How to get him to have them overnight?

[MaxwellCat]

I know you cant force someone to be a parent but I need to find a way to make my ex have the children overnight before I go insane. In 6 years he has never once had them overnight. He deliberately created a situation so he could not have them overnight, I don't understand why he would deliberately do that. I can't cope for the whole 6 weeks not having a second off. What can I say to him to make him have them?

@MaxwellCat if you are entitled to self directed payment this could cover the cost of childcare for all of them xx

OP I'm not saying I don't have bad moments. In fact a few years ago, my eldest son became suicidal. I never really relax. But, I find ways, just moments. I have to, otherwise I would go insane. And this would make ex and his wife so happy. I can't let them have that satisfaction. I really think the way forward for you is to find a life outside of your children. Mine are older now, all close to leaving home. It's something you need to do for yourself. Build a life outside of your children, no matter how small

And OP, I don't think you could have it worse. I did have it, and still do have it worse than you. You OP is just half of my life. The other half, which you luckily don't have, is fighting for the needs of you SEN children. That's enough to drive any parent mad, even the ones who have partners and families to support them. You might think I'm ridiculous to have dogs, but I suppose I was once much more desperate than you.

And it's even harder to take out your children for days put when two have SEN and can't cope with anything, and the other two are bored and frustrated.
It's fucking shit

Shit post @sparkiesparkle

You can't possibly know you "have it harder" don't kick her while she's down!

But I'm still here.
I found my way.
You need to find your's. No need to criticise me for finding mine. I might be pathetic, but I do what makes me happy.

You have no fucking idea @Workyticket
I have it harder than her, I'm only trying to help and she shut me down and that is fuming shit

Good luck OP.
You'll never change him. You can on,y change your attitude and work out what you want to do

I'm so confused I didn't say you was ridiculous for having a dog? Just that I couldn't cope with one as we barely leave the house we haven't been out at all today and I know dogs need walking a lot but my kids don't want to go out and are too young to be left alone

Wow are you ok?

Do you get universal credit? You can claim up to 85% of childcare costs. If a nanny/babysitter can be registered through an agency you can pay them this way.

@sparkiesparkle OP didn’t say that you were ridiculous for having a dog or shut you down, she just said she couldn’t cope with a pet needing her on top of everything else.

@MaxwellCat please ignore the ridiculous attack. This is your thread

You've done nothing wrong.

@MaxwellCat it is bloody outrageous that NRPs - let’s face it, men - get to opt out and it’s not sanctioned at all ❤️

It does sound really tough @MaxwellCat

How many kids do you have? What ages are they?

I went back to read my comment wondering if I had said something that could be taken the wrong way but no...

This mightn't be an option but just a suggestion. Could he come to your home for a weekend and you go out. DC with autism are often happier in their own environment and since it sounds like he hasn't set up any home to take them to would it be very awkward to have him in your space. Could you go to your family or if you could afford it to a cheap hotel/ airb&b ..anywhere to get your head together and chill.

This post is for the op. It's not for you.

Your advice was to suck it up and get a dog! Clearly it didn't work as you're still very angry.

I agree we make our own luck in life and only get one shot at it but I don't think the op is at that point yet.

I don't have any suggestions OP, I just want to recognise how difficult and unfair your situation is.

It's a basic human need to have some form of freedom in terms of time and space. When you are a carer 24/7 that doesn't exist.

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you reading a completely different thread to the rest of us?!

OP sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you - I used to absolutely dread the summer break for the whole year, and dread weekends too, to be honest. I wish there was some way you could force their father to parent his own kids.

Either parent can opt out - my best friend (a man) has his 3 DC full time as his ex wife completely opted out then ran off to Greece with her new partner.

Not common, but let’s leave sexism out of this one because it’s not always men 😊

Would he take one at a time? Not so useful to you (though a bit more chance you could find a sleepover for the other one) But might build him up to having the skills and confidence to manage both.

Does he have parents who might be up for having him and the kids to stay?

Worth seeing if you know any families who might do reciprocal sleepovers too - doesn't necessarily need to be single parents, couples might like a night out together and a lie in while their kids are with you.

@Deathbyfluffy

Good on your friend for stepping up.

However.

It's overwhelmingly usually men who abdicate their parental responsibilities to the mother.

I think the assumption that women should be unpaid care givers with no respite while men carry on with their lives, paying pennies in maintenance is the real sexism here.