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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

One night stands = baby's

117 replies

krisked · 23/11/2004 16:48

I have just had a very interesting but heated conversation with a friend for college about the plight of fathers for justice/CSA and would like your comments....Sorry if this winds people up but i believe it should be discussed.

The topic was basically "Men should pay ther're way but should it be the same rules for men who have one night stands or are tricked" whatever that means ....we all know it takes 2 to tango.

The story started with that recent news release of the boy who said the girl told him she was on the pill and now will have to support the child until 16. Do you think this is right????

OP posts:

beansmum · 01/12/2004 13:48

just out of interest, bean's way too young for me to be worried about this yet, what would you tell the child if their father really isn't interested and doesn't want to see them and wishes they weren't born?

saintlysecur · 01/12/2004 13:49

That they were not ready to have a child, so you spent your whole life loving him twice as much until "daddy" grew up enough to cope.

saintlysecur · 01/12/2004 13:54

That sometimes people are not very happy in thier heads and so they can't make other people happy, instead of making ds unhappy "daddy" decided to stay away and let you make him as happy as you could...

beansmum · 01/12/2004 14:00

I'll keep those in mind for when the time comes.

My cousins have never seen their dad and I hate listening to their mum telling them what a horrible person he was and how he didn't love them, I hope I never say anything like that to bean.

saintlysecur · 01/12/2004 14:05

I am sure you won't-you have teh experience of hearing it to help stop you-just keep that memory

I know it is all cliche's but unfortunatly often that is all there is, a cliche with a little sprinkling of truth and we all muddle on as best we can.

Know what you mean though, it is a hard prospect to look forward to-I jsut hope ds is a fairly forgiving chap when this time comes in our house

surfermum · 01/12/2004 14:11

So, so difficult for you Beansmum. I really don't know what I would say, but I guess I would try to make sure bean knew it was not his/her (sorry don't know which bean is!) fault at all.

Dsd has asked her dad why he had sex with her mum if he didn't love her. How do you explain that to a 7 year old? He told her that he liked her mum and they were getting on at the time, but it was a really difficult thing to explain. She can't possibly understand or make any sense of it I'm sure. I just hope that we are making her feel totally loved and wanted now.

beansmum · 01/12/2004 14:13

luckily I won't have to worry about it for AGES, bean (ds) is only 6 months. not looking forward to it though, although maybe his dad will have grown up a bit by the time bean is old enough to notice.

saintlysecur · 01/12/2004 14:14

I will say I did love him at that time-which is true enough, for at least a moment I loved him even if it wa only in a horribly sexual way-ds dosn't need to know that bit and it will amke things a little better from his POV

beansmum · 01/12/2004 14:21

I think I will say that we did love each other but my ex wasn't ready to have a child. And he thought that since he couldn't be a good dad and be there all the time that it would be better if he just stayed away and let us be happy just the 2 of us.

surfermum - so about your dsd's mum, she sounds horrible. At least dsd has plenty of contact with her dad and knows he loves her, no matter what her mum says.

Earlybird · 01/12/2004 14:22

Definitely agree that sometimes there are genuine "accidents" where contraception fails. However, I know of two other cases where the woman probably intended a pregnancy.

In the first case, the woman was involved longterm with a man who was afraid of commitment. He loved her, but didn't want to live together, marry, or have a child and was very clear about that with her. There was alot of discussion (and sadness on her part), but he could not be convinced. He was positive he wanted the relationship, but only on his terms. She got pregnant (on purpose? subconsciously? accidentally? who knows), and it was just the push he needed. They are now happily married.

In the other case, the woman dated a very smart, handsome and successful man for a few months. He cared for her, and was completely bewildered when she ended the relationship for inexplicable reasons. She asked him not to contact her again. Two years later she contacted him to say that she had a child, and he was the father. She asked for a large sum of money.

So, yes, I do think some women go for what they want - consciously or subconsciously.

saintlysecur · 01/12/2004 14:26

early bird, I know someone who got pg to keep her man-she lost her man and dd as no contact with her dad. a few years later she decided she was lonely and did it again-with the same result, now there are 2 children unwanted by thier fathers because she couldn't bear not to have her own way-and it really was that selfish-I was there through the whole thing-makes me cringe to think that some women can be so selfish about 2 other lives.

horseshoe · 03/12/2004 09:23

I have a friend who got pregnant wasn't even interested in the dad and when she was working out her finances she was including what she thought she would get through the CSA from the dad in her budget....We all know thats unrealistic anyway but i was shocked that she was prepared to go through parenthood alone (her decision) but she wasn't prepared to go finacially alone. Does anybody think theres something wrong there??? The bloke in question didn't beat her up or treat her badly she just didn't want him...I think thats selfish. when you have Kids it's not about what you want....am i being harsh???

PinkArjuna · 16/01/2005 03:01

I can't even be bothered to read the whole thread. I think men need to pay for dipping their pick. Plain and simple. However if the mother thinks it will be worse for her state or the child's welfare - then you shouldn't have to declare.

I got pregnant by a one night stand. It wasn't supposed to be. I was basically used and abused - I asked him to get condoms and he just went ahead with it. I took the morning after pill - baby on the way. He coerced me and treated me like shit. I'll be damned if I want a fucking penny off the bastard - let alone have my self esteem ruled by whatever caprice he is feeling on the day. He got scared when I looked at his ipod I was trying to do him for money. I was extrememly drunk and vulnerable. Why should I have someone like this telling me I trapped them ? how do you tell the child about their conception? Also would I degrade myself further by even declaring I know how to contact this man if it was neccessary? We shouldn't have to.

Condoms are essential - there is a male pill but the vanity of the male species means they are not taking it. I can't take the pill it makes me ill. I got a cap fitted but if you forget it once or are so drunk that the situation is out of your control - if they don't want to make a baby they should be taking the male pill and using condoms. just cos we carry the children doesn't make them anyless theres.

I won't let the father of my child take responsibility for his actions. I didn't want to be pregnant - I couldn't have an abortion and live with myself. His taking responsibility for his actions would have a detrimental effect on my ability to live a healthy abuse free life. I would be reliant on someone who used me like a toilet - I remember him saying 'I've blown my load' thats my future child your talking about I have to think what I am going to tell them. not worry about getting pityable amounts of the CSA.

However one night stands if between consenting parties? why shouldn't they pay - haven't they heard of contraception? why is it just down to us? this is just another way of letting men have their cake and eat it. They need to wake up, grow up and face facts that sex = babies. yeah they should have to pay - it is a division of work load. Who says raising kids isn't just as demanding as being a high court judge? It should be a paid occupation on some level - it is the future of the population. if you have sex you have to deal with the consequences.
I'll read the rest of the threas now.

PinkArjuna · 16/01/2005 03:25

though of course I had a morality issue - I think kids should have 2 parents. I will leave the option for the child to contact the father later in life if they have a burning desire. I considered contacting him only because I had a romantic notion that men should want to be active fathers in a childs' life no matter how they came into being. My father was the most important factor in my life and I am still mortified I am having a child by a man who is completely unable to respect women. I never wanted the father in the child's life for the money - but because you hope people can be responsible for their actions. I don't think I could except the money it would feel like some sort of raw messed up prostitution. I know that is a strange conclusion.

However I have a touch more to think about raising a child alone than worrying about the sordid actions at the conception. I refuse to pay emotionally all my life for a few quid. Men have rights - and should be made to live up to their responsibilities. However there are times when I believe they should have no choice. as the main provider of the work load that is parenting you need to make sure your emotional health is looked after or the child will suffer and suffer and suffer. I believe I did it for the child. It might have the 'romantic' 2 parents if I wasn't so ruthless but you have to consider the parenting would be split (if he was even interested) between two people who could potentially destroy each other neogtiating over a child who wasn't 'wanted'

I don't think women whould have to be dependant on men who can't treat them with decency. There should be some serious government intiative to provide relationship tutoring to men and women in school. Being a single mum is daunting however - bugger the CSA I'm going to university so I never have to be held prisoner by men again. I think for some people it is important to go it entirely alone. Why is it as women we are always hoping for these men? why are we doing this to ourselves repeatedly - perpetually? We deal with this every god damn day, what about when we decide we don't feel like it today? that isn't an option.

We let men get away with bloody murder. In some cases they should have no rights - in other cases they should pay up and pay up without fuss. Have a bit of honor in them or did that die out amongst the species?

I just finished reading the thread

somebody · 16/01/2005 14:31

Message withdrawn

some1else · 16/01/2005 15:52

this happened to a bloke I know but it was with som1 he lived with and wasnt a 1 nite stand. he was married before with 2 kids but they divorced. then he met and lived with this other girl for 2 years or so. she told him she was on the pill and everything wos ok, wot he didn't know was that she wos cheating on him with another bloke. from wot i understand they cooked it up between them that they wanted to be together & have a baby but niether of them worked so if my friend got her pregnant they could claim etc etc. and thats wot happened. she got pregnant, left my friend and 9 months later came back to claim via the csa. it came out that it wos all planned cos she told her mum and her mum told my friend cos she was angry with her and her mum liked my friend. he still has to pay and was willing to but very angry but he doesnt have access at all. yes he could or shouldve worn a condom but he wos in a long term relationship so you have to trust, dont you?

somebody · 16/01/2005 16:47

Message withdrawn

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