Terribly behaved children :(

[Mammabear111]

Hello
I have two little boys age 3 and 4 there behavior is terrible and they are out of control they call me a piece of poo hit me daily don't do anything I tell them and if I tell them to do something they don't want to they will hit me more and they throw toys at me I am so sick of there behavior it often drives me to tears at the end of the day I take them to the park every single day but even when they are out they be naughty but in public such has hitting me running of taking tantrums hitting over children throwing stones ringing and banging neighbors door they get plenty of attention and I show them lots of love they have lots of toys but break everything in my house and have broken 8 tvs I must add my four year old is waiting to be assessed for autism but 3 year olds behavior is just has terrible he has started to spit at me when he's angry they can be loving and kind and sometimes will be good and we can have a nice day but a lot of the time it's KOS when we are out they won't hold my hand and just run and don't walk nicely I am so embarrassed by there behavior a lot of it I fort mite be my older sons autism but either way I just want them to grow up sweet young boys and I want to enjoy my days with them instead of waiting for the years to go by I am trying so hard with them both I did some baking with them recently and all they done was chuck the icing everywhere and laugh I am so fed up I just want to enjoy our days together instead of there behavior being so challenging I have tryed taking toys away and telling them of explaining what they have done wrong nothing works the only thing I haven't tryed is reward charts I am a single parent and I just want to have a nice enjoyble days with my children instead of feeling so stressed and exhausted from there terrible behavior any advice would be amazing tonight I asked my four year old to not bring he's bike inside and he hit me and brung it in anyway :(

[CadburyDream]

What do you do when they are doing that? They've broken 8 tvs? I wouldn't buy another!

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

what Do you do when they physically hurt people, others and you?
personally I’d remove them, take them home. Send to their room. I don’t think removing a toy from a young child means anything tbh.

[Mammabear111]

I tell them no don't hit and I tell them to use kind hands and explain to them hitting hurts and how it makes people feel and I do take them home but bad behavior is a constant thing

[1of2]

Sounds like they’re teaming up and making you feel outnumbered and overwhelmed 😞 you’ve got to be strong and show them that you’re in charge, not them. Your eldest may have autism, but you’re still in charge.
I’d start by limiting what they can play with, if they’re breaking things. They know at their age they shouldn’t be doing things like that. And don’t be baking with them if they can’t behave.
Id also be telling them, no activities out unless they can behave for a certain period beforehand. And if you go out and they misbehave, straight home, no questions asked. They need to learn that unless they can start to improve their behaviour, they won’t be getting special things and trips out.

[Jas5mum]

You need to crack down now as they're only going to get bigger and stronger.
I wouldn't be taking them to the park at all if they're behaving like that.
They're walking all over you and you need to take back control. Take all privileges away. Buy a lock and Padlock if you have to so you can store it safely.
Contact your nearest family hub or health visitor and get a family worker to support you with discipline. A course could be helpful called incredible years(3-6). It will be hard but I know you can do it!

[CadburyDream]

@Mammabear111

I tell them no don't hit and I tell them to use kind hands and explain to them hitting hurts and how it makes people feel and I do take them home but bad behavior is a constant thing

Would be doing a lot more than that!

[snowlady4]

Oh poor you. This sounds awful.
I have no advice really; only it sounds like whatever you're doing, isn't working, you need to try something else. You cannot let 2 little children upset you and control you like this. .do you have any support? Can you speak to GP/playgroup or anyone?

[Sunny866]

Try the reward chart. It may make a difference. Also a naughty step or naughty space? No treats/sweets if they behave badly and follow through with it. In fact you have a treat in front of them so they know what they are missing out on. My friend did this with her two and it worked really well

[aSofaNearYou]

@Mammabear111

I tell them no don't hit and I tell them to use kind hands and explain to them hitting hurts and how it makes people feel and I do take them home but bad behavior is a constant thing

I feel for you, but agree with PP, you need much stronger consequences.

[Lemme]

Agree, remove privileges kindly as a start and then add back in as rewards. If the have adhd their little brains light up when rewarded (not sure if asd is the same). Also don’t be a doormat! ( my problem!) And have you thought you may be neurodiverse yourself if you have difficulty putting boundaries in place and consistently sticking to them? ( I was in a similar position and now think I have adhd but will not bother with full diagnosis.
be kind to yourself but def need to consistently be firmer with the kids. Good luck x

[Lavenderblume]

I do think you have to get strict in terms of stopping any fun activity as soon as the destructive behaviour starts. Even if this means you're constantly having to go home from the park and abandon fun activities in the middle of it. They will then learn that there are real consequences to their actions. Eventually the crazy destructive behaviour will then start to seem like the much more boring option.

I don't use physical punishment but one thing I will do is physically restrain my children if they are hitting or being very destructive. I would restrain and talk to them calmly "I will not allow you to hit me" or "I see you are angry but I will not let you break valuable things on purpose". They might get more angry but it passes after a couple of minutes.

Throwing icing around while baking? I would stop the activity immediately and put all the stuff away in the fridge on on the counter out of their reach. They can continue doing it with you when they decide to start behaving nicely and apologise. Or you can finish the rest of the task without them.

[Mariposista]

What are they like at daycare? Is it just you that they are so badly behaved with?

[Mammabear111]

I am going to start with no park untill behavior is good at home but if it's bad when out again we have to go home I just find that even when I take them home they will then throw stuff at me when we get home I usually take them out every day has my older little boy who is autistic but waiting assessment has lots of energy and when he is being good on occasion I find being outdoors helps keep him calm and he likes the outdoors I also like to get out of the house and would like to see new things with them there is things and days out I would love to take them on but I don't wear I don't trust there behavior were it's so bad right now but would love to give them new experiences I have seen health visitor about behavior but have made a further appointment to see her again and will be asking for advice I generally wanted to be a very calm parent and more on the gentle parenting side of things which I mainly have been instead of having to be so strict I just can't believe how naughty my kids are they are so loving sometimes and love lots of cuddles but they are just so ferral I also find that my older little boy will sometimes run of when he is made to come home right now it feels has if it's a bit of a night mare ;( I often feel guilty that they don't have dad in there life but they haven't from the beginning I often wonder if it's we're I am a single parent they don't listen to me it's almost like they take no notice of what I say it's definitely exhausting and not the parenting days I would like to enjoy with my children

[CadburyDream]

Nothing to do with being a single parent i don't think many people would let their kids act like that single or not definitely need to be tougher

[junebirthdaygirl]

I know it seems like a little thing but l have seen this on the Supernanny stuff...some parents use a very quiet voice with no sense of authority. She teaches them to raise their voice..not shouting..and speak very sternly only using a very words..like NO! Don't get into a big lecture or conversation. Sometimes it's good to say..MUMMY SAID NO!! And take them out of the situation..park/ baking whatever.
It's very tough when you are doing it on your own. Do you have family help. Sometimes a strict grandparent can make a difference.
Could you put up a schedule for the day so pictures from online or photos of them saying what comes next all day. Have the pictures of them doing the exact right thing so they keep seeing themselves doing it properly.
It's not easy. You have my sympathy.

[Puppers]

It sounds really tough but I can also tell how much you love your kids. I believe you can do this!

Some PPs have been very judgemental and superior without actually being able to offer any advice. You'd think the perfect parents would have more tips than the rest of us put together!

I think you need to keep it very simple for a start. At 3 and 4 they just haven't reached a point in their cognitive development where they can process lengthy explanations or instructions. They also won't understand delayed consequences/rewards either (e.g. if you're naughty now, we won't go to the park later/tomorrow), so you need to keep consequences instantaneous as much as possible. For example, if they are already at the park and they start misbehaving I'd give one clear, short warning (delivered in a sharp tone of voice) and if the behaviour persisted, I'd take them home straight away. If you're at home and they are throwing things, take everything off them.

Remember that attention is a reward. So if you pay them more attention when they're naughty than you do the rest of the time (easily done, because when they're being good we all tend to leave them to it!), you're effectively rewarding the bad behaviour. So make sure to give loads and loads of verbal praise when they are being good, and when they are behaving badly you need to remove whatever object they are throwing/remove them from the playground/take away the food they are chucking about etc with minimal interaction. So no big fireworks or speeches; just a firm "no" and then deal with situation without further interaction.

On the same note RE attention, make sure you spend a good 15 mins each day just completely focused on the kids, playing with them and with no screens. The more positive attention you can give them the better.

Without making a thing of it, I'd also scale right back with treats, baking, trips to the park etc and add them back in as rewards for good behaviour.

Good luck!

[Summerfun54321]

@Mammabear111

I tell them no don't hit and I tell them to use kind hands and explain to them hitting hurts and how it makes people feel and I do take them home but bad behavior is a constant thing

Well there's your answer. Physically hitting or intentional damage needs to be a time out in another space. They need to be instantly physically removed from play. Telling a toddler not to do something is totally pointless, they haven't developed empathy yet.

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

Consistent consequences.

As other posters have said, you need stronger consequences. You also need to be 100% consistent in applying them. That way you children will know what will happen before they do something. It sucks for you at first because you will probably have to abandon a lot of activities before you see results. But it is worth it in the end.

I also agree with what a PP said about voice modulation. ‘Please don’t do that’ carries a very different meaning if you say it softly/with a whine/whingingly/firmly/shouting/smiling.

[SusiePevensie]

It might be an idea to get this moved to the Special Needs board - you're more likely to get advice from people who have been in your shoes and can help.

[Mammabear111]

Thankyou Susie I think my older child's behavior is so challenging beacuse of he's ASD and I think my younger child copy's him were there so close in age would be nice to no if traditional consequences work for autistic children

[SusiePevensie]

Consequences, raising your voice, time outs tend not to work with autistic kids as well as they do with neurotypical kids. It might be more a case of figuring out their sensory needs (Out of Sync child is often used here) or what lagging skills they have - what they can't do - (Explosive Child approach). Yvonne Newbold gets mentioned a lot when dealing with violent or challenging behaviour.

Are you claiming Disability Living Allowance?

[Ilovetea42]

I have worked with a lot of kids who for various reasons really struggled with discipline. One thing that I found always worked well was positive reinforcement. Every time you see them doing something well or kind or gentle, tell them you notice what they're doing and that you're proud of them and they're doing a great job of sharing or whatever it is. You might need to start really small in terms of what you class as good behaviour. Most kids will like the praise and over time will start to work to get more praise. I also found responsibility worked well. Give them some tasks to do at home or in the garden etc and make that their job and then reward them for doing that job well either by a star chart or a trip etc. Some people also get jars and fill them with small balls or marbles when the kid does something 'good'. When the jar is full they earn a new toy or an outing of their choice. When they do something that you don't want them to do tbh I would question if they're wanting the negative attention from you as well. So I would actually be inclined to say firmly, no we don't do that, and then move them on to a different activity and distract them. At that age kids still need a lot of help regulating their emotions and distracting them gives them a chance for their feelings and their brain to catch up. I would also use a lot of feeling words with them and get some emotion cards so they can point at the emotion they're feeling based on the smiley face until they learn the vocabulary to go with the feelings. I'd also name it with them. I see you are feeling frustrated now but I will not let you spit on/hit me. Then move them on to a distraction and when they are calm and engaged I'd bring it up in conversation. How do you think it makes mummy feel when you spit/hit me. How would you feel if someone spit on /hit you. Its important we respect each others bodies. Rinse and repeat.

The toughest part tbh I think is keeping yourself calm when it feels relentless. I would have a think about how you unwind / what would need to change to give you a chance to unwind during the week if you aren't getting it now. Do you have a relative or good friend who could babysit for an hour even in the house so you could have a bath, go to the gym, get out for a walk with your headphones in. Whatever it looks like for you. I actually use my hypnobirthing breathing a lot when I'm feeling overwhelmed with ds still. It's not easy and it sounds like you're working so hard and are an amazing mum.

[Abcdefgh1234]

i’m asian. When i was a child my mum would pinch me if i behave like this. Not pinch in abusive strong kinda way but enough to make me stop.

me with my kids i’m not using pinch. But i’m very strong. I’m not do any gentle parenting. I tell them NO with stern voice and give my kids time out in their room without any tablet or anything. If they cries let them cries. They will stop eventually and wont do it anymore. My kids bedroom doesn’t have any toys or fun stuff there.

[Abcdefgh1234]

Also both my kids are autistic they are 7 and 3 years old. And they really are good kids. Very disciplined and listen to me. As a parent i am disciplined. Autistic kids need same condition all the time. They need routine and consistency. Consistency is they key. You Have to consistent on giving them the same disciplinary action everytime they do something wrong. And it must be the same thing.

[MayasMum0]

Entirely your fault…