Should I consider becoming a SMBC?

[Confusedlady0]

Hi

Single mum by choice?
Should I consider becoming a SMBC? Is it selfish?
I am 39 this year, single and long for a child, I am torn between seriously considering SMBC options or trying to accept I will never be a mum.
I cannot see my life without children and feel like I’ve been mourning the life with a child I thought I would have for years and now seems like crunch time….
I own my own house, have a good income and a good family around me so could afford to support a child and childcare.

I accept there will be mixed opinions on this but please be kind, I feel very fragile on this topic.

Thanks

@IVFbeenverylucky thank you - it’s tough to make such a big decision isn’t it but I honestly don’t see my life without children x

Yes that's the side I was meaning it from. Difficult to find time / babysitters / energy ...

Another SMBC here. No regrets, it's been absolutely the most worthwhile thing I've ever done.

In terms of telling family/friends, I just landed it on them as a fait accompli once I was already pregnant, but I have form for cheerfully announcing major life decisions after they're well underway and I appreciate other people probably don't!

@Persipan thank you! I’m quite a private person so telling people will be a challenge for me but I would just have to put my broad shoulders on a guess.
others opinions is the scariest part of it all for me 🙄x

We are facing a declining / aging population too, so you'd be doing something worthwhile for society too! :-)

Lots of women not having children now because they've not found a partner they are willing to settle for, and nowadays we don't have to settle for the wrong man, whereas in the past we would have been married and pregnant in our 20s no choice about it. So SMBC are going to be quite crutial to reversing the declining population IMO! x

@Ilikepinacoladass well it sounds like my duty in that case 🤣

I feel the main consideration should be the welfare and happiness of any children. Lots of the discussion here is about women's desires and how happy it makes them and/or how it affects them.

I’m my view, everyone ( whether in a marriage or relationship or single,) should consider their own desires and happiness and how it would affect them (practically, financially, emotionally etc) when deciding to have a child.
It’s hard work at times, and a child needs to be loved and wanted with a parent capable of doing the job. There is now really good research now that children from SMBC families are just as secure and happy as children from successful marriages (and of course very many marriages and relationships actually fail, which is tough for children).

Sadly (perhaps a reflection on the support of single parents), there is good evidence that children of poorer parents (of which single parents are disproportionate) are less successful. So carefully considering finances and the practicalities is a critical consideration for the welfare of the child.

I trust that you also spend time in the main conception boards saying this, too? 🙄

Not sure why that would apply here anymore than anyone else who ever wanted a child in the history of the world...

Much better a loving single parent family than with parents arguing, abuse, any of the other million of factors than can negatively effect children..

And actually wanting a child / it making you happy is a good start for being a good parent anyway so it's not unrelated to the child's welfare is it..

Please don’t assume your mum will be able/willing to do the childcare. If you are paying her I think she would need to do it in your house. She may well find it is so much more exhausting than she imagined I certainly have and I was an energetic mum to three under five in my day and I don’t do it regularly, also illness can strike. Do your calculations on the assumption that she can’t then anything will be a bonus

I would second that. Especially when they get to toddler age it's really tiring. Also she might want to go on holiday etc / not be tied to childcare? And yes illness and injury can come unexpectedly meaning it's impossible (this happened to my friend's mum who was hoping to be able to help with childcare).

But I think you would be able to claim UC to help with childcare costs? If you don't have lots of savings?

@Bienemajas Absolutely!
Please don’t think I haven’t considered this and if lI am being selfish even considering becoming a SMBC; in an ideal world children would be in a stable, 2 parent relationship. On the flip side I know many 2 parent families (at time of birth) who have since broken up and have very toxic relationships that affect their children.
I think all the points on this forum re what the parent can give to a child are important too as that forms the basis for a stable and happy life.
Of course none of us know how life will turn out and who is to say a child born to a single mum would always be brought up by a one parent family - families are made up in all sorts of ways and in a big number of cases happy & stable families are not made up of a biological mum and dad x

@Skeetgirl thanks for your reply and yes the ability to provide a child a good life should always be priority x

Being a SMBC is amazing and when I read some of the AIBU threads, sometimes it seems preferable 😅

@Thistooshallpsss Thank you, I would not go into this with any child care assumptions and any help would be discussed with my mum ahead of me doing anything to get pregnant.
I am lucky in that me and my mum tend to holiday together but if not then I would have to take leave or make other arrangements.

I would pay her if she helped but I could afford to pay for child care if she couldn’t help.

I am lucky that my mum is still active and youngish for my age but yes there are always risks of illness etc that I have considered.

@tigger2022 it def has its pros by the sounds of it! x

Ok, here goes - for what it’s worth, and it’s only my opinion, yes, being a SMBC is selfish. So many women seem to feel a child is some sort of right, not the privilege it is. Just because you can have a child alone, does not mean you should. If you become a single parent so be it (my mum became one when my dad died), but actively choosing that path for a child is just selfish.

Hi I’m a SMBC to a 13 year old and have a few friends who are also successfully SMBC. I dearly hoped for the perfect family set up but when it didn’t happen decided to go it alone at 40. While I was pregnant, there was more focus on my situation (plus it was less common 13 years ago) but once my child was born, I was just another mother and all the focus was on the baby.

I was lucky. I was financially secure and had a good support system around me and we live in an area with a good community vibe and lots of children so my child is never lonely. An unexpected bonus was the deepening of my relationship with my parents whom I was always close to - becoming a mother and grandparents together added a whole new level of love.

that said, it can be hard and lonely. I remember the early years feeling like I couldn’t leave the house for much needed chocolate after 7pm as a pp mentioned. I did have a night nanny a couple of nights a week in the early months and that kept me sane. But I never had the headspace to get my figure back - even 13 years on!

I went back to work at 10 months and it was intense- working all day then mothering all night and all weekend with no let up - not even someone to put petrol in the car or sort out house insurance. All those other bits of life that you still have to do - on your own. But it has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, we have a wonderful bond (teenage grumps and menopausal moods aside!) and from the moment I tested positive, I’ve felt blessed. I’d say:

consider your finances carefully
think about The area you live in - is it family friendly, parks, libraries, play centres as that helps when meeting people
think about work and childcare and be prepared to still be spending a lot on them even when the nursery days are over
are you ready to accept a much quieter social life - it’s hard and lonely when you are staying home night after night with no adult company
are you ready for responsibility - I can never let my hair down and have too much to drink and slept in the next morning while ‘Dad’ takes the kids out
are you emotionally strong - it is an intense responsibility on so many levels - making judgments on if they are well enough to go to school, are eating well, seem happy, have boundaries, have certain medication - it all falls on you to decide…

But having said all that I’d always say go for it. Good luck!

I don't really see how contributing to the population at a time when we are facing a decline in the UK, single handedly raising a child is anywhere near 'selfish'. So many people have children in bad relationships, with abusive partners, yes a 'perfect family' (if that exists) is what most people hope for, but there are waaaay worse ways to bring up a child than in a loving single parent family.

That said I think @Magicmum101 has made some very good points in terms of the reality and how hard it is. It's hard enough if you are co-parenting, let alone with no other parent present at all.

We have a relative who had a baby on her own at nearly 50. However she then did meet and marry someone who had grown up children.
Their main issue is age, she’s older and her husband is 15 years older than her.
between them they have health issues and she was obsessed child should go to private school, and they seem to be struggling financially.

I think if you are younger with a good financial plan is doable.

@CheeseLouisePlease Thanks it’s all serious considerations isn’t it x

@Magicmum101 thank you for your reply and sensible considerations - we have to be practical and realistic in these situations dont we x