Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

DD unhappy at dad and step mums

79 replies

MishaBukvic · 27/03/2023 14:11

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some advice...

I split with my daughters father in 2018. He (John) is now married to Jane with a baby daughter. He sees our daughter (Liz - age9) every other weekend.

From the early days of their relationship, Liz and Jane haven't got along. Jane thinks Liz has poor behaviour and a bad attitude. They will have a good weekend and then it falls back into Liz getting told off each time.

I don't have/see the bad behaviour when Liz is with me. They are a polite child, sometimes a bit 'away-with-the-fairies' but it's very rare I see bad behaviour from her.

When John brings Liz home from their weekend together, I ask how things have gone - the answer is usually the same "we had problems with Liz's attitude again, not listening and having to be asked twice to do things".

I don't often have to tell her twice to do anything, and I can't get to the bottom of why it's different at her dads house.

Jane has repeatedly accused Liz of giving her the dead eye. When questioned, Liz denies it . John claims he has seen (once) Liz giving the dead eye to Jane. Liz said daddy couldn't have seen it happen because he wasn't in the room when Jane told me off for scowling.

Liz says that she feels Jane doesn't like her. Liz sometimes worries about going to see her dad because she's is scared of "getting to trouble when it's not my fault".

This weekend it came to a crisis point where there was a big argument between John and Jane about Liz's behaviour. Liz wasn't talking to Jane, and would only talk when Jane was out of the room. Jane was hurt and angry by this.
John told Liz that her attitude must change.
Liz told her dad that she is getting bullied at school. Her dads response was "if you bring that up again, I will bully you". John has admitted he said this, and has admitted it was wrong.
Liz has said that her dad said "if this carries on, daddy will wish he has only one daughter, not two". John denies he said this.

It just sounds such a toxic environment. I am not 100% sure who to believe but I worry my child is in a bad environment. But I do acknowledge that kids can be manipulative and lie.

Would it be reasonable of me to ask that we have a break from Liz going to her dads house for the dust to settle? How do I get to the bottom of what exactly is going on with my child in that house?

OP posts:
winterchills · 27/03/2023 20:53

I would keep her at home, they both sound awful and they are meant to be the adults. I would say to dad that he is to spend quality time with daughter alone without step mum present. She does not and should not be there every visit!

SemperIdem · 27/03/2023 21:31

winterchills · 27/03/2023 20:53

I would keep her at home, they both sound awful and they are meant to be the adults. I would say to dad that he is to spend quality time with daughter alone without step mum present. She does not and should not be there every visit!

I am a big supporter of children needing time with just their parent, in blended families. I am a parent, and a step parent myself - I will die on the hill that it is really important for them and their actual parent.

My own partner seemed die hard keen on almost recreating a nuclear family set up within a very much not nuclear family at one point. It was stressful for everyone involved and both of us have 50:50 with our respective children.

I stuck to my guns over what I believed to be right for all the children, I think I am myself influenced by once being the child of divorce. Some aspects were done really well by my parents, others I’d not choose to replicate.

The hour here, afternoon there, full days out not blended are so important. It makes the time spent all together so much more enjoyable. Not perfect, because what family is, nuclear or not, but less forced and tense with expectation.

Nastyurtium · 27/03/2023 22:01

I am a big supporter of children needing time with just their parent, in blended families. I am a parent, and a step parent myself - I will die on the hill that it is really important for them and their actual parent.

I’m a step-parent and I agree. That doesn’t mean Liz gets to have her dad for the entirely of the weekends she’s with him, whilst Jane and the baby stay quiet upstairs or go out though. John should be having regular alone time with Liz but he also needs to be giving Jane a break on the weekends too. And it is important for the four of them to bond as a family as well, without Liz scowling or giving anyone the silent treatment.

SemperIdem · 27/03/2023 23:38

Nastyurtium · 27/03/2023 22:01

I am a big supporter of children needing time with just their parent, in blended families. I am a parent, and a step parent myself - I will die on the hill that it is really important for them and their actual parent.

I’m a step-parent and I agree. That doesn’t mean Liz gets to have her dad for the entirely of the weekends she’s with him, whilst Jane and the baby stay quiet upstairs or go out though. John should be having regular alone time with Liz but he also needs to be giving Jane a break on the weekends too. And it is important for the four of them to bond as a family as well, without Liz scowling or giving anyone the silent treatment.

Completely agree with you!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread