Exs new wife is saying these things

[Eowisparttime]

Ex remarried fairly recently - only told me after the fact and new wife ‘hates me’ apparently but that’s another long boring story, and never wants to meet me’. Fine, no skin off my nose but the real issue is what she has been saying over the past year (how long they’ve been married).

This woman has been telling my DC that the home she had bought with their father is her hone and they are guests in her home, not their as in her and the dcs father, but her home.

She says terrible things in covert to my elder DC and as bad according to DC in front of their father who does nothing.

the Only contact I have with him is via email as he was and is highly abusive towards me and in the past when I’ve tried to raise and issue with the abrasive way this woman interacts with my children I get a torrent of written abuse.

they want to go to him that’s not the issue but the issue is the eldest cannot stand this woman (dc is 11 and younger one 8) and it seems there is a power struggle with the adult not actually behaving like an adult.

she hides their school uniform - I have to provide this when they go and changes of clothes for when they return. The list of this sort of behaviour is petty and pointless in recounting.

During the last contact weekend it’s transpired the stepmother told my child that she hates children and they all annoy her. Wtf.

it’s all so bizarre and my dc is not one to make up things which have been said as that is not her personality but she is finding it very hard to deal with.

their father is allowing this to happen but as I can’t raise it with him without being told I’m a shit parent so should look at myself I really don’t know what to do to provide a balanced explanation for such pathetic behaviour towards my dc.

any suggestions?

Thanks !

@Eowisparttime
No court order and you send your kids to someone who physically assaults women and children yet the stepmother is the problem. I hope you find the right support, speak to the school, woman's aid, social services

@quietnightmare you’ve not read the posts have you 😂

i assume your step kids give you a hard time and you’re taking out your angrier and frustration on my thread. Please start your own for support instead of coming in here and detailing it. This isn’t about you and you’re obvious anger issues it’s about a situation you don’t want to understand for whatever reason.

bye.

That sounds extremely tough op. Does he actually WANT to see the dc or do you think this is just a powerplay to hurt you?

@Eowisparttime
Please see the definition of playing devils advocate.

@ZeroFuchsGiven yes he does and they want to go and ss felt it better if they do after much work. The sw was actually quite helpful and very kind and the school even more so.

@quietnightmare its impossible to take you seriously and devils advocate requires at least some understand of the situation of which you appear to have none. Hope that helps.

@Eowisparttime
🤣. Get help you need it

Step mother and their father both sound pathetic. Imagine a grown woman saying to children she hates them and they annoy her. I'd be looking to reduce the kids contact tbh. If their dad can't stand up for the kids against his wife, he's an absolute loser.

@quietnightmare what a mindless comment.

its nightmares like you who stop women from getting help by selfishly derailing threads for attention.

You are part of the problem.

start your own thread instead of high jacking others that way all the focus with be on you not just the op and you.

anyway, will disengage as you’ve nothing to offer except anger and a self focussed point of view.

have a great day!

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious i hear you, the go twice a month for the weekend and some of the holiday and really do want to see him. SS recommended to maintain contact so I have and I was also told a court would most likely agree with the current arrangement.

outside of that he has no involvement at all so it’s just the short time they are there when they hear these things I want to put a stop to without upsetting them by saying they can’t go.

they are close to his extended family so they see cousins etc too which I don’t want them to miss out on of course. The extended family have never caused any problems at all.

That makes sense. Do you speak to the extended family or could they mention to them how she is behaving towards them? It's so hard for you, I'd be fuming and upset if I knew my ex's wife was talking to our son like that.

What do your DC say your ex does when SM says these things or uses the bad name for you?

Nothing much as they have been made aware of what their father thinks of me which is obviously why his wife has the opinion she does.

From what he’s told me on email is that I have it so easy and he’s resentful and angry. I quite happy these days and don’t engage which of course makes him seethe but I just don’t have the time to pander to the tantrums and well we are not in a relationship! So I don’t have to accept his shit anymore. I also don’t give in to his threats not to have them anynore I just say fine ok I’ll get them. Etc

Just picking up on this individual point. I have my own ds, and 2 x dss's. I love them all to bits, they are brilliant kids. However, given they are all teens/pre teens (could be mistaken for triplets!), and all testosterone filled lads, I do occasionally put my head in my hands and inform them that they are all annoying me! Especially when they are griping/swiping at each other, wrestling, eating ever last box of cereal and piece of toast in the house. This is targeted as much towards my ds as my dss!

Just saying, as if my dss's went home and said SLC said she hates us all, and that we're annoying her... then I'd have to say 'yes', I do say that (rarely, but still...!). But it is usually said in an exasperated, in jest way!!

As someone upthread said, there is usually more than one version of the truth.

Ugh, they both sound like a pair of bellends. I get being a SM isn't easy, but her to say these things and him to allow it isn't ok.

Do your DC enjoy being there? I can't imagine it's a happy environment. If they don't want to go then maybe don't send and say to exh ' Name doesn't want to come over based on SM saying Xyz' sounds like they would both prefer it

She’s doesn’t have children though but yes @sunlovingcriminal i feel the same soMetimes as you describe! This isn’t a one off this is a sustained ongoing situation of mean comments with an edge to them as I said SS were involved and one dc sometimes is very down about it so as much as I appreciate you trying to be positive this is not the case or I would t have posted.

they want to see there dad and many times he takes them out without his wife or takes them to extended family when she doesn’t say these things.

I'd stop contact personally. Or arrange a court order to arrange for their father to see them only, not to be around her. I had a step mother like this, she was vile.

Is this fact, or has it come from the kids? I say that as a mother and a stepmother - all of whom have HUGELY over-embellished tales in the past when it has suited them.

This is from one of the dc who was very quiet after the last time was there and told me this was what was said. Dc is very confused by this and the constant reminders that they are guests in their fathers home.

this dc is not one for exaggeration and just wants everyone to get on. They’ve been told they are not allowed to say anything after ss were involved as part of the reason was because of what was being said to them as reported to ss .

im am not so naive as to think the account of an 8 and 11 year old is always going to be accurate but again if it was a one off then I would say the dc are just acting up and need to be told not to. This as I keep saying is not that situation but there is some agenda here by some posters which is fine but not helpful

I do ignore the whining and moaning when necessary of course and yes child do exaggerate

Is there no opportunity to speak with your exH about this face to face? Drops offs etc? I think that seems the most sensible thing. Spell out your concerns and advise that if the reports continue then contact time may have to be reconsidered, as the kids are unhappy.

I'm not sure that there is an agenda by other posters on this thread- more so that there is continued and systematic bashing of stepmothers on this board- which is often derisory and fails to acknowledge that the step-parent is also a human just trying their best.

In your case, if it is all true then I'd be finding a way to contact my ex and lay out what you've laid out for us here.

Nightmare. I really feel for you. It's terribly unfair on the children. Parental alienation and bad-mouthing the other parent is very damaging for kids. They really shouldn't be put in that position.

I guess that you can only be there to listen and support them and give them a big hug and tell them you're sorry they've had to listen to horrible things being said. Tell them that adults shouldn't say things like that (and of course don't say horrible things about their dad which I'm sure you don't anyway). You sound like a good mum.

Perhaps an email to your ex to remind him that effective co-parenting includes not slagging off the other parent because it's very damaging to children.

If the situation deteriorates, you might have to take advice and get a court order to spell it out to him.

This is mumsnet. We swear like fishermen on here. Either get used to it or go to netmums.

@DuchessofSandwich
You ok hun?

I think some posters are either not reading the posts or are deliberately ignoring them 🤷‍♀️

I’ve been very clear there is no means to communicate other than email and if I make any attempt to explain the impact and negative conversations have on the dc I am Meg with either personal attacks or complete denial.

I came on this forum to ask for advice on how to handle the dc bug see that besides a few reasonable posters the rest are using this thread to unleash their own frustrations from the own lives. Draining really.

thabsk to those who have tried to help even when they’ve been derailed by the deliberately goady posters.

I’ve been very clear there is no means to communicate other than email

That's choice though, right? Not being goady as you seem to think anybody who puts over a different view is being That's the joy of forums, not everyone agrees) but you surely could communicate. There are other means, you choose not to.