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Original poster

Ex coming to see kids?

54 replies

SpinningFloppa · 12/03/2023 23:37

Does anyone else have an ex that comes to their house to see the kids? My ex came the other day but he went through all my rooms including mine even when I told him not to, he also went in my fridge and cupboards and into my dining room. I ordered the kids some food and I didn’t get myself any (or him) so he asked me what I was having and I said I had some pasta in the fridge but didn’t feel like it so wasn’t going to have it. Next thing I know he has gone into my fridge asking me “what kind of pasta is that?!” I don’t even go into my mums fridge or cupboard when I go to her house and I don’t go upstairs or into any rooms unless told to! Is this normal? Just felt way over stepping I wouldn’t go to a friends house and walk around or check any rooms they hadn’t invited me in.

OP posts:
BlackFriday · 13/03/2023 13:16

Then you tell him flat out that he is NOT to go into any rooms other than those you stipulate and that the fridge is out of bounds. I'm goi g to hazard a wild guess that he doesn't cook for the kids once there so why does he need to even open it?

B0g · 13/03/2023 13:29

All the excuses you’re making for him-stop. It’s his problem to figure out. You’re allowing him to make a total mug of you. You don’t need to let him in to your house, or think of places he can parent his kids, or do any other thinking for him.

Tell him that him being in your home is no longer an option, he can figure out when he’ll be parenting and you will make the kids available for that pathetically small time period. If he doesn’t like it he is free to get court ordered access, which sounds a much better option anyway. Obviously shut down any whining or demands for you to solve his problems.

B0g · 13/03/2023 13:32

You have a lot of threads about this shit guy, they don’t seem to be helping you. Do mediation and court ordered access. The farce that’s going on at the minute is not prioritising your kids.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 13:41

Yeah and the general consensus has been to allow him contact no matter how shit he is so that’s what I’m doing. Was told it’s best for my kids to have a dad no matter the cost so if he only wants to see them at mine or only wants to see them at special occasions so be it. I won’t be stopping it I just wondered if it was normal to look around people’s houses or go into fridges and cupboards, I don’t do that in my own families homes but maybe I’m the odd one.

OP posts:
thedogsmum · 13/03/2023 13:54

If you really want to take responsibility for arranging all the access visits, and you think they have to be in your house sometimes then as a pp suggested, put a lock on the door to your room and I think you just to accept that he eats with the kids, so whatever you make for them just make

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 13:56

Yeah I will do the lock thing. I ordered a take away for the kids as it was a birthday treat for them I wasn’t going to order him any food (didn’t even order myself any!) that’s why he had no need to look in the fridge as kids had eaten.

OP posts:
Onemyownhere · 13/03/2023 14:04

My ex doesn't see my son in my house, his an ex for a reason. We meet in the community and he has always stuck to the time and date which suites around both our schedules

Onemyownhere · 13/03/2023 14:06

There is places out in the community u can take the kids where u can just sit and observe.He doesn't have to be in ur house

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2023 14:12

the general consensus has been to allow him contact no matter how shit he is

That's not the same as 'facilitate every aspect of it when he can't be arsed'. Yes to allow. No to being a doormat.

Fraaahnces · 13/03/2023 14:15

Do you leave him alone with them or just patiently allow him to mark his territory? I would email him (or text him) “Before you come and see the kids next, I am going to explain some ground rules. I want you to consider them very carefully and a commitment to adhere to these simple things, I can’t continue to facilitate your access in my home.

  1. If you wish to come to my home to visit our kids, you will agree to stick to the living room and common bathroom area only, and garden on days with nicer weather.

  2. You will never go into my bedroom or bathroom again.

  3. You will provide your own food. You do not have permission to help yourself to any food I have purchased for myself and the children. I provide food only for the children and for myself, not for you.

  4. You will acknowledge that having you in my home is both inconvenient and intrusive and you will treat me with respect and gratitude whenever you are in my home.

  5. You will return a copy of this document within a week, with a signed, dated agreement acknowledging that you understand and agree that if you do not follow these rules in my home, you will be asked to leave the premises immediately, and you will then become responsible for securing and paying for a suitable alternative access area, ie, contact centre.

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 14:23

SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 13:41

Yeah and the general consensus has been to allow him contact no matter how shit he is so that’s what I’m doing. Was told it’s best for my kids to have a dad no matter the cost so if he only wants to see them at mine or only wants to see them at special occasions so be it. I won’t be stopping it I just wondered if it was normal to look around people’s houses or go into fridges and cupboards, I don’t do that in my own families homes but maybe I’m the odd one.

General consensus from whom? Certainly not on here. I’ve seen your threads and the responses you’ve received and they’ve said what we’re saying here.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 14:25

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 14:23

General consensus from whom? Certainly not on here. I’ve seen your threads and the responses you’ve received and they’ve said what we’re saying here.

Show quote history

It absolutely has been said on here

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2023 14:29

To ALLOW access. Not to allow a disrespectful man to metaphorically pee in the corners of your house.

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 14:38

SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 14:25

It absolutely has been said on here

Show quote history

It has not been the ‘general consensus’ though, has it? Your threads are still up, as are the responses. Perhaps read through them again?

Why are so reluctant to stand up for yourself and put boundaries in place?

TomatoSandwiches · 13/03/2023 14:46

You know it isn't normal behaviour, how could anyone think it was?

NameChangePoP · 13/03/2023 15:02

No this isn't normal behaviour, but unless you actually tell him to stop he will continue to exert this control over you.

You have 2 choices:

  1. You tell him that you are no longer comfortable facilitating contact at your home, and moving forwards it needs to be at a mutually agreed time and place outside of your house.

  2. You tell him that if he ever looks through your home again, including bedrooms, fridge and anywhere other than the living room, you will no longer allow him in your home. Also tell him that he is responsible for feeding himself like the grown up man he's supposed to be.

Stop being a doormat OP, and show your children how to put boundaries in place.

B0g · 13/03/2023 15:19

Allow the loser to have contact with the kids when it prioritises them does not mean allow the loser to make a complete mug of you.

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 15:57

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4750057-to-stop-contact-with-dc-father

And these are just a teeny tiny fraction of your posts about this man. I couldn’t even get through them all. Frankly, continuing to allow him to dip in and out of their lives (particularly your DD) is irresponsible parenting. Do better for your kids.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 15:59

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4716809-is-it-always-beneficial

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 16:10

SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 15:59

Did you actually read the responses on that thread? Including the ones that stated you’d have had different responses if you’d been upfront about your situation? Or have you fixated on the people who told you what you seem to want to hear?

Did you read the responses on your many many other threads, some of which I’ve linked?

Are you reading the responses on this thread?

Allow him contact if you must. That doesn’t mean you need to tie yourself in knots to facilitate it. Even on the one thread you carefully selected to post nobody advised this. It most certainly is not the ‘general consensus’.

People are telling you that need to up for yourself and your children and stop letting him treat you like this. Over and over and over. Why are you so unwilling to do so?

Onemyownhere · 13/03/2023 16:24

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 15:57

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4750057-to-stop-contact-with-dc-father

And these are just a teeny tiny fraction of your posts about this man. I couldn’t even get through them all. Frankly, continuing to allow him to dip in and out of their lives (particularly your DD) is irresponsible parenting. Do better for your kids.

Wow, no disrespect, but op is clearly not taking on board any advise.. I don't get why she is continuing to still post about him it on mumsnet if that is the case

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 16:36

I never asked if I should allow him to come or not, he is going to keep seeing them at my house for as long as he wants even if he only wants to see them once a year, better than nothing. Just wondered if it was normal to go through the house. But I will get locks to stop that.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 16:38

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 15:57

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4750057-to-stop-contact-with-dc-father

And these are just a teeny tiny fraction of your posts about this man. I couldn’t even get through them all. Frankly, continuing to allow him to dip in and out of their lives (particularly your DD) is irresponsible parenting. Do better for your kids.

  • https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4759065-to-say-something-to-ex-about-this?reply=124514049
  • https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4750444-dd-upset-about-contact-with-her-father
  • https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4750057-to-stop-contact-with-dc-father
  • https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4751413-to-think-many-women-dont-want-their-ex-involved
  • https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lone_parents/4747981-ex-doesnt-want-to-see-children
  • https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4742381-too-upset-to-see-children

As some of the links didn’t work, first time round.

AlmostaMamma · 13/03/2023 16:42

SpinningFloppa · 13/03/2023 16:36

I never asked if I should allow him to come or not, he is going to keep seeing them at my house for as long as he wants even if he only wants to see them once a year, better than nothing. Just wondered if it was normal to go through the house. But I will get locks to stop that.

he is going to keep seeing them at my house for as long as he wants

Why?

Just wondered if it was normal to go through the house.

It’s obviously not and you knew that before you posted.

But I will get locks to stop that.

You insist on allowing access to your home and are so unable (unwilling?) to stand up for yourself, that you think getting locks instead is a a rational solution. How do you not see that this is mad?

Onemyownhere · 13/03/2023 16:53

Okay then thats ur decision get locks in ur own home just so he can see ur kids in ur home, u are enabling his behaviour, sounds like u want to get back with him

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