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Original poster

Advice needed, moving away from ex.

58 replies

supertato32 · 26/11/2022 10:23

Today I told my ex that there was a possibility I may be moving an hour and a half away. This is because it is better for me financially and means I can drop to working part time and spend more time with our two year old daughter.

At the moment ex, who walked out on us and left me to pick up all the bills and rent whilst still on maternity, pays £350 a month for DD and that's if. We share weekends with her as we both work full time.

He is now really angry that I am moving away and has said it better for you but not for me. He has this habit of constantly making me feel like I'm nasty, in the wrong or being unreasonable and trying to keep his daughter away from him, which I'm not. I find having to deal with him at all very triggering... he is always gaslighting me.

I personally don't think an hour and half is a long way to move and think he has got angry because it actually is going to mean more hassle to him!

How do I deal with someone like this in a co parenting situation, when I do the majority of the parenting and pay for the majority of our daughter's needs. He lives in a tiny one bedroom flat and makes no attempt to give anymore money towards our daughters nursery care! I have provided him with car seat and pushchair. I always look after when she is I'll and am always the one to take time off work for her. But whenever I put my foot down on something he makes me feel so guilty and awful.

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 26/11/2022 10:27

Would you be doing the drive to him every other weekend? If so, it sounds like things won't be very different for him. If he's expected to travel, pay for petrol etc then he isn't unreasonable to be annoyed by that.

Original poster
supertato32 · 26/11/2022 10:30

@PeekAtYou not sure how the logistics would work. But he's more than happy for me to pay £1600 a month on nursery and not provide!

OP posts:
CakeIsNotAvailable · 27/11/2022 14:53

If it will make it significantly more difficult for him to maintain the current contact schedule and be involved in the children's lives, he has every right to be annoyed. Can you compromise by offering to do all of the driving, and by offering longer blocks of time e.g. a week at a time when he's on annual leave? At the moment I think you do come across as massively unreasonable.

Threecrookedhearts · 27/11/2022 19:29

He walked out and isn't providing adequate financial support to you. If it makes your life financially easier I'd just move. He could always stump up half the childcare costs - then you may wish to reconsider.

Soontobe60 · 27/11/2022 19:38

You’re thinking in terms of the financial impact, but what about the impact on your daughter of having to travel for 3 hours at weekend to visit her father?

You haven’t said if you have gone through CMS to claim money of your ex. Unfortunately, the parent who has the child on their working days would be expected to pay for childcare. However, I assume you're claiming your 15 free hours, which will increase to 30 when she turns 3? Also, if you're able to reduce your hours, would you be eligible for some UC?

devildeepbluesea · 27/11/2022 19:41

If I wanted my daughter to maintain a relationship with her other parent I wouldn’t dream of moving so far away. And FWIW I’m divorced and co-parent as well.

Mydogatemypurse · 27/11/2022 19:42

CakeIsNotAvailable · 27/11/2022 14:53

If it will make it significantly more difficult for him to maintain the current contact schedule and be involved in the children's lives, he has every right to be annoyed. Can you compromise by offering to do all of the driving, and by offering longer blocks of time e.g. a week at a time when he's on annual leave? At the moment I think you do come across as massively unreasonable.

You are absolutely not unreasonable at all. Move, be happy, make your life and parenting your child easier. I used to drive 1.5 hours to work daily. A lot of people do. He can do it to see his daughter. Hes made it hard for you and happy for that to continue. Do it. Absolutely not unreasonable at all. At all.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 27/11/2022 20:08

supertato32 · 26/11/2022 10:30

@PeekAtYou not sure how the logistics would work. But he's more than happy for me to pay £1600 a month on nursery and not provide!

Could you think through the logistics then?

You don't feel an hour and half is too far/costly? You will happily facilitate the 2 trips then I'm sure

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:20

@CakeIsNotAvailable why massively unreasonable? And why would I do all the driving? Do you suggest I stay in current situation, isolated and with no money so he can maintain the weekend contact he will still get when I move?

OP posts:
ThatGirlInACountrySong · 27/11/2022 20:22

You are choosing to move away so why wouldn't you do the travelling....take a train of you don't want to drive?

He has good contact currently and is paying maintenance... how much difference between what he pays and what child maintenance say he would pay?

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:23

@Mydogatemypurse thanks for your reply! Means a lot! If it's going to mean I'm financially more secure and my daughter sees more of me during the week I'm not sure why I wouldn't do it!

For all those who expect me to pay petrol costs or drive four hours 2 x a week to drop my daughter off, no I wouldn't do this! I would meet him half way! I have already told him he can he her the whole weekend! But he likes to have some 'downtime' at the weekends!!!! Make of that what you will!

OP posts:
Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:24

@ThatGirlInACountrySong so if I couldn't afford childcare and he couldn't afford childcare who would pay for it? And no, I don't get any UC help! Would he give up work to look after our daughter, I doubt it!

OP posts:
Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:25

@ThatGirlInACountrySong and just to add, he didn't really think of anyone but himself when he walked out and moved 40mins away! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:28

@Threecrookedhearts yes! That's what I said. If he contributes more financially then I wouldn't need to move away!

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 27/11/2022 20:30

supertato32 · 26/11/2022 10:30

@PeekAtYou not sure how the logistics would work. But he's more than happy for me to pay £1600 a month on nursery and not provide!

Do you not get a significant amount of help with those fees? You must be a pretty high earner if not.

plinkypots · 27/11/2022 20:31

If he takes you to court you'd likely lose in my experience. It's also very likely that if the court didn't order you to move back you would be asked to pay all travel costs. I think you need legal advice before you consider it. It does sound like you're trying to put up a barrier between him and your daughter. That's a ton of travel time for a toddler. It's just not kind.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/11/2022 20:32

He or she who moves, does the driving - that tends to be how it works op.

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:32

@Babyroobs no I don't! I get tax free childcare. I'm a middle earner. Once I have paid for rent, bills, childcare etc I am left with very little

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 27/11/2022 20:34

supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:32

@Babyroobs no I don't! I get tax free childcare. I'm a middle earner. Once I have paid for rent, bills, childcare etc I am left with very little

If you have high rent and extortionate childcare to pay, have you looked at whether you would be eligible for UC ?

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 27/11/2022 20:36

Have you secured a new job?

Will you be moving near family?

IneedanewTV · 27/11/2022 20:36

I’m surprised you are not getting UC.

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:36

@Babyroobs I have and I'm not entitled to anything until my daughter turns 3.

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 27/11/2022 20:37

For all those who expect me to pay petrol costs or drive four hours 2 x a week to drop my daughter off, no I wouldn't do this!

If he decides to go to court to prevent the move, you might find that you will be allowed to move her but only if you cover all of his extra costs or do all of the pick ups and drop offs.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 27/11/2022 20:37

He may be able to get a prohibited steps order

CakeIsNotAvailable · 27/11/2022 20:39

supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:20

@CakeIsNotAvailable why massively unreasonable? And why would I do all the driving? Do you suggest I stay in current situation, isolated and with no money so he can maintain the weekend contact he will still get when I move?

The parent who moves usually does most of the driving. And you're being unreasonable because moving so far away will make it difficult for him to increase his contact, or take part in everyday parenting like parents' evenings and medical appointments, as your child gets older. Have you taken legal advice? Your tone here comes across as quite belligerent - really you should be trying to seek to compromise and negotiate with him.