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Original poster

Ongoing saga with ExH not seeing kids

63 replies

sal1223 · 24/02/2022 12:03

I've posted before just looking for some advice if anyone has any ideas that might help.
In a nutshell ExH has hardly seen the kids as he's 'not coping' he won't commit to seeing them regularly as he's trying to get better and is busy with work and hobbies to help with depression (all down to his own actions ie : infidelity/ divorce / drink & drugs) . I have spoken to him today and he's seeing them later for the first time in over 2 weeks because our cat died Monday .
I'm so fed up with him picking them up and dropping them when he feels like it - there's no court orders . The original agreement was see them here twice a week and once at weekends - but he's not maintained that so I've said we need to make a new agreement- which he says he can't do at the moment .
It feels like it is all on his terms just calling and asking to see them as I said 'as and when he feels like it' - I don't feel like I can say no you can't come because I know the kids want to see him . Feels like he's got me over a barrel really, it's infuriating

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Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 12:07

He's goaded me on several occasions saying things like 'why don't you just ban me from seeing them all together ' etc because I actually feel like he'd prefer that - it would fit with his victim narrative and be on me that he doesn't see them

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tiktok · 24/02/2022 12:10

Mediation? You’d have to have that if you decided to apply for a court order anyway.

Yes, he’s being very unreasonable and your kids need to be able to rely on seeing him when they expect to see him.

Rogue1001MNer · 24/02/2022 12:10

What do the children want?

clpsmum · 24/02/2022 12:10

Why don't you? I would. If he wants to see them let him prove it by taking action. When will dickhead dads realise that it is not fair to treat children like this ffs

Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 12:13

I don't feel I have enough grounds to say 'you can't see them anymore - take me to court' it would be on me then and my eldest would be gutted , he is upset that their dad isn't seeing them - my youngest is autistic and it's hard to tell how he feels , he seems mostly unaffected by it all.

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Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 12:14

He thinks he's doing the right thing staying away while he's not coping - which I initially agreed as I don't want them to see him depressed etc .
I don't know what to do .

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Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 12:15

And he doesn't want to see them upset 🙄 I said of course they are upset they have to stability / security with their relationship with him. So so self absorbed

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Mumski45 · 24/02/2022 12:16

How about giving him certain dates and times when you will make them available. If he doesn't turn up within a reasonable amount of time eg an hour then get on with your day. That way you are in control not him and you can't be accused of not letting him see them.

Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 12:18

He's only been seeing them here as I can't trust him to be responsible for them without my supervision . He was coming after work 6pm and calling in at the weekend - but the last few months he's not kept to what we had agreed and has just called out of the blue and asked to see them

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RedWingBoots · 24/02/2022 12:29

Have you got set days he sees the kids?

If so then when he doesn't turn up as the existing agreement tell him he has to wait until the next time he is scheduled to have them. Tell him that the it is in the best interests for your children to follow the routine so they know when they are seeing him.

Make sure you do this in email every single time.

Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 12:38

We had set days and then he had an 'incident' and didn't see them for 3 weeks

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Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 12:39

And has only seen them a couple of times since when he's called and asked

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unicornsarereal72 · 24/02/2022 18:06

How old are the kids? I would tell him he is welcome every Sunday morning at ten. The rest of the week you will get on with life with the kids. Then Sunday morning if he turns up you are all home other wise crack on with pancake breakfast and bed changing or whatever your Sunday morning routine is.

Don't be drawn in to any conversation. What's the point. You will only get upset and frustrated.

Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 20:53

Hi thanks for reply , he's been and seen them tonight. Very self loathing at the moment and said he's finding it hard seeing them here and leaving what was his home . I've had a conversation with him and said that I'm absolutely not carrying on with the way it's been and that I am happy to take them to meet him on neutral ground

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Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 20:55

@unicornsarereal72

How old are the kids? I would tell him he is welcome every Sunday morning at ten. The rest of the week you will get on with life with the kids. Then Sunday morning if he turns up you are all home other wise crack on with pancake breakfast and bed changing or whatever your Sunday morning routine is.

Don't be drawn in to any conversation. What's the point. You will only get upset and frustrated.

I find this suggestion really helpful tho - giving an available time Slot like that and Sundays we are usually pretty lazy / big breakfast and housework so it would definitely work for me
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Piggyk2 · 24/02/2022 21:01

How long have you not had a routine?

I agree with mediation then court route if needed. It is difficult if he's depressed though.

Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 21:57

Since Xmas - he's gone long periods without seeing them because he's not been coping apparently

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Original poster
sal1223 · 24/02/2022 21:58

I think at Christmas the penny dropped and reality has started setting in , what he's done & what he's lost

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ivykaty44 · 24/02/2022 22:05

I’d tell him

I can’t do Fridays at the moment, I’m not in the right head space so I’ll be dropping them off with you and picking up Saturday Eve

Soul11Soul · 24/02/2022 22:08

There is nothing a mediator or a court can do to make a parent turn up to contact. Mediation agreements and court orders only really ensure that the children are made available for contact.

It is up to you to enforce very strictly the terms of any contact arrangement. If he turns up out with the arrangement you can ignore or tell him to leave. But let him know they will be available for contact on the pre arranged days. Keep doing this every single time. Any time he doesn't show for arranged contacts email him saying that it was a shame he didn't turn up and the children will see him on X date.

You don't have to ban him from seeing them but you need boundaries for your sake and the children's.

Piggyk2 · 24/02/2022 22:59

@Soul11Soul

There is nothing a mediator or a court can do to make a parent turn up to contact. Mediation agreements and court orders only really ensure that the children are made available for contact.

It is up to you to enforce very strictly the terms of any contact arrangement. If he turns up out with the arrangement you can ignore or tell him to leave. But let him know they will be available for contact on the pre arranged days. Keep doing this every single time. Any time he doesn't show for arranged contacts email him saying that it was a shame he didn't turn up and the children will see him on X date.

You don't have to ban him from seeing them but you need boundaries for your sake and the children's.

True. But if OP thinks her kids dad will not stick to a Court order arrangement says it all. So there's not much point OP trying if mediation/Court fails.
Original poster
sal1223 · 25/02/2022 07:48

I've woken up feeling like I've been manipulated again into doing things his way - he's saying due to his depression and trying to get well he can't commit to the same days every week , it basically has to fit in around him and his schedule still.
And everything is so hard for him he is hurting and upset and it kills him seeing the children - backstory is after 17 years together he had an affair and kept it quiet for 2 years before confessing a half truth. All he's done since I kicked him out is 'drink drugs and shagging around'

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Original poster
sal1223 · 25/02/2022 07:49

He thinks arrangements should stay flexible , I think it comes down to the children not being a priority for him - which sadly they never were in the first place

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Soul11Soul · 25/02/2022 08:17

Ok so it isn't up to him. Send him a text saying that whilst you sympathise with his mental health issues, an ad hoc arrangement is not in the best interests of the children. They will be made available every Wed evening and Sunday morning for example and if he can make it great and if not then that is up to him but he can no longer just appear at your door. If he chooses to go to court I'd be very very surprised. But if he does then that's ok because they will NOT issue an order that says contact can be whenever Dad says it is.

He is not letting you or the children move on with your lives. It's unfair.

Original poster
sal1223 · 25/02/2022 08:59

Yes that's true x

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