Is it always beneficial?

[SpinningFloppa]

Is contact always beneficial for a child/ren no matter how rubbish the other parent is (not talking about cases of abuse) but say if a parent was only popping in every few months? Or less, is it always in the child’s best interest to see the other parent no matter how rubbish the contact is?

The child needs to know who their parent is, and work out themselves that they are unreliable and/or useless without their other parent's input.

I was that child and so were some of my adult friends.

Yes I’ve heard others say the opposite that they was the child and would rather their mum stopped allowing it so just trying to figure it out

I would say depending on childs age during break up. If child is 7, they can decide for themselves if they wanna see other parent once in a few months, but I think they need explaining also that the other parent doesn't want to be more involved. If child is 1 I think it's disruptive and damaging to them, as the other parent is basically a stranger. Seriously, I won't ever be able to understand how someone might not want to see their childern.

Children aged between 5-11.

I would suggest that the contact is beneficial to be offered, as long as when it takes place it is generally positive. If the kids don’t want it, I’d respect that.

I think the way they talk about and understand the contact is key. So making sure they have a clear understanding of what is happening and why, so that they can contextualise what is going on in their lives. If children don’t understand what is happening, they will usually come up with their own explanations. Children are very self centred so their explanations will often be along the lines of “daddy doesn’t see me very often because I am bad/unloveable”, rather than “daddy is often poorly and this stops him from seeing me very much”.

Children have the right to a relationship with their parents

Before age 12 (generally) not old enough to decide. After age 12 their views need greater consideration and as they get older take primary importance.

So a father popping up once / twice a year is definitely beneficial? Better than nothing at all? This will be for a few hours at most as he has never had the kids anymore than that and isn’t willing to. Just feel like this inconsistency isn’t benefiting them but happy to be told otherwise

So a father popping up once / twice a year is definitely beneficial? Better than nothing at all?

Yes.

You clearly have never met people who have not known who one or both of their biological parents were until they were adults.

This will be for a few hours at most as he has never had the kids anymore than that and isn’t willing to. Just feel like this inconsistency isn’t benefiting them but happy to be told otherwise

He isn't being inconsistent if he turns up when he says he is once or twice a year, and it is only for a few hours.

He is being inconsistent if he cancels repeatedly at the last moment. Even then the fact that he does that, shows them who he is.

It would actually cause you and them more problems if you stopped him contacting them, he turned up when they were 16, he told them you prevented contact and he said they could live with him.

I’ve read your other threads and you say your children want to see him and idolise him / think he is the best thing ever so I would let them figure out who he is by themselves, they will end up resenting you if you don’t.

Like I said, I’ve read your threads & my partner could have been one of your children (very similar childhood situation) and in their case MIL cut contact before they saw for themselves who their father was and to this day, it’s severely damaged their relationship with her so I would tread very carefully.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but are you 100% thinking about the best interests of the children here or is there a possibility that you’re letting your (very understandable) resentment and dislike for your (waste of space) ex influence you? I only ask this because although you say you’re happy to be told otherwise, you keep changing how often he actually he sees them & I’m wondering if it’s to influence people’s answers. In your thread last week, you said he saw them for a few hours every few weeks, in your OP you say he pops in every few months & when posters replied saying they would allow contact, your update then reduced it further to only once or twice a year. It seems you’re changing information to maybe get the answer you want although I’m happy to be told I’m wrong.

He does do that, he was meant to come on my child’s birthday then didn’t show up, he told my child he was coming and just didn’t show up and didn’t see them for 2 years after that, he has only recently seen them again (once) but again seems to have made no plans to see them again anytime soon, So yes believe me he is very much inconsistent!

A parent who is supposed to turn up every Saturday and sometimes does and sometimes doesn't is better out of the picture imo.

A parent who visits once or twice a year (birthday? Christmas?) isn't disappointing the child like the first paragraph assuming that they aren't lying to the kid "I wish you could live with me" "Your mum doesn't let me visit more"

Is the child old enough to ask and do they know why it's only once or twice a year ? If dad lives overseas and can only afford once or twice a year then that's very different to he lives nearby but can only be arsed to come round with a gift for birthday and Christmas. Is contact hours or days? A week with the dad who lives overseas is very different to a couple of hours at softplay with the dad who lives locally.

Having read your updates, the inconsistencies are a massive shame- especially as your oldest may have their own phone so be aware that he's making promises that he's not keeping.
A promise to visit on a birthday then no contact for 2 years is heartbreaking

Ive had constant mixed messages on my threads when I post about something else I will be asked why I’m letting him see them again, 🤔 he last saw them just before Xmas and has not asked to see them again since so it’s clear he is not planning any type of regular contact, I would think after not seeing kids for 2 years you would want to see them more, this weekend will be the 3rd week he hasn’t seen them so he’s not even aiming for eow I think after 2 years nc I would be wanting to have regular contact if it was me, my youngest acts like he is the best thing ever my older ones aren’t too fussed either way but have made comments about him “disappearing again” and to be clear we broke up 5/6 years ago the first year he didn’t see them at all, he saw them again after a year and saw them every couple of months, he then disappeared again for a year, then saw them again for a few months then disappeared again if you’ve seen my old posts you will know he hasn’t seen them for 2 years but now he’s back in contact it looks like he won’t even be seeing them eow so once a month, once every few months, twice a year, once a year, no idea what his plans are!

No we both live in London, he just doesn’t care if he sees them or not unfortunately

I think your answers would have been different if it was clear in your first post that he was making arrangements with them and then letting them down. It's awful when dads treat their child like a toy they can pick up and put down as they chose.

True but I just wanted general answers, I have no idea what my exes plans are just that he is still showing me he is not willing to be consistent hence me saying every few months 1/2 a year as I don’t know but all I can see is he isn’t planning to be consistent, he also told my children before Xmas he would come down on New Year’s Eve (I said we could talk about it closer to the time as I didn’t want to make any definite plans and him not show up) but just never heard from him again about it.

I would think after not seeing kids for 2 years you would want to see them more, this weekend will be the 3rd week he hasn’t seen them so he’s not even aiming for eow I think after 2 years nc I would be wanting to have regular contact if it was me,

You aren't him. So you can't think like he does.

my youngest acts like he is the best thing ever my older ones aren’t too fussed either way but have made comments about him “disappearing again”

So your older ones are beginning to know who he is. The younger one will get there.

I think it’s not that it’s beneficial in that it’s going to be nice for them, but it is beneficial in that they get to see the truth of the parent and hopefully if they have at least one present, caring parent who can be with them through the pain of the lack of attention, the grief and loss of that - ultimately going through that process is beneficial.

Pain isn’t the worst thing. The avoidance and denial of pain is worse.

So I think it’s more damaging for the present and caring parent to deny the child’s right to go through the pain that the more absent parent might cause.

My kids dad sees them a maximum of one day every 2 weeks (sometimes he can go a month inbetween visits, and initially, he disappeared for nearly a year, so youngest refused to see him for nearly a year until he warmed to the idea of seeing him again.

I would never force them, I would never talk him down or up, they know I'm always here if they need me, they can tell me if they don't want to go, they can message him if they want to etc. But they both (roughly primary aged) aren't too fussed either way, and I think that's the best case scenario for someone who's so unreliable.

The new challenge is that he has a baby on the way, and I have no idea how that's going to affect my kids, or the visiting schedule.