Exs new wife is saying these things

[Eowisparttime]

Ex remarried fairly recently - only told me after the fact and new wife ‘hates me’ apparently but that’s another long boring story, and never wants to meet me’. Fine, no skin off my nose but the real issue is what she has been saying over the past year (how long they’ve been married).

This woman has been telling my DC that the home she had bought with their father is her hone and they are guests in her home, not their as in her and the dcs father, but her home.

She says terrible things in covert to my elder DC and as bad according to DC in front of their father who does nothing.

the Only contact I have with him is via email as he was and is highly abusive towards me and in the past when I’ve tried to raise and issue with the abrasive way this woman interacts with my children I get a torrent of written abuse.

they want to go to him that’s not the issue but the issue is the eldest cannot stand this woman (dc is 11 and younger one 8) and it seems there is a power struggle with the adult not actually behaving like an adult.

she hides their school uniform - I have to provide this when they go and changes of clothes for when they return. The list of this sort of behaviour is petty and pointless in recounting.

During the last contact weekend it’s transpired the stepmother told my child that she hates children and they all annoy her. Wtf.

it’s all so bizarre and my dc is not one to make up things which have been said as that is not her personality but she is finding it very hard to deal with.

their father is allowing this to happen but as I can’t raise it with him without being told I’m a shit parent so should look at myself I really don’t know what to do to provide a balanced explanation for such pathetic behaviour towards my dc.

any suggestions?

Thanks !

@CornishGem1975 I won’t take the bait but your posts just confirms what I say about either not reading posts or bothering to try and understand beyond a projected personalised opinion.

In essence though you’re right mumsnet isn’t the right forum for support these days, a lot of anger directed at random strangers on here which is quite disturbing and unhelpful.

what is most disturbing is coming in here and the default position is oh of course it’s the dc playing up and I should not believe everything they say. Christ if social services took that position it would be very different but hey let’s bash the mother. Standard isn’t it.

My last post wasn’t directed at the majority of the responses and I thank those who have remained impartial as for those that want to pile in and have a go, sure go ahead if it helps

I have read the posts - I didn't see where you said you can ONLY communicate via email?

Is that legally?

Genuine fucking question so I don't know why you've got such a chip on your shoulder.

And of course the right, balanced, thing to do would be to consider that kids aren't always wholly truthful. That doesn't mean they're not being truthful but some kids lie when they don't like a situation.

Starting to understand why your ex might not want to communicate with you if you're always this much hard work.

@CornishGem1975 I don’t know where to begin to response to
your post but my god are you always this confrontational.

I stand by posters such as yourself haven’t read my post to include stating SS were involved and why as well as the outcome.

that you’d say’ Starting to understand why your ex might not want to communicate with you if you're always this much hard work.‘ is really quite disgusting but as I said I’ll assume as I keep saying you’ve not read the posts to give you the benefit of the doubt.

besides that anything helpful to offer?

You didn't give the opposite view. You gave an entire fabricated scenario and relayed it as fact. Just weird.

@pocketvenuss
Are you always this controlling by telling people what they meant 🤣

@CornishGem1975 who hurt you? Genuine fucking question

@pocketvenuss for every Mumsnet post, there is always one person who replies questioning the OP's reality and coming up with their own alternatives! Bizarre

A lot of people (especially those who choose not to have children) can't stand kids, fair enough. They don't have relationships with people who have procreated though.

Your poor kids, OP.

@Eowisparttime glad you've got some supportive comments. I can guarantee any posts where a woman is talking about an ex partner and their shared children you will always get the #fathersforjustice brigade projecting their opinions!

There's no way on God's green earth my son would be going back to that house if my son's Dad was with a woman like that.

I'd be stopping sending them there and sending bulletpoint updates via email. And fuck his torrent of abuse just put it all in a folder in case you ever need it in court.

Have you asked your children if they want to go there? It sounds like a horrible, toxic household both ex and his horrible new wife.

well this all escalated very quickly and I’m completely mindblown at the gaslighting on here.

anyway yes they want to see their dad but no really his wife. She doesn’t want them anymore than they go there that’s been made very clear and before they met he would spend time with them as much as he could and we sort of had less acrimonious communication which changed over night. So be it.

their dad is very controlling but it seems that he lets his new wife call the shots and she does t want them there unless it’s their dads weekend. Seems he doesn’t want them there any additional nights either again so be it.

I just feel bad for dc as they had a better relationships with him but are no too scared to speak up in case they are ‘in trouble’ for saying anything negative about his wife.

im sure she’s not always bloody awful but has displayed enough negative behaviour that the damage is already done - the responsibility is on their dad to manage this but she had a choice to marry someone with kids so needs to stop being so awful around them.

Hi op, I can see this is an awful and not uncommon situation.
Sadly I think you only have 2 choices here:
1)suck it up
2)reduce contact time

Neither is what you want to hear but what else can you do?
If I was you I would ask the dcs- do you want to go to dads and go from there. It’s not up to you to make him behave. The choice to be an arsehole is 100% his. I can guarantee that if you try to talk about his new wife he will shoot you down. He has to do the right thing and put his children first but it sounds like he will not do that.
Interesting that the times he spent with the dcs when he put them first were before he met his new wife. Sadly your situation is not uncommon.
The father he was then has gone.
He is no longer that person.
Do not feel bad about reducing contact if you have to. Time will fly past and soon your dcs will be old enough to stop visiting him if they do wish and nobody can change that. Sounds like he will be over of many parents who make bad choices.

It isn’t controlling to point out what you clearly meant in your post, where you made ridiculous excuses for the SM.
You made it appear as if either the OP could be imagining the SM’s poor treatment of her kids, that she’s over reacting to how spiteful the SM is, and/or that OP’s Dc’s are possibly lying about the SM.

Why can’t you just accept that the OP is actually witnessing how her kids must be coming home feeling upset by the SM? that she knows her own DC’s (you don’t) and would know if they were being untruthful or exaggerating about the SM?

OP I get where you’re coming from, as I was in your position too years back with my DC’s having a nasty SM. Her spitefulness towards my kids was clearly because she was jealous that they existed. She also despised me for no reason, as I’d done nothing to her. I could write a book on the things she said to my kids, but I won’t give details here as they could be outing.

What I will say is that back in the day I too came on here for support, like yourself, and, whilst some posters were supportive, others were just goady and nasty ( a bit like the poster I’m quoting) and had no advice to offer other than to be insulting and derail the thread. It said a lot about them,

My advice would be to stop them going to their dads house, and tell him why. He can meet them elsewhere. Alternatively, if your DC’s want to continue going for now, at least document everything they tell you for future reference.

I would continue to let them visit but tell your DC (and your ex via email) that they do not have to stay in a house where someone treats them nastily.
If SM is unpleasant, tell your kids they can tell their dad they want to return to your house NOW.

Do they have mobiles?

It's all so sad isn't it. What changes do you think will help the kids the most?
So when she hides the school uniform how does it get resolved?
Do you send them with the absolute best minimum? I used to tell my children that if they take something it's their responsibility to bring it back. It's a different story if she's taking their items. But if their just not being returned then the children are old enough to remember them.

@Coffeecreams
🤣

It's really irritating when people derail a thread

A response like this just proves you are unable to write anything useful.

I get it, OP.

Those who haven't experienced abuse will not understand this at all.

I don't really have any constructive advice, but I can sympathise (as someone who communicates by email only to my ex as he controls, lies & manipulates) and doesn't return the school uniform either (silly power play games on his part).

My daughter sometimes cries before she goes to her dad's. She is 10.

I've told my son he can decide for himself what he does (he is now 14).

Good luck.

Thanks everyone who has posted recently this is very helpful.

ive given up with the clothing issue as it was causing such stress and now I send them in whatever it is the need for the handover day and a change of clothes for returning if they need it. They get sent back in the clothes they came in which is unwashed. At one point because I was told to send an extra change the first set was kept and I told dc to please look and they found a pile of it hidden away. I sent a message saying please return everything and got a request for the same - I don’t keep anything for theirs as they don’t buy anything as they don’t go for long. Such a waste of money which could be spent on other things the dc need.

phones are a good idea for contact days only! :-)

I have said to dc it doesn’t matter what his wife thinks of me as even if it upsets them it doesn’t upset me and because she hasn’t met me and doesn’t know me they can’t pay attention to what she says.

when she is nasty to one of the dcs - she picks in them - I tell dc again that they can’t take opinions personally and that some adults don’t understand certain things because they think in a different way and not everyone can see things for different points of view. It’s all confusing for dc of course but I need an age appropriate way of saying some people can be horrible because they have issues with themselves and their own situations. All too adult for them and has no place in childhood what I can’t change what happens there just protect them from it or not let them go.

Sounds exactly the same @ProseccoOnIce i suppose I should do the same and say they don’t have to go if they don’t want to.

Poor kids

It’s a combination of both with one of them but the uniform was kept on purpose and it took me a while to realise this as well as things the dc said. I hadn’t even considered this as it’s so such weird behaviour.

OP there is no court order. Stop them going. I know they want to but you need to protect them. Let him take you to court and tell them why you have stopped contact.

@Coffeecreams
🤣