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Original poster

Ex cancelling contact / court order

65 replies

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 11:35

Hi everyone

Currently have court order EOW and half the holidays. Ex due to have children (DD 11 DD 7) this Friday for 2 weeks but emailed me last night sating he can only have them for 3 days instead of 14 as his stepson is having a few issues and a family member is ill. He has said from now on he will not be sticking to the court order.

My immidiate problem is that I have a holiday to Turkey booked for next week with current boyfriend which cost a lot. If ex does not have children I can not go and lose all my money :(

Waiting to speak to my solicitor's but can anyone give advice on what my options are????

Thanks

OP posts:
lunar1 · 15/08/2022 18:09

I know he's in the wrong, but I couldn't do that to my children.

mummyh2016 · 15/08/2022 18:14

Surely he needs to up the amount he pays in maintenance if he's having them less. I'd ask for he wants to pay the extra.

Original poster
Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 18:15

Thank you so much for your input I agree and I actually do feel a little guilty but I really really need this break, i have had a really stressful few months and just need some me time. The children have always known they would be spending two weeks with their dad he has only just dropped the bombshell to me yesterday, the children know no different. I will be preparing them mentally for the fact they will be there for two weeks. I actually get back before the end of the two weeks so I will tell ex I will collect early as soon as I land.

In his new 'arrangements' he has said he will have them this weekend and the following weekend and no doubt he will still want them EOW after that. Which is actually a pain as it disrupts the kids extra curricular clubs which he does not take them too.

If he said he didn't want them again full stop I will keep my kids and cancel the holiday no doubt but he will still be around but just can't be arsed to have them for a long period as he wants to inconvenience me. The kids do generally enjoy their time with him and I dont think they will think mommy has abandoned them as they know how much effort and energy I devote to them as their main carer. I will give my son his phone and call often.

My children are my entire world everything i do is for them. It's bad that as mothers we always feel the guilt but the fathers can come and go as they please without a care in the world :(

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 15/08/2022 19:09

I'd tell the children they're going for 2 weeks, leave as soon as they're picked up. Court order says 2 weeks, you can't be expected to never do anything just in case he can't be arsed to parent.

What's he going to do? Go to court and complain you weren't available during his contact time with next to no notice?

Tell him when you get back that you disagree with his proposal and you're sticking to the court order. If he doesn't like it he can try get it changed officially and explain to mediator/ judge why he wants less time with his kids. Sure they'll think he's a right prince!

Original poster
Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 19:41

I have actually just dug out the court order and in bold it says

" .....if you do not do what the child arrangement order says you may be made to do unpaid work or pay financial compensation..."

If he desperately does not want them he can refund me the money I would have lost on the holiday surely.

I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow so will get more clarification then

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 15/08/2022 20:09

It may say that but I've never heard of anyone parent breaking a consent order and getting a community service order....

Starseeking · 15/08/2022 20:26

I had a feeling you would be back earlier than the two weeks @Fajita123, and I absolutely knew you would collect your DC as soon as you landed back. You are doing a great job, and it's not a crime to have a week to yourself, which is even less than the court order anyway.

I would love to be in your position, however my prince of an EX says he is only able to have our DC for 6 days out of 49 across the summer holidays, so I just have to make it work (combination of summer camps, grandparents and my annual leave!).

Try not to feel guilty about giving yourself a much needed break. Afterwards you'll be relaxed and refreshed m, and not feeling frazzled from running after 2DC across the long summer holidays.

User354354 · 15/08/2022 21:12

I would either cancel the holiday, or wider family would cover.

The last thing you want is your your children to feel abandoned by both parents.

I understand the frustration of wanting a holiday with your bf. But I could not sleep at night, in another country, not knowing who was caring for my kids.

MayThe4th · 15/08/2022 21:21

Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 19:41

I have actually just dug out the court order and in bold it says

" .....if you do not do what the child arrangement order says you may be made to do unpaid work or pay financial compensation..."

If he desperately does not want them he can refund me the money I would have lost on the holiday surely.

I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow so will get more clarification then

That refers to the parent who has them i.e.if you refuse to hand them over for contact then you are in breach of the court order.

The court order doesn’t mean he is ordered to have them at certain times, it means that you are both ordered to make them available for contact to the other at certain times.

Isaidnoalready · 15/08/2022 21:24

What if you go on holiday and he refuses to return them citing abandonment?

underneaththeash · 15/08/2022 21:34

MayThe4th · 15/08/2022 21:21

That refers to the parent who has them i.e.if you refuse to hand them over for contact then you are in breach of the court order.

The court order doesn’t mean he is ordered to have them at certain times, it means that you are both ordered to make them available for contact to the other at certain times.

Show quote history

If it's a contract, that couldn't be the case as it would be too one sided (and therefore couldn't be legally binding).

I would go.

Grumpybutfunny · 15/08/2022 21:34

Be careful he doesn't just keep them

JanglyBeads · 15/08/2022 21:39

@underneaththeash it's not a contract it's a court order concerning children.

WhenPushComesToShove · 15/08/2022 21:40

Annoying as this is for you, the children have to come first. How could you dream of prioritising your holiday with your boyfriend above how your children will feel when they realise that neither parent wants them.

PrinceOfPegging · 15/08/2022 21:47

WhenPushComesToShove · 15/08/2022 21:40

Annoying as this is for you, the children have to come first. How could you dream of prioritising your holiday with your boyfriend above how your children will feel when they realise that neither parent wants them.

Bullshit. Why blame the mother when the father is obviously the one at fault.

chilliesandspices · 15/08/2022 21:53

At 11 I would have understood my dad being a dickhead to my mum. At 7 I would have understood my older sibling explaining my dad was being a dickhead.

HowcanIhelp123 · 15/08/2022 21:56

I don't get why people are saying be careful he may not return them - he is asking for LESS time with them. Why would he suddenly decide to want them full time?

Original poster
Fajita123 · 15/08/2022 22:00

I really do appreciate everyone's opinion on both sides if the fence. However @WhenPushComesToShove I feel you are unfair in your comment. I do want my children it's their father who has made alternative plans at the very last minute. Like I said if he point blank did not want them I would keep them but he wants to pick and choose when he has them to cause the most upset to me.

I really am undecided so everyone's input is really helpful. Hopefully the solicitors can help me when I have my consultation tomorrow

If I do stay I may stop contact full stop and let him take me to court again. He has already breached the order by bad mouthing me infront of the kids, not allowing video calls and took my DD to hospital and didn't inform me until over 12 hours later and just before her surgery. The children do enjoy their time and they are well looked after which is why I have not stopped contact sooner but these constant control games he plays and breeches to the court order are becoming too much to bear.

I divorced him due to DV and 6 years later the abuse is continuing emotionally even though he is now married, he really is a bully.

OP posts:
Jellytottss · 15/08/2022 22:00

To be honest if the kids are safe in his care and he will feed them.... I would go along with the few days.... and have your holiday but don't say anything!!

But I wouldn't book plans like that again if he's unreliable.

Lalala1 · 15/08/2022 22:16

Go on your holiday OP
Don't understand pp saying to cancel your holiday it's their fathers court ordered contact time it's his responsibility to find childcare if he can't be there if the DC went to their fathers as planned and the op had an unfortunate accident and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks would she be expected to just leave as he wants to return DC early! Yes u can't force a court order n make him turn up but in this scenario he' will already have the DC and the DC will be expected to stay with their father for 2 weeks and yeah he can say to them your mums just left but they were expecting to stay for 2 weeks anyway so he would have to explain to them it was " HE" who didn't want them for the time expected! Enjoy your holiday OP I don't see this as u choosing a holiday over them and I don't think they will either and u know your kids best x

JanglyBeads · 15/08/2022 22:57

Was the DV physical in any way OP?

Emerald95 · 16/08/2022 00:03

Go and enjoy your holiday!
If he can't take of the kids during his time HE needs to find alternative childcare for them, not you.
Keep it quiet and drop them off for '3 days' and let him know you won't be collecting right before your flight so he doesn't have time to surprise you at the airport

Isaidnoalready · 16/08/2022 15:35

HowcanIhelp123 · 15/08/2022 21:56

I don't get why people are saying be careful he may not return them - he is asking for LESS time with them. Why would he suddenly decide to want them full time?

Because it's not about the children it's about punishing her my ex fought tooth and nail for contact only to drop it when I started work Iost a job because he would regularly make promises he was collecting them from school then 2.30pm rings me and tells me he cannot collect them not every week he did it occasionally but it was enough to make me unreliable because I couldn't arrange childcare for 3pm at 2.30pm and I surely couldn't afford an extra £200 per month to pay for childcare that plus ringing me and screaming abuse at me was really not good for my relationship with my boss

Cactuslove · 16/08/2022 15:42

Duchess379 · 15/08/2022 11:51

I'd tell him very little. He's a vindictive a-hole. If he picks the kids, go on holiday & let him sort out the childcare.

I'd do this too. Tell him nothing- he can't drop the kids back when you're not there.

GettingItOutThere · 16/08/2022 22:22

i am sorry but there is no way i would go on holiday

i understand you need a break but the kids are literally in the middle of this. I would also worry he would just keep them?

so no, i would be either changing my holiday to take the kids, or cancelling. and take him back to court and demand he pays your holiday cost back as he cancelled. It won't look good on him cancelling contact like that