Ex cancelling contact / court order

Fajita123 · 2022-08-15T10:35:49+00:00

Hi everyone Currently have court order EOW and half the holidays. Ex due to have children (DD 11 DD 7) this Friday for 2 weeks but emailed me last night sating he can only have them for 3 days instead of 14 as his stepson is having a few issues and a family member is ill. He has said from now on he will not be sticking to the court order. My immidiate problem is that I have a holiday to Turkey booked for next week with current boyfriend which cost a lot. If ex does not have children I can not go and lose all my money :( Waiting to speak to my solicitor's but can anyone give advice on what my options are???? Thanks

Londono · 15/08/2022 11:38

I'm no expert by any means but I think I've read on here that you cannot make a parent have contact. Is there anyone else you can ask to have the dc? Or can you add the dc onto the booking? Although I know that is less than ideal/expensive.

I'm so sorry you are facing this.

FlyingSaucerss · 15/08/2022 11:41

A court order doesn’t force him to have them unfortunately a court order just means they need to be available for contact on those days

OpinionsUnseen · 15/08/2022 11:43

As far as I’m aware a court order is for the one who wants contact and not for the one who wants the children to have contact iyswim.

So you will likely have gone to court to agree what contact you both have, but the reality is that if your ex decides to no longer stick to that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Your ex sounds like a complete twat fwiw but unfortunately if he’s refusing to have the DC and you have no other option then you will need to make arrangements yourself.

can you take them with you on holiday rather than cancelling?

Original poster

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 11:45

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes he can't be forced I just thought because there is a court order it's legally binding but I guess that only means me letting him have the children.

No one can have them short notice and I can afford to add them. I have already taken them to Greece a few weeks ago

He really is a nasty piece of work and I feel he is doing this out of spite

OP posts:

JanglyBeads · 15/08/2022 11:47

Sorry to read this. Did he KNOW you had a holiday abroad booked - has he done this on purpose, possibly?

PeekAtYou · 15/08/2022 11:48

He can't be forced to have contact so either you or ex have to cave.

The CAO is a list of times that the RP has to make the kids available. No repercussions for NRP who don't turn up to pick them up.

You can take him back to court and get a new CAO but that will cost money and he could still not bother picking them up.

The only solution is using extended family like grandparents for your holiday.

Original poster

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 11:48

He said he will collect them on Friday for a few days so I am thinking when he comes and takes them I will message and say I was unable to cancel holiday so he has to keep them until I return.....

Is that really bad???

OP posts:

Original poster

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 11:50

JanglyBeads · 15/08/2022 11:47

Sorry to read this. Did he KNOW you had a holiday abroad booked - has he done this on purpose, possibly?

Hi

Thanks for reply, I am not sure if the kids let it slip

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 15/08/2022 11:51

How would he react if you replied and said that "as you won't be in the country, you're unable to cover the extra days for him" ?

Duchess379 · 15/08/2022 11:51

I'd tell him very little. He's a vindictive a-hole. If he picks the kids, go on holiday & let him sort out the childcare.

Original poster

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 11:58

MangoBiscuit · 15/08/2022 11:51

How would he react if you replied and said that "as you won't be in the country, you're unable to cover the extra days for him" ?

If I mention that before hand he won't come for them at all. I think I will do what Duchess suggests.

When I get back I couldn't care less if he sees the kids as he is a complete waste of space but I really don't want him ruin my holiday. He has done this last minute on purpose!!

OP posts:

FartSock5000 · 15/08/2022 12:05

What an arse.

During his court appointed time, the kids are his responsibility.

I would seriously drop them off and then prepare a text message and email telling him that you are now boarding your flight and that for the first 10 hours will not be contactable while in the air, that you hope the kids and he have a fabulous 2 weeks together (or whatever is is) and you look forward to seeing them at the end of the appointed time on X date at Y time.

Hold off on sending those until you get to the airport and then send them.

It will then be too late for him to try and dump his poor kids back at yours and he will be forced to be an adult and parent his children or find someone to watch if he cannot. His time. His responsibility.

You don't have to pander to him! He can say he won't follow the court appointed visitation and that is fine, you can have the child maintenance adjusted for the time he won't have them but for your holiday now, fight back.

Make him stand up and be a parent.

FlyingSaucerss · 15/08/2022 12:14

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 11:48

He said he will collect them on Friday for a few days so I am thinking when he comes and takes them I will message and say I was unable to cancel holiday so he has to keep them until I return.....

Is that really bad???

It depends on the ex is he going to take it out on the kids? Dump them off with someone else the whole time? I don’t know he could use it against you in some way so I would be careful

Ylvamoon · 15/08/2022 12:29

I'd go and do what has been suggested.

Don't mention to the DC that you are going, play his game and pack quickly once DC are with him.

I also agree that you need to be careful as he could make it difficult to get DC back.
Just have all correspondence ready with dates when he said that he'll have DC for 2 weeks. Also back it up with dates for your holiday booking.

This way, he won't have a leg to stand on.

PrinceOfPegging · 15/08/2022 13:45

What day do you go on holiday?

If I was you I’d decamp to bf’s house on the Friday / Saturday so your ex doesn’t just turn up at your house, drop the kids and run.

He may have said he can only have them for three, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he drops them back even earlier to try and scupper your plans.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 15/08/2022 14:48

Id say nothing, drop them off, and be unavailable until you leave. Then text from airport... sorry unable to accommodate your last minute request, need to stick to court order, hope you all have a great time together.
Enjoy your holiday, sounds like its the last one without the kids for a while.

Starseeking · 15/08/2022 15:18

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 11:48

He said he will collect them on Friday for a few days so I am thinking when he comes and takes them I will message and say I was unable to cancel holiday so he has to keep them until I return.....

Is that really bad???

I would do this too; it's exactly what he's tried to do to you, he's left you to leave you to sort out his issues.

I'd wait until I had safely reached holiday destination, then let him know you weren't able to cancel at such short notice, and you'll see him when you get back.

You clearly do the bulk of the looking after, and deserve to have a break with your boyfriend. You have all the correspondence backing up the agreement, and it's not acceptable for your EX to flake on his own DC like that.

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/08/2022 15:24

I also vote for you going on holiday and leaving him to sort out the childcare.

Original poster

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 15:37

Thank you all so much for your replies and support!!

Princeofpegging - I fly Sunday but will be at bf from sat, so will let him know when I leave.

He is an absolute nightmare. When he had them last week my DD broke her wrist at roller skating. He took her to hospital on the Sunday night but didn't let me know (via email) until the Monday morning right before she had surgery. He really is vile!! It is a blessing in disguise that he is p*ing off, just need to have my holiday first ;)

OP posts:

OpinionsUnseen · 15/08/2022 15:52

I would be really careful playing these kinds of games with your children.

I absolutely understand why you’re pissed off with your ex, I really do. But it’s very evident that he doesn’t want the kids, and if you just text him from the air port to say you’ve gone on holiday, from the kids’ perspective it’s going to look as if you don’t want them either.

Imagine from the dc’s perspective them waiting to go to their dad’s, and then you telling them that actually he won’t be coming.

It’s very likely he’s going to tell them that they’re only staying for 3 days, and will then tel them that actually you’ve gone off on holiday and don’t want them back.

They already have one parent who is rejecting them. Don’t let them think you are as well, because there will be no way to explain this away other than to tell them you were pissed off with their father.

This can only end badly.

Sorry, but I would cancel the holiday.

seven201 · 15/08/2022 16:27

OpinionsUnseen · 15/08/2022 15:52

I would be really careful playing these kinds of games with your children.

I absolutely understand why you’re pissed off with your ex, I really do. But it’s very evident that he doesn’t want the kids, and if you just text him from the air port to say you’ve gone on holiday, from the kids’ perspective it’s going to look as if you don’t want them either.

Imagine from the dc’s perspective them waiting to go to their dad’s, and then you telling them that actually he won’t be coming.

It’s very likely he’s going to tell them that they’re only staying for 3 days, and will then tel them that actually you’ve gone off on holiday and don’t want them back.

They already have one parent who is rejecting them. Don’t let them think you are as well, because there will be no way to explain this away other than to tell them you were pissed off with their father.

This can only end badly.

Sorry, but I would cancel the holiday.

Sorry, but I agree with this. How would your kids take it?

MayThe4th · 15/08/2022 16:57

OpinionsUnseen · 15/08/2022 15:52

I would be really careful playing these kinds of games with your children.

I absolutely understand why you’re pissed off with your ex, I really do. But it’s very evident that he doesn’t want the kids, and if you just text him from the air port to say you’ve gone on holiday, from the kids’ perspective it’s going to look as if you don’t want them either.

Imagine from the dc’s perspective them waiting to go to their dad’s, and then you telling them that actually he won’t be coming.

It’s very likely he’s going to tell them that they’re only staying for 3 days, and will then tel them that actually you’ve gone off on holiday and don’t want them back.

They already have one parent who is rejecting them. Don’t let them think you are as well, because there will be no way to explain this away other than to tell them you were pissed off with their father.

This can only end badly.

Sorry, but I would cancel the holiday.

I agree with this.

The only people you are punishing here is your children.

You have every right to be pissed off, but you really can’t go on holiday.

Starseeking · 15/08/2022 17:07

OP's DC are 11 and 7. Assuming no additional needs, and that OP has already explained to them she is going on holiday for a week and they will be staying with their father, I don't see how they will feel abandoned.

Having taken the DC on a holiday to Greece a few weeks ago, OP will likely have explained she is having a holiday as well, because I'm guessing that that wasn't much of one for her (having to pack for 3 people, sorting out 3 people while away, organising activities and meals for 3 people while away).

OP can bring the DC back gifts and say how much she missed them while away, but emphasise that she had a relaxing time and got a good rest as planned. Now they're all back together and ready to hit life as a 3 again.

Honestly, women (mothers) don't have to martyr themselves, we are still people after giving birth and splitting with the father of the DC!

MayThe4th · 15/08/2022 17:32

Starseeking · 15/08/2022 17:07

OP's DC are 11 and 7. Assuming no additional needs, and that OP has already explained to them she is going on holiday for a week and they will be staying with their father, I don't see how they will feel abandoned.

Having taken the DC on a holiday to Greece a few weeks ago, OP will likely have explained she is having a holiday as well, because I'm guessing that that wasn't much of one for her (having to pack for 3 people, sorting out 3 people while away, organising activities and meals for 3 people while away).

OP can bring the DC back gifts and say how much she missed them while away, but emphasise that she had a relaxing time and got a good rest as planned. Now they're all back together and ready to hit life as a 3 again.

Honestly, women (mothers) don't have to martyr themselves, we are still people after giving birth and splitting with the father of the DC!

That’s all very well in theory but the DC are still going to have to deal with the fact that their father is going to be telling them they’re going back to their mother’s and then tell them that actually, their mother had better things to do so they’ll be spending another week with them while he resents them.

If this is a man who is prepared to use his children to get back at his ex then its not beyond his abilities to tell them that he toled their mother he couldn’t have them for the duration and that their mother refused to have them back.

In an ideal world parents would co-parent amicably and nobody would have to give things up.

But we don’t live in an ideal world, and as unfortunate as it is, one of these parents is going to have to do the best by their children, and as the DP has made it abundently clear that he isn’t, then the OP is going to need to.

Starseeking · 15/08/2022 18:07

@MayThe4th I suppose it's only the OP who will know whether her EX will stoop so low as to upset the DC and bad mouth their mother in this way.

My EX was terrible to me, emotionally abusive and cruel, however he loves the bones of the DC, and I couldn't see him intentionally upsetting our DC in this way, though he'd take every chance to spoil my plans.

I've had a few instances of my EX trying to shorten contact visits (which aren't court ordered, and based on his whims). I've told him he won't be able to drop DC back at a last minute change time he wanted because I'm working so won't physically be there, which he has accepted. It's only been a day or two in my instances though, not a week.

The OP's EX just sounds like he can't be bothered at a busy time, rather than that he himself has something like surgery, where he wouldn't be capable. There's no indication that he's been abusive to the DC, so I'm guessing OP has taken the view EX will suck up the unexpected not-getting-everything-to-suit-him (as she has no doubt accommodated for years).

He also sounds like he will very be difficult with contact in future (stating he will no longer stick to the court order), so OP might as well have one last holiday before she gets tied in to her EX's whims.