Exs new wife is saying these things

[Eowisparttime]

Ex remarried fairly recently - only told me after the fact and new wife ‘hates me’ apparently but that’s another long boring story, and never wants to meet me’. Fine, no skin off my nose but the real issue is what she has been saying over the past year (how long they’ve been married).

This woman has been telling my DC that the home she had bought with their father is her hone and they are guests in her home, not their as in her and the dcs father, but her home.

She says terrible things in covert to my elder DC and as bad according to DC in front of their father who does nothing.

the Only contact I have with him is via email as he was and is highly abusive towards me and in the past when I’ve tried to raise and issue with the abrasive way this woman interacts with my children I get a torrent of written abuse.

they want to go to him that’s not the issue but the issue is the eldest cannot stand this woman (dc is 11 and younger one 8) and it seems there is a power struggle with the adult not actually behaving like an adult.

she hides their school uniform - I have to provide this when they go and changes of clothes for when they return. The list of this sort of behaviour is petty and pointless in recounting.

During the last contact weekend it’s transpired the stepmother told my child that she hates children and they all annoy her. Wtf.

it’s all so bizarre and my dc is not one to make up things which have been said as that is not her personality but she is finding it very hard to deal with.

their father is allowing this to happen but as I can’t raise it with him without being told I’m a shit parent so should look at myself I really don’t know what to do to provide a balanced explanation for such pathetic behaviour towards my dc.

any suggestions?

Thanks !

I've had behaviour like this from my ex husband. I think it's unfortunately quite common in controlling parents/step parents. The situation resolved itself as there's now a no contact order in place ( for other reasons). But I used to buy bags of second hand clothes (including school clothes). And send them in clothes that "I could loose". The clothes would often come back at some point, as if he was trying to get a reaction from me!
I think it becomes a game and you need to try hard not to play it. Yes it's annoying when clothes are kept and things not returned but let her crack on with it.
I would be keeping a diary of it all, not just the clothes but everything.
I also think unless there's a safeguarding consern then you need to try and not get involved (hence not playing the game). If she says nasty things about you to the kids. Try and find some standard answers (that's what I used to do). "O well that's her opinion, she doesn't know me though so please don't worry". " I'm not bothered by what she says" and then just move on with a different conversation. I suspect it bothers the kids most of all as their concerned it will hurt your feelings. When you prove it doesn't bother you it will carry less weight for them.
Sooner or later they will vote with their feet as they will know where they feel happy and wanted.
To be fair the problem really isn't the step m but their dad, he shouldn't allow this to happen.

when she is nasty to one of the dcs - she picks in them - I tell dc again that they can’t take opinions personally and that some adults don’t understand certain things because they think in a different way and not everyone can see things for different points of view. It’s all confusing for dc of course but I need an age appropriate way of saying some people can be horrible because they have issues with themselves and their own situations. All too adult for them and has no place in childhood what I can’t change what happens there just protect them from it or not let them go
I was going to come and say something like this. I think this is probably the best way to deal with this - explain to the kids in a non confrontational way it's a 'her' problem not a 'them' problem. Although - and I know this from personal experience it's actually a Dad problem.
It's really not on for an adult to behave this way towards a couple of innocent kids who have no real choice in this matter.
I would start documenting all of these incidents. Missing clothes, mean comments - in case you do end up in court.
Keep providing your kids with the safe haven and consistent parenting they need. I suspect they will eventually want to reduce the visits to Dad.

their father is allowing this to happen but as I can’t raise it with him without being told I’m a shit parent so should look at myself I really don’t know what to do

I think this is most definitely your biggest problem. Your ex is a terrible father and a terrible person.

Focusing on what his wife is and isn’t doing (as filtered through the children) doesn’t really address the real issue.

I wonder if it might help if you could step back from what’s happening during contact and neutralise the discussions. I know that sounds like it goes against your maternal instincts, but I do have reason for suggesting it.

What’s happening now is that you are being drawn into a big drama in which your ex is almost let off the hook because you and his wife are focusing on each other - and the children are too. Things are probably escalating and becoming issues they don’t have to be in various ways.

So if you could step back so that your children aren’t telling you all about what happens at their dad’s, it might help everyone. Diverting them and trying to de-emphasise discussion of their SM might be helpful. Gently obviously. Just trying to break a cycle where they look to you to solve the problems at dad’s house (which you just cannot do).

But, alongside this, could you find a different, neutral avenue for the children to discuss their experiences and concerns? Some sort of appropriate counselling service might be useful. That way you know that they have the support to talk
about problems and an adult who can help them to reframe adult behaviour that troubles them.

That way you can focus on being their mum and reinforcing the good relationship you have with your children in your contact time.

It could potentially also provide evidence to support changes in contact to protect the children from their father’s refusal to provide a safe and happy contact environment for them. Neutral evidence - which clearly demonstrates that you have done what you could to support your children and act in their best interests.

I think Women's Aid can signpost to support for children.

Thanks again this is really helpful. I don’t want to talk about either of them to be honest but they want to offload when things happen so I listen and try and stay neutral without saying your dad should be dealing with xyz not his wife and so on.

I stipped the uniform game when I realised it was deliberate as the emails just escalated.

I have a Womansaid case worker but the checks in are every few months now for capacity reaosn and there is no physical threats so that’s a good shout.

i know I have to keep a diary but keep getting bogged down in the day to day things as I have so little time to even think which is no excuse really as this is very important.

it’s so frustrating not to be able to make him understand the damage but some people can’t see and issue so won’t change.

it’s all game playing and control which I don’t engage in now I can see what is happening

@Eowisparttime I've not RTFT as put off by some of the odd replies on page 1... as it relates to your OP here's some of the ways I dealt with similar.. I feel for you as it's horrible to watch.

1. Uniform - instruct DC to remove uniform and place in their school bag until they come home. Have enough doubles of everything so you don't need to launder on Sunday night. I found this approach solved that issue. DC is now a teen and it's not been an issue since I'd say she was about 8 when she could reliably manage this alone.
2. Raising issue of inappropriate SM behavior - my advice is don't raise it. Unless the behavior reaches a safeguarding threshold there is nothing you can do about it. Your ex is always going to take her side, give you a mouthful and do nothing about it. There's nothing you can do about that. I'm not saying this is right, it's just the way it is. If your DC mention something, respond neutrally but acknowledge what is wrong about that behavior. I found a helpful phrase to be ''In our family we don't call people names. It's not kind, and in our family we are kind to others'' .. replace 3 words in bold with whatever it is she said or did. It's important they know it's not OK. If the issue is a safeguarding one report to relevant authorities (although don't hold your breath - social services worked with my DC step mum after the school made a referral given they were concerned about emotional abuse by SM that DC disclosed. SS tried to address her behavior but in the end concluded she was unable to see what was wrong with her behaviour or change, ex was unwilling to address or stand up for DC so told DC they no longer had to have contact unless they wanted to).

DC still wants to see her Dad so resolved by refusing to speak to her during contact. She just doesn't answer or leaves the room often with step mum shouting snarky remarks at her.. ex is mute.. Not an ideal solution in my mind, but the only one available to her in the circumstances.. DC relationship with her Dad is hanging on by a thread as she has reached the conclusion that her Dad chooses to allow SM to behave this way. She hopes he will change, and while I understand that, after more than a decade of this I fear it's unlikely.

It's a tragedy, as you say caused by people who can't or won't see the issue.