Should I consider becoming a SMBC?

[Confusedlady0]

Hi

Single mum by choice?
Should I consider becoming a SMBC? Is it selfish?
I am 39 this year, single and long for a child, I am torn between seriously considering SMBC options or trying to accept I will never be a mum.
I cannot see my life without children and feel like I’ve been mourning the life with a child I thought I would have for years and now seems like crunch time….
I own my own house, have a good income and a good family around me so could afford to support a child and childcare.

I accept there will be mixed opinions on this but please be kind, I feel very fragile on this topic.

Thanks

Having just been through several pregnancy losses, I understand the longing for a child and time pressure with age.

It sounds like you very much have your life together and you know what you want. You have a lot to offer a child and are clearly thinking about their welfare.

It wouldn’t be easy but If you feel it is the right thing for you, then I would say go for it!

I have a few colleagues who had babies in their late thirties and the relationship didn’t last. They have said it might have been easier going it alone than having them with a difficult partner/husband.

i really hope it all works out for you

I became a smbc and my little boy is amazing...however my life has changed in ways I never imagined. Financially, are you secure? Do you have a decent amount of savings? Maternity pay is very low and you've got childcare to pay for. What actual support do you have? For after the birth? What will you do when your child is ill? Will your work be understanding or do you have family that will look after them?

Thank you, I feel like I can offer a child a good life and meet all their needs. I know so many people who had a child in the wrong relationship and that isn’t good for the child at times either. In an ideal world yes I would be in a settled relationship and a two parent family but that’s just not happening.

Sorry you’ve been through such trauma with your losses - I really hope it all works out for you x

Hi @Mummyboy1 I have savings and would have enough to cover maternity pay for 9 months as my company pay full pay the first 3 months.
I am as financially stable as I can be without a crystal ball into the future - I’ve been with my company 8 years and get good pay.
I have my mum who I believe will cover child care (I’ve not shared my plan with her yet so would obviously firm this up before jumping into smbc - her time would be paid but a lot less than other methods of child care but she’s always said she would cover child care if I had children)
my mum and I are both single and spend most days together so I couldn’t have better support after the birth and I also have sone great friends.
I work from home full time so I’m on hand for sick days and plus I work for a very parent friendly company who are very flexible with child emergencies such as illness.
I think I’ve planned for all I can and don’t plan on jumping in blind x

Congratulations on your little boy, what do you wish you’d known before jumping in?

@Laurabeee Thank you, I feel like I can offer a child a good life and meet all their needs. I know so many people who had a child in the wrong relationship and that isn’t good for the child at times either. In an ideal world yes I would be in a settled relationship and a two parent family but that’s just not happening.

Sorry you’ve been through such trauma with your losses - I really hope it all works out for you

@Confusedlady0 so that does all sound good, definitely check the childcare situation with your mum. As it sounds like you're close with her then you're probably on the same wavelength for parenting styles.

For me, I had the odd bit of help occasionally in the day for the first 2/3 weeks, but what I found the hardest part was the nights. He wasn't that bad compared to some but I really struggled with the tiredness, I struggled to get up and with it, it really hit me mentally. At my lowest point I even put a post up on here in the early hours asking about adoption! Because I thought I wasn't good enough.

I sometimes wish I had someone here to share all the exciting things he's done for the first time. I do have friends that share some of the enthusiasm but it's not the same. However, I'm also happy not having a partner.

Whilst it was and is still the hardest thing and decision that I've made, it's also been the best. He looks so much like me, even has the two colours for his eyes, exactly like mine. I've made sure there are reliable people in his life. I've got colleagues at work who are married and they have no more support than I do.

If having a child is something you really want, go for it ❤️

@Mummyboy1 Thank you, I appreciate your honesty - after all if I know the good and bad I can mentally prepare myself as much as possible!
I know in an ideal world I would have a partner and be in a stable relationship but it’s just not happened.
X

Everyone I know who is a SMBC has been very happy with their decision.

I chose to have my baby knowing that my partner would likely not be able to help much practically or financially for the first few years as he is caring for an elderly relative abroad so out of the country most of the time

I also felt that it was now or never (though due to a medication I will begin taking rather than age) and decided that's what I wanted to do weather he was there or not

I don't regret the decision at all and in some ways being almost solely responsible for decision making with my DD has been much easier as there's no disagreements or backseat parenting 😬

@Meifly thank you for taking time to reply, I think it def is an advantage not having to compromise on parenting decisions x

Go for it! I was a married mother at age 39.. my husband worked away most of the time so whilst I had his financial support I did it alone most of the time. At first it was a bit of a shock, but I soon settled into a routine with my two boys and did it all pretty much alone. Needless to say here I am at the age of 50 single parenting pending a divorce. Not frightened at all being alone as I've done so for many years ☺️ it's actually less complicated! If you can take the sleepless nights, support yourself and child financially I'd actively encourage it. No one has the perfect family unit, you do what's best for you. I wish you lots of luck.

I’m a SMBC and am very happy with it. I would have like the right person to come along, but he didn’t and part of me thinks it is easier this way than with a rubbish partner (and I’ve seen a few of those from friends’ relationships).

It was pretty stressful between 4-9 months with lack of sleep, but if your mum is pretty hands on them I’m sure it will be fine. She’s 2 now and I still can’t believe how lucky I am.

Go for it! (However please start saving immediately …I didn’t factor in this crazy CoL crisis and I’m a bit stretched at times! Who knows what another two years will bring.)

@rockingbird thank you for replying, to hear other people’s opinions is so helpful 😃

@Fluffyowl00 this is reassuring to hear - my main doubt is being the sole financial support as who knows what’s round the corner but all I can do is be as prepared as possible I guess x

I became a single mum by choice, my son is almost 4 months old. It's amazing, the feeling of being a mum is one I'm so grateful I didn't have to miss out on. He is my whole world. That said it's a lot harder than I was expecting - eg sleep deprivation is a cliche but handling it alone was really, really tough.

@tigger2022 thanks for replying, I wanna be as prepared as possible if I do this so appreciate you saying it’s much harder than you thought - my thinking is if I prepare as much as possible by hearing the worst from others it can only help me!
I am cautious about the financial side - not because I won’t save and prepare but just the unexpected. Did this concern you? How did you prepare (if you don’t mind me asking)?
How did you broach the smbc subject with family? If I’m honest I’m more worried about others opinions than being a smbc x

I've got a couple of friends who are lone parents. From their experience of doing it totally alone I'd consider a few things.

How big is your mortgage? Can you afford to go part time?

I know you say you have your mum, but can you afford childcare without her? Don't factor her childcare into your decision.

You live alone, work from home and would be just you and baby. Think carefully how you'll handle the isolation that comes with having a child. You won't be able to go out when ever you want at the last moment for a while. You will be stuck at home a lot more. You have friends, are any of them parents? Are there baby groups near you? NCT active branch etc. all places to meet your tribe.

How will you approach the subject of no father with your child?

You're 39, what if it doesn't work? How many goes will you give it?

Financially it’s challenging but to be honest I don’t think it’s affordable for anyone right now! Nursery is about £50-70 per day. My recommendation is not to buy too much stuff (I haven’t used most of what I bought him!!) as they don’t really need anything. Just save the money for childcare. I honestly think like all parents you just make it work somehow.

Support is important, whether it’s parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles or reliable friends. I find being a mum a lot easier now he’s out of the newborn stage, but in the first weeks/months where you’re sleep deprived and the baby doesn’t want to be put down you just need somebody else to cuddle him for a bit at the end of the day. And help with silly things like taking the bins out, etc! I felt silly at first because I was used to being so independent and self-reliant for such a long time, it was difficult for me to ask for help at first.

Re: judgement I was scared of this too. The stigma against single motherhood is greater than I realised. That said, it’s only a minority of people. I’ve kept the fact he’s a donor baby on a need-to-know basis (his medical records, my emotional support network) because I felt it was more his story to tell than mine, if that makes sense?

(All that said though I 100% made the right choice because honestly, the love I feel for him is primal, I wouldn’t miss out on this for the world)

Quite late to the party here but wanted to add another SMBC voice.
I was 39 and financially stable when decided to stop the bad dates and head to the clinic for IVF.
My daughter is now 2.5 and best decision ever. There are ups and downs of course, but frankly, I had made it seem such a feat in my mind, the reality was a pleasant surprise!
There are, of course, loads of cons about doing it alone. Some big (what if I die), some small (can’t leave house after 7pm however much need milk/chocolate etc!).
There are also huge advantages - basically being in control, a single voice of discipline etc.
I thought I was be terribly old and terribly boring compared to other mums, but actually by joining in, doing NCT walks in the depth of rainy cold lockdown and saying yes to any invites I’ve met a good group of local people.
Family and friends were a bit worried when I was floating the idea and tried to put me off, but only out of worry for some health reasons, and the second I got pregnant, everyone was on board.
I also thought there would be a stigma. Apart from a Catholic man at work and the odd shocked tradesperson / black cab driver, no one asks or cares, particularly now my daughter is 2.5. More questions when she was a baby, but not negative, just inquisitive.
overall, it’s all much more doable than I thought.
my life has changed a lot, but I could not be more content.
i’m so so so glad I didn’t let my caution stop me. I’m also really glad my financial preparation was overpaying mortgage for a year or so before (great way to ‘save’ especially now) so I could take mortgage holiday during mat leave!
Good luck!

At 40, I decided to try to become a SMBC.
At 47, I had beautiful twins (after 10 IUI/IVF and two miscarriages).

It was the best decision ever; my twins are amazing!

It's great your mum can help with childcare, since it's expensive.
There are pros and cons - I like making all parenting decisions myself, but it's tough that you can never just pop out any evening (Eg to get milk/go for a walk).

I was a bit worried about judgement, but I shouldn't have worried. Everyone I said it to said "good for you!" I have a elderly neighbour who I thought would be judgmental, but she said she wished her daughter would do the same (since she wanted grandkids).

Thank you @Skeetgirl this is a good all round summary and helpful to hear the pros and cons - luckily there are no surprises in your comments, it’s all things I’ve already considered
it's so scary! x

@Apollonia1 thank you and wow twins, what a blessing!
Appreciate all your comments xx

I'm another SMC. I've got DDs aged 2 and 1 and am currently 16 weeks pregnant, all conceived via same donor.
Of course money matters, but if you really want a child you won't regret it even if you have to move somewhere smaller/less nice and make lots of sacrifices. Being a mummy was just what I had always wanted more than anything, and I think if that's the case you won't regret it. Also, if you are conceiving now, remember govt support for childcare is about to increase quite a bit which will reduce costs a lot, although of course children are still really expensive.

I'd say go for it, but just worth bearing in mind that dating as a single parent is really difficult.

@Ilikepinacoladass thanks, yes I bet it is! I guess my thinking is most people in my age group will already have children and if they dating then single parents too.
however, I get the other side is just me even having time to do so x