How to get him to have them overnight?

[MaxwellCat]

I know you cant force someone to be a parent but I need to find a way to make my ex have the children overnight before I go insane. In 6 years he has never once had them overnight. He deliberately created a situation so he could not have them overnight, I don't understand why he would deliberately do that. I can't cope for the whole 6 weeks not having a second off. What can I say to him to make him have them?

This.

I would take him to court to put an order in place. While you can't make him comply, at least the children will know you tried everything you could to facilitate contact, when he tries in future to pretend you kept him away from them.

I doubt Op has the finance or the headspace for this

Short-term pain for long-term gain @SheilaFentiman.

I have two DC, one of whom has additional needs, and I am about to submit the court forms myself after my EXDP attended one session of mediation, and refused any more. It'll cost me £232 to make the application, and I'll represent myself. OP could save up over time and do the same.

Maybe. I was thinking more about the headspace to be honest, and I’m not sure what the gain would be, given he will ignore any court order

Perhaps I'm projecting @SheilaFentiman, however my EXDP is a master manipulator, and I know he will attempt to convince our DC that I refused him access that he desperately wanted when they are older. A court order will disprove that notion, given I am the one bringing it.

From what I've seen, a lot of men only come round to wanting to see their DC when they grow up and the hard work is done, then they try and blame their failures on the mother. But it's too late by then.

Some people won't ignore a court order if they think they'll get in trouble if they do that, so it could be the catalyst to help OP if her EX steps up following its issue. She'll be in no worse a position obtaining one (other than £232 down) and could be in a much improved position if getting it has the desired effect.

I went the court route so that, if nothing else, I would be able to show my daughter that I tried.

Be prepared for shockingly, appalling treatment by the court (In my case, asking ME what contact I’m WILLING to offer (wait? What?!, believing his lies about parental alienation and I even had CAfCASS recommending that social services should get involved if I REFUSED contact. I am not kidding)
BUT He does see her regularly now. (Just twice a month but anyway…)
And everyone in court managed to keep a straight face as he explained why he had so little time for her “I’m entitled to have a life” and “I’d have no annual leave left if I had her for half the holidays.’ Sadly, arseholes like him don’t know or care that the same things apply for you too.

It's reassuring you went this route too @NooNooMummy, and for similar reasons.

My EXDP used all those excuses in your second paragraph during the one meditation session he deigned to attend, yet couldn't answer when it was explained to him by the mediator that everything he was saying also applied to me.

It'll be interesting to see what excuses he comes up with when it goes to court. He'll also find it much more difficult to pretend to our DC when they are adults, that it was my fault he saw them so little.

The outcome I'm hoping for is that he spends much more time with our DC, and establishes and continues more than a superficial relationship with them. Bonus from a new arrangement is that it will also give me some free time to live a life beyond the 4 days a month I currently get.

My ex is the same, my DC’s are now older teens but youngest is severely autistic and is now on a 4 day week at a SEN college with 9 weeks off for summer holidays 😭. I totally get how you feel, not being able to have just one night off or a day out. It really sucks.

Is there any way he would increase child support payments to cover holiday clubs? Though I am guessing he doesn’t pay anything?