Toxic mother with my baby

[Zamummy]

Hello everyone, I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and staying with my mum temporarily with my 14 months of boy. I've been staying with her and my 3 grown siblings because my pregnancy has been hard and I needed help with my son. They are all highly toxic and judgmental in my opinion. I will be moving back to my own flat in a few weeks and she offered to leave my son with her to look after. I feel like taking my son with me even though it will be hard doing everything by myself. However, when I think about things they say I get a bit angry sometimes. Things like " you are always on your phone and don't play with your son" or " that my son is eating too much" and they all close their rooms when my son is walking towards their rooms.
Ps. Siblings ages are: brother 33, sister 22 and brother 19

Good question. I need a reality check indeed! I didn't know it will become so hard to be honest and maybe a bit naïve...

You should have learnt how to take care of your son before getting pregnant again , you sound very immature tbh and very lazy you do the bare minimum for the 1 child you have fgs and pregnant with another time to grow up , move out and look after your kids properly

I think they sound really supportive and your mum is doing way more than most would, mine wouldn’t have done that. I was alone in my last pregnancy, and had 3 other kids to look after and my mum didn’t help at all. How will you cope with 2 children alone if you are struggling so much with 1?

You are 30 years old.
You have a husband who works away
You have your own home
You've CHOSEN to have 2 children close together

At what point do you intend to grow up and take care of yourself?

Your mother has 4 grown up children and now a grandchild living in her home, takes care of her grandchild for at minimum 5 hours a day so you can sleep in till midday and somehow you seem to think you're owed extra help from your siblings because you're changing your child's nappies, feeding and bathing your child.

For goodness sake, your poor mum, a houseful of entitled, lazy kids that she'll have to run around after for her whole life.

Since you need your mother's help while you feel unwell during your pregnancy, and it sounds like she's doing a LOT to help you, I think YABU. It's not for you to be saying that your siblings shouldn't even be living with your mum. That's her choice. They are your siblings, no obligation on them to entertain your child. It probably is quite irritating for a 19 year old to have a 14 month old toddling along wanting to play all the time.

I have young adult children and a 4 year old. I don't expect them to play with the little one and they often close their doors to her if they don't feel like it. If I really need them to keep her busy, I pay them to do so.

I think perhaps you could show a bit more empathy to the needs of the people around you instead of focusing so much on your own. You're lucky to have a supportive family. Many don't.

You sound very entitled. When you get back to your own flat, I hope you don't still expect these "toxic" people to continue parenting for you whilst you do very little. You bath him, change his nappies and shop for his food? Wow, that's real commitment to care for your own child. How about not playing with your phone and spending time enriching his life with activities?

Oh do grow up ffs.

'Only'. A lot of people would consider that a great help actually. I don't know many mothers who get to lie in bed until 12.

Couldn't have said it better

OP your sister isn't pretending to play with your baby she is playing with your baby for short bursts of time because she wants to. She likely hates the baby being there 24/7. Babies are noisy and nosey.

In my family we support each other with children. However I don't expect my siblings to look after my DD. I don't expect my adult nephews and nieces to either. However one has decided because they like small children -and they always have - that they want to take her out randomly to do things that they enjoy also. Last time it meant I ended up with childcare so I could work.

Likewise when my nephews and nieces were small children I offered to help my older siblings. It was my choice how much help I was willing to give. So if I wanted to help by providing childcare for a day or a week it was my choice and was not expected.

Go home and parent your own child. your poor mother.

You’re the toxic one in this scenario. How bloody entitled are you? Look after your own child, stop lounging in bed until noon, and play with your kid instead of your phone. Your family sound as if they are, quite rightly, fed up with you and your child, taking advantage of your mum in the way you are.

Another thread where things don’t add up. In your other posts you said your husband was unfaithful and this caused so much stress that you were losing weight during your first pregnancy. Why are you still with him? Let alone why are you having another baby with him? Especially if he lives abroad, as you claim here. What are you getting out of this marriage? You barely see each other.

In another thread you say you cant afford to eat. But you also say you were “on holiday drinking every day” in the early weeks of pregnancy (so less than 22 weeks ago). That’s a very rapid change in financial circumstances. How can you not afford to eat when you barely have any living costs at your mother’s place? Are you paying rent to your mother? You don’t even have childcare costs. Why is your husband not providing for his children? Don’t you have shared finances?

As I said in my other posts, I forgave him because of my child. I was on the pill when I got pregnant. The holiday was planned before I was in financial problems. I still pay rent for my own flat even when staying with my mum (it's temporary). I cannot write my whole story here.. too long and complicated.

Ps. I haven't been long on this app and feel like people on here seem to be living such a perfect life and therefore, so judgemental

Why on earth are you having another baby with someone who is unfaithful and lives in another country????

That's ridiculous

We don't live a perfect life. But we don't accuse people who basically raise our kids for us as toxic for no reason. Then again I wouldn't know. I am a lone parent to a child with a disability and haven't ever had the ability to sleep in past about 6am, nor do I have daily childcare on standby. If I did I'd be a hell of a lot more grateful than you are.

As for forgiving someone for being unfaithful 'because of your child', I won't even pass comment on that one.

No one has a perfect life but we should all be striving to learn and do better for ourselves and families.

Your situation is really worrying. It get that small children are exhausting and asking for family to help where they can but if you seriously expect these lie ins until midday it just seems really unlikely you will cope as a lone parent to 2 under 2. This is why I mention getting on some long term contraception, to at least limit this situation to what it is.

I think you need to focus your energy on maintaining a good relationship with your family.

From what you've said of your relationship with your husband its Nat a stable or happy marriage. It's likely you'll need your family's support in the future so don't burn those bridges.