnights, could you get a regular childminder so that you can get out for a few hours every week? Over time, that person might become someone you could trust to stay over and look after them so you can have a night away?

sparkiesparkle · 05/06/2023 22:09

I'm a single parent with two autistic kids, and ex never had time for them until he got remarried. Now he still spends minimum time with them, but likes to accuse me of stopping access (he has refused to go to court so not even court ordered) he sees them for maybe two hours a fortnight, in my home, and spends the time trying to argue with me until I (politely for the sake of my children) tell the twat he has to leave so I can rep dinner.

I survive by by finding moments where I can be alone. Two of my nt children are teenagers now, so I can leave the house for around an hour to walk the dogs and they are at home with the other two how have special needs. Ten years ago, when they were all small, one a toddler, I honestly almost went mad. Slowly you'll find a way to deal with it. My advice is to build up:interests that don't involve your children and then you can maybe meet people. Also dog people are great, so my advice is to get a dog. Best thing I ever did. Love my dogs, saved my sanity.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 22:13

clpsmum · 05/06/2023 21:48

Two of my dc are autistic OP. Can you contact the children with disabilities team and get some respite and see if you are entitled to self directed payments that will help you massively. Happy for you to pm me and help you with what I can if you want to x

Show quote history

Thank you. I know it sounds bad but they will only take one of them I think so I would still be stuck with the others and it’s all of them I need a break from. My oldest is diagnosed but the other one isn’t he is waiting for assessment and that can take up to 3 years in our area.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxwellCat · 05/06/2023 22:15

sparkiesparkle · 05/06/2023 22:09

I'm a single parent with two autistic kids, and ex never had time for them until he got remarried. Now he still spends minimum time with them, but likes to accuse me of stopping access (he has refused to go to court so not even court ordered) he sees them for maybe two hours a fortnight, in my home, and spends the time trying to argue with me until I (politely for the sake of my children) tell the twat he has to leave so I can rep dinner.

I survive by by finding moments where I can be alone. Two of my nt children are teenagers now, so I can leave the house for around an hour to walk the dogs and they are at home with the other two how have special needs. Ten years ago, when they were all small, one a toddler, I honestly almost went mad. Slowly you'll find a way to deal with it. My advice is to build up:interests that don't involve your children and then you can maybe meet people. Also dog people are great, so my advice is to get a dog. Best thing I ever did. Love my dogs, saved my sanity.

I couldn’t cope with something else needing me if I’m honest we barely leave the house and only left the house 3 times in the half term as they never want to go anywhere. I can’t have anything away from them as they are always with me so I am unable to do anything that doesn’t involve them.

OP posts:
PeaceLilyCactus · 05/06/2023 22:17

I feel for you. It’s so bloody tiring being the sole responsible parent. My ex hardly has any contact with our children and it drives me nuts too.

No advice as I know from experience that if we had alternative childcare, we’d be using it.

Posters saying ‘it could be worse’ aren’t helpful and don’t know what they’re talking about.