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Original poster

Advice needed, moving away from ex.

58 replies

supertato32 · 26/11/2022 10:23

Today I told my ex that there was a possibility I may be moving an hour and a half away. This is because it is better for me financially and means I can drop to working part time and spend more time with our two year old daughter.

At the moment ex, who walked out on us and left me to pick up all the bills and rent whilst still on maternity, pays £350 a month for DD and that's if. We share weekends with her as we both work full time.

He is now really angry that I am moving away and has said it better for you but not for me. He has this habit of constantly making me feel like I'm nasty, in the wrong or being unreasonable and trying to keep his daughter away from him, which I'm not. I find having to deal with him at all very triggering... he is always gaslighting me.

I personally don't think an hour and half is a long way to move and think he has got angry because it actually is going to mean more hassle to him!

How do I deal with someone like this in a co parenting situation, when I do the majority of the parenting and pay for the majority of our daughter's needs. He lives in a tiny one bedroom flat and makes no attempt to give anymore money towards our daughters nursery care! I have provided him with car seat and pushchair. I always look after when she is I'll and am always the one to take time off work for her. But whenever I put my foot down on something he makes me feel so guilty and awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:40

From all the research I have done, it suggests courts will never stop a primary care giver moving away, especially if it is to improve the living situation! I could understand if I was moving to the other end of the country. Even more so, a judge would see that my ex was the one who moved further away from me, has provided bare minimum and I have more than enough evidence to show I have never and would never stop my daughter seeing her father!

OP posts:
ThatGirlInACountrySong · 27/11/2022 20:41

Have you secured the new job yet?

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:42

@CakeIsNotAvailable oh medical appointments! Like when I've taken my daughter to a&e and been there for five hours in the evening and he didn't come to the hospital or even pick up the phone when I tried to call and update him! Or all the times she's been Ill, but he couldn't take time off work to look after her!

OP posts:
Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:43

@ThatGirlInACountrySong where did I say about getting a new job?

OP posts:
ThatGirlInACountrySong · 27/11/2022 20:45

So no new job? You said drop to part time?

What's the attraction that lies an hour and a half away then?

qpmz · 27/11/2022 20:45

PeekAtYou · 26/11/2022 10:27

Would you be doing the drive to him every other weekend? If so, it sounds like things won't be very different for him. If he's expected to travel, pay for petrol etc then he isn't unreasonable to be annoyed by that.

He walked out on her when she was pregnant. He should have thought it through.

Theunamedcat · 27/11/2022 20:45

It's the same story isn't it? HE is allowed to move away to make HIS life easier SHE is not

If he hadnt moved 40minutes away would he have been more help? Ultimately if he is not prepared to help physically or financially why should you burn yourself out

ttcttc · 27/11/2022 20:45

supertato32 · 26/11/2022 10:30

@PeekAtYou not sure how the logistics would work. But he's more than happy for me to pay £1600 a month on nursery and not provide!

Do you not claim 85% back?

He could apply to courts to try and stop you moving. I probably would in his case.

£350 is a lot of money given that it's not means tested. You must feel very luck 😊

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:46

@CakeIsNotAvailable I'm not belligerent and I understand what you're saying! But I also find it bizarre that you're not acknowledging that he moved 40 mins away when he decided to move out, automatically making it harder for himself.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 27/11/2022 20:48

ttcttc · 27/11/2022 20:45

Do you not claim 85% back?

He could apply to courts to try and stop you moving. I probably would in his case.

£350 is a lot of money given that it's not means tested. You must feel very luck 😊

Show quote history

85% back is related to UC and op says she earns too much to claim UC.

Theunamedcat · 27/11/2022 20:48

ttcttc · 27/11/2022 20:45

Do you not claim 85% back?

He could apply to courts to try and stop you moving. I probably would in his case.

£350 is a lot of money given that it's not means tested. You must feel very luck 😊

Show quote history

It's UP TO 85% and only if your entitled to universal credit

I dont suppose you qualify for tax free childcare?

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:48

@ttcttc no sadly I can't claim for any benefits! I have tried.

@ThatGirlInACountrySong the draw is considerably cheaper rent and nearer extended family.

OP posts:
ttcttc · 27/11/2022 20:49

supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:48

@ttcttc no sadly I can't claim for any benefits! I have tried.

@ThatGirlInACountrySong the draw is considerably cheaper rent and nearer extended family.

It's ridiculous - everyone should be entitled to the same!

ttcttc · 27/11/2022 20:50

@Theunamedcat why do you 'suppose' that 🤔

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:50

@Theunamedcat thank you for your message! This is probably why I'm sounding defensive as I'm not trying to stop my child not having a relationship with father! I just want a better life for us both! Thanks for the support x

OP posts:
Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:51

@Theunamedcat I get tax free childcare, but it barely touches the sides! If nice when it does though haha

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 27/11/2022 20:54

I would never do this. I do not live near friends and family etc. If we were to split up, I would want to move close to them, but I would never do it.

Before I had children, I thought v carefully about the fact that it would mean never living at home again, because this is where my children live. This is their home and where their father lives, where school is. So this is where I live and I will remain doing so.

I do not think that people should be allowed to move so far when they share custody, unless they are happy to do so without the children or have a robust plan for ensuring that the relationship between the children and other parent is unaffected. Even if that means doing all the driving.

I hear you about the money, go through CSA, but do not tit for tat. Your children will pay for that.

Spacejamming · 27/11/2022 20:56

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. An hour and a half away is not far. My commute in one direction is that long. If he wants to see her, he will make the effort. You are the primary carer and he contributes £300 when your nursery fees are £1600?! You are not responsible for the relationship he chooses to have with his daughter and it makes me so angry when that is put on the mother. Do what is best for yourself and your daughter.

IceReckon · 27/11/2022 20:58

He moved 40 minuted away, you're moving another 50 minutes away. Therefore meet halfway and he can't find anything to complain about without looking ridiculous.
Unfair considering you're doing the majority of parenting while he acts like an uncle, but shows you're being the bigger person.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 27/11/2022 20:58

So if he's 40 mins away from you and you are moving an hour and half away.... how long will the travel actually be?

Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 20:59

@ThatGirlInACountrySong an hour an half!

OP posts:
Original poster
supertato32 · 27/11/2022 21:00

@IceReckon thanks for this comment! I was going to suggest this to him and suggest he has her for two or three nights in a row (likely two as he works full time) meaning our daughter can spend quality time with him and won't be forever in a car over the weekend.

OP posts:
Mydogatemypurse · 27/11/2022 21:07

Theunamedcat · 27/11/2022 20:48

It's UP TO 85% and only if your entitled to universal credit

I dont suppose you qualify for tax free childcare?

Show quote history

Let him go to the courts. They will agree with you. Its a reasonable, do able distance. It allows you to be a happier, healthier, more capable mum. If you have evidence of better job, support, childcare and he cant offer that in comparison its a done deal. Do not fear threats of court.

Mydogatemypurse · 27/11/2022 21:09

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 27/11/2022 20:37

He may be able to get a prohibited steps order

Not in these circumstances he wont. Maybe if she had severe mental health problems and he could prove if he stepped up to support or if she was moving abroad. 90 min drive away. No way

Mydogatemypurse · 27/11/2022 21:10

Theunamedcat · 27/11/2022 20:45

It's the same story isn't it? HE is allowed to move away to make HIS life easier SHE is not

If he hadnt moved 40minutes away would he have been more help? Ultimately if he is not prepared to help physically or financially why should you burn yourself out

100% this.